Derek on Rush: The Fat of the Land
Say what you will about talk show guru Rush Limbaugh, one element of his stature remains undaunted: obesity. Hated by many, loved by some, although the verdict may still be out on whether or not he is a colossal prick everyone can agree that Mr. Limbaugh is a fatty fat fuck fatterific fatmeister.
Mr. Limbaugh was once quoted as saying, “Being stuck is a position few of us like. We want something new but cannot let go of the old - old ideas, beliefs, habits, even thoughts. We are out of contact with our own genius. Sometimes we know we are stuck; sometimes we don't. In both cases we have to DO something.”
Yeah, like not eating a whole dozen doughnuts and washing it down with a handful of prescription pain killers and a root-beer float. Being “out of contact with our own genius” is a lot like having an enlightening thought, but having it fade as it gets drowned out by the sound of your own intoxicating and overwhelming flatulence, thus replacing what may have been the resolution for world peace with “Geez, I gotta get some more Tums. Then it’s time for a pass by Sausage King for an Ultra Gastro Combo Melt! (I hope they let me wear the paper crown)”
Certainly, as a journalist, I attempt to remain unbiased, to soundly raise the flag of justice unflinching before the burden of inequality, zealotry and irrational inquisition, but COME ON?!?! How can I be unbiased while in awe of Rush’s staggering display of complete incompetence? He couldn’t be any more transparent than if he were dry-humping the statue of liberty on nation-wide television with a chocolate éclair in the one hand and a burning copy of the Bill of Rights in the other.
Here is a short list of some of the more inane quotes from his show and interviews.
“Enraging liberals is simply one of the more enjoyable side effects of my wisdom.”
“Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.”
“Football is like life and I know life.”
“No nation ever taxed itself into prosperity.”
“Most people's historical perspective begins with the day of their birth.”
“Liberal Democrats are inexorably opposed to tax cuts, because tax cuts give people more power, and take away from the role of government.”
“The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.”
Perhaps the most disturbing of his utterances is, “We are born to action; and whatever is capable of suggesting and guiding action has power over us from the first.” This bold rationalization of humans as marionettes in the power struggle of the elite is a chilling display of his own ineptitude. This is much like a stage magician having the audacity to bring the audience up on stage to marvel at the trap-door, then suddenly ushering them all back to the seats before he attempts to make his assistant disappear. More alarming than the magician’s betrayal to his art is the reaction of the crowd who, being made no more aware by the disclosure of the ruse, gawk with disbelief and clap furiously for the man who they know in their hearts to be a complete fraud.
(Deep sigh) Look at me. I began this article as a gentle ribbing of Rush Limbaugh as a fat fuck-tard and I couldn’t help but spiral downward into a thorough pummeling of his bloated character. I can’t help it. Rush stirs in me a noxious hatred culled up from the bowels and spewed forth in great, heaving bile-fueled ridicule that extends from the foot of God directly into his junk!
He is the Snidely Whiplash to my Dudly Dooright, the Janet Reno to my “Pretty in Pink”, yes…YES! The big flaming eye whatchamahoozitz in those Lord of the Rings movies to my little furry midget (kinda-homo-but-not-really because it was ancient times and being homo was actually manly back then) carrying an evil ring to be destroyed in a fiery volcano! I have a HUGE boner on to see this guy’s head on a pike is all I’m saying.
And that, my faithful little droogs, is the nature of things: Big fat idiots getting world-wide exposure while the unwashed masses lap it up and some shit-head at the bottom, namely me, verbally blasts the guy for taking advantage of the public. Nobody wins, everybody loses.
Me? I’m going to some remote location in a third world country to be torn to shreds in a territorial dispute between vicious tribes of uneducated natives who are just beginning to feel the corruption of civilized man. At least I won’t have to listen to that ridiculous asshole pander his mewling to denizens of the republic any more.
-Derek Maples
Mr. Limbaugh was once quoted as saying, “Being stuck is a position few of us like. We want something new but cannot let go of the old - old ideas, beliefs, habits, even thoughts. We are out of contact with our own genius. Sometimes we know we are stuck; sometimes we don't. In both cases we have to DO something.”
Yeah, like not eating a whole dozen doughnuts and washing it down with a handful of prescription pain killers and a root-beer float. Being “out of contact with our own genius” is a lot like having an enlightening thought, but having it fade as it gets drowned out by the sound of your own intoxicating and overwhelming flatulence, thus replacing what may have been the resolution for world peace with “Geez, I gotta get some more Tums. Then it’s time for a pass by Sausage King for an Ultra Gastro Combo Melt! (I hope they let me wear the paper crown)”
Certainly, as a journalist, I attempt to remain unbiased, to soundly raise the flag of justice unflinching before the burden of inequality, zealotry and irrational inquisition, but COME ON?!?! How can I be unbiased while in awe of Rush’s staggering display of complete incompetence? He couldn’t be any more transparent than if he were dry-humping the statue of liberty on nation-wide television with a chocolate éclair in the one hand and a burning copy of the Bill of Rights in the other.
Here is a short list of some of the more inane quotes from his show and interviews.
“Enraging liberals is simply one of the more enjoyable side effects of my wisdom.”
“Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.”
“Football is like life and I know life.”
“No nation ever taxed itself into prosperity.”
“Most people's historical perspective begins with the day of their birth.”
“Liberal Democrats are inexorably opposed to tax cuts, because tax cuts give people more power, and take away from the role of government.”
“The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.”
Perhaps the most disturbing of his utterances is, “We are born to action; and whatever is capable of suggesting and guiding action has power over us from the first.” This bold rationalization of humans as marionettes in the power struggle of the elite is a chilling display of his own ineptitude. This is much like a stage magician having the audacity to bring the audience up on stage to marvel at the trap-door, then suddenly ushering them all back to the seats before he attempts to make his assistant disappear. More alarming than the magician’s betrayal to his art is the reaction of the crowd who, being made no more aware by the disclosure of the ruse, gawk with disbelief and clap furiously for the man who they know in their hearts to be a complete fraud.
(Deep sigh) Look at me. I began this article as a gentle ribbing of Rush Limbaugh as a fat fuck-tard and I couldn’t help but spiral downward into a thorough pummeling of his bloated character. I can’t help it. Rush stirs in me a noxious hatred culled up from the bowels and spewed forth in great, heaving bile-fueled ridicule that extends from the foot of God directly into his junk!
He is the Snidely Whiplash to my Dudly Dooright, the Janet Reno to my “Pretty in Pink”, yes…YES! The big flaming eye whatchamahoozitz in those Lord of the Rings movies to my little furry midget (kinda-homo-but-not-really because it was ancient times and being homo was actually manly back then) carrying an evil ring to be destroyed in a fiery volcano! I have a HUGE boner on to see this guy’s head on a pike is all I’m saying.
And that, my faithful little droogs, is the nature of things: Big fat idiots getting world-wide exposure while the unwashed masses lap it up and some shit-head at the bottom, namely me, verbally blasts the guy for taking advantage of the public. Nobody wins, everybody loses.
Me? I’m going to some remote location in a third world country to be torn to shreds in a territorial dispute between vicious tribes of uneducated natives who are just beginning to feel the corruption of civilized man. At least I won’t have to listen to that ridiculous asshole pander his mewling to denizens of the republic any more.
-Derek Maples