I want to be better.
God only knows how many times a day I go through my facebook, select one random person and make my way through all of their photos. I don't know why I do it to myself. I look at these people, all their friends, and feel sorry for myself because I don't have too many experiences like that. All the silly photos that no one understands but the people in them, the nights out, the big group numbers. I don't have that. And I wish I did.
I've never understood exactly why, but I've never been able to keep friends, real, close friends. After a certain period of time, they just kind of slowly fade out or end up angry at me and wanting nothing to do with me. It's been really difficult the last few days as three of my closer friends almost simultaneously decided to end their friendships with me. So upsetting. And then to top it off, my boyfriend and I get in a huge fight (over something completely ridiculous mind you) and start talking breaking up. Luckily we're ok now. But the other friends, not so much.
I would like to explain why the former friends decided to go their separate ways from me, but I really don't think I have the energy for it right now. It's 3:02 AM and my brother just woke me up screaming for his dog...yes, at 3 AM. My brother moved back in with us temporarily a couple weeks ago and it has been complete hell for me. He doesn't have a driver's license, yet has continually driven my car and earlier yesterday I found that $30 was missing from my console. Not to mention he has completely taken over the house and left his huge pit bull to be lonely and not get to go outside because his master is never there to let him do so.
I'm been dependent on sleep aids for a really long time. I take 10 milligrams of Ambien every night. There are still nights that I don't sleep. Not really sure how that works, but it happens. The reason I'm awake tonight is because my insurance company won't let me refill my meds until the 16th. So I might not sleep for the next two nights. I also might go through some serious withdrawal. Doesn't that sound lovely? What scares me is that many nights when I can't sleep I start to get a little twitchy and desperate for sleep. Then I start doing a lot of weird stuff like take lots of cold medicine, I drink, and I take too much of my anti-anxiety medication. The other night I got so crazy, I took four anti-anxiety pills, two Ambien, and drank two drinks. I was so intoxicated/inebriated that I fell UP a flight of stairs and busted my head and shoulder. I didn't remember why I was hurt until about two days later.
I'm trying to think what else is going on. I'm doing this musical which I'm having a lot of fun doing. The only thing is that when I'm around a lot of people, I find myself getting crazy insecure about myself. My body, my face, my voice, my acting, everything. It gets to the point where I get sad and go home and cry after rehearsal because I feel so terrible about myself. I've felt really suicidal lately too. I just think about my life and where I am at 25 and think that I'm pathetic. Then I'm too scared to actually do anything. Then I feel worse. That's pathetic.
Every few months I get like this. I'll feel ok for a little while and then out of nowhere this wave of depression hits me and I can't sleep, I eat terribly, I have no energy, and all I want to do is stay in bed all day. I'm getting upset just typing this.
I want to be a successful person. I want to keep a steady job, I want to finish school, I want to have friends, I want to have some sort of normalcy. I don't know when this is going to happen, but it needs to happen soon. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't like being alone, I don't like fighting everyday alone. I've lost so much time. I want to be better.
I've never understood exactly why, but I've never been able to keep friends, real, close friends. After a certain period of time, they just kind of slowly fade out or end up angry at me and wanting nothing to do with me. It's been really difficult the last few days as three of my closer friends almost simultaneously decided to end their friendships with me. So upsetting. And then to top it off, my boyfriend and I get in a huge fight (over something completely ridiculous mind you) and start talking breaking up. Luckily we're ok now. But the other friends, not so much.
I would like to explain why the former friends decided to go their separate ways from me, but I really don't think I have the energy for it right now. It's 3:02 AM and my brother just woke me up screaming for his dog...yes, at 3 AM. My brother moved back in with us temporarily a couple weeks ago and it has been complete hell for me. He doesn't have a driver's license, yet has continually driven my car and earlier yesterday I found that $30 was missing from my console. Not to mention he has completely taken over the house and left his huge pit bull to be lonely and not get to go outside because his master is never there to let him do so.
I'm been dependent on sleep aids for a really long time. I take 10 milligrams of Ambien every night. There are still nights that I don't sleep. Not really sure how that works, but it happens. The reason I'm awake tonight is because my insurance company won't let me refill my meds until the 16th. So I might not sleep for the next two nights. I also might go through some serious withdrawal. Doesn't that sound lovely? What scares me is that many nights when I can't sleep I start to get a little twitchy and desperate for sleep. Then I start doing a lot of weird stuff like take lots of cold medicine, I drink, and I take too much of my anti-anxiety medication. The other night I got so crazy, I took four anti-anxiety pills, two Ambien, and drank two drinks. I was so intoxicated/inebriated that I fell UP a flight of stairs and busted my head and shoulder. I didn't remember why I was hurt until about two days later.
I'm trying to think what else is going on. I'm doing this musical which I'm having a lot of fun doing. The only thing is that when I'm around a lot of people, I find myself getting crazy insecure about myself. My body, my face, my voice, my acting, everything. It gets to the point where I get sad and go home and cry after rehearsal because I feel so terrible about myself. I've felt really suicidal lately too. I just think about my life and where I am at 25 and think that I'm pathetic. Then I'm too scared to actually do anything. Then I feel worse. That's pathetic.
Every few months I get like this. I'll feel ok for a little while and then out of nowhere this wave of depression hits me and I can't sleep, I eat terribly, I have no energy, and all I want to do is stay in bed all day. I'm getting upset just typing this.
I want to be a successful person. I want to keep a steady job, I want to finish school, I want to have friends, I want to have some sort of normalcy. I don't know when this is going to happen, but it needs to happen soon. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't like being alone, I don't like fighting everyday alone. I've lost so much time. I want to be better.