I miss you mom...
Oh man, I had a great talk with my dad earlier tonight. I'm so glad I called him up because I was finally able to bring up some issues that I've been keeping to myself for a long time. It definitely feels like that weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Lately, I've been feeling extremely isolated and alone, even in my family. I talked about how religion is pulling me apart from the rest of my family...that never was the only reason why this tension is growing between me and my parents, especially me and my mom. I've felt like I've been keeping to myself a lot more than I ever have before. I used to be extremely bubbly and a non-stop chatter box when it came to my family but now? I hardly ever have a long talk with my mom and I never talk with my step dad anymore unless I'm forced to. It was becoming to insufferable that I just gave up and withdrew myself, preferred to be by myself.
Talking with my father, I finally talked about my feelings and how annoyed I am. I mentioned some of the things my mother has been doing like treating me like a child again and how annoying it is. My dad says that it sounds like my mother's going about it the wrong way and instead of giving me the childhood I never had, she's simply treating me like a 2 year old and not actually dealing with my bad behavior (i.e. sending me to my room). What also annoyed me was how contradictory her disciplines were. She'd tell me to do something or take something away for my 'bad behavior' and the next thing I know, my step dad's doing the same thing and no one says a word. Like the other week, I fell asleep watching tv after school one day and my mother asks me. I tell her the truth, that I was spending too much time on the computer and didn't get to sleep until midnight. She takes my computer away during school nights. I tell the truth and she takes something away...nice. Then the following day I see my step dad sleeping on the couch after I get home from school and my other says nothing. He wasn't even at work! I mean, holy crap! I don't give a damn what I'm getting in trouble for anymore, but could you at least keep is consistent with the rest of the family? I mean, lead by example you moron!
I'm pissed so please ignore my language. I just have a lot of issues piling up and I finally was able to talk about them with my dad. By the end of the conversation I came to a scary realization: that life hadn't changed one bit since my step dad gave up drugs and alcohol. It's sick but true. My mother has been giving him more attention and not focusing on the rest of the family and once again, I'm doing things like cleaning the house to get attention from my mother. It's sick and I'm starting to cry again because wasn't the reason we moved to Vernon to get past all this and heal as a family?! So am I correct in saying that it was another mistake my parents made and I paid the price by leaving my life behind? The very life I created and loved? They broke my heart when they ripped me from that school and my friends and here we are right back to where we started. I want to scream and you have no idea.
I could go on and on but I know I shouldn't. I just know that I need to talk to my mother, non-aggressively about this. One other thing came up again with my father and that was the fact that I've always lacked that one on one with my mom. For my whole life my mother has never felt it important to bond with me and do things only with me. It hurts and I can't stand it. It's sad when I achingly miss her and she's living under the same roof as me. I think she believes that because I practically raised myself that I don't need a mother or need her taking care of me. I mean, she hardly gets involved in my life and never really asks me what's going on in my life. Before we moved we had talked about this and we both had had a cry over it. She promised me she would change....she broke that promise. I didn't even notice it because we've gone back to the way things were.
The worst part of this is that I'm scared about bringing this up to her. I fear she might just cast me aside and get defensive. That's what has stopped me from talking to her about this earlier. It's so hard...
Lately, I've been feeling extremely isolated and alone, even in my family. I talked about how religion is pulling me apart from the rest of my family...that never was the only reason why this tension is growing between me and my parents, especially me and my mom. I've felt like I've been keeping to myself a lot more than I ever have before. I used to be extremely bubbly and a non-stop chatter box when it came to my family but now? I hardly ever have a long talk with my mom and I never talk with my step dad anymore unless I'm forced to. It was becoming to insufferable that I just gave up and withdrew myself, preferred to be by myself.
Talking with my father, I finally talked about my feelings and how annoyed I am. I mentioned some of the things my mother has been doing like treating me like a child again and how annoying it is. My dad says that it sounds like my mother's going about it the wrong way and instead of giving me the childhood I never had, she's simply treating me like a 2 year old and not actually dealing with my bad behavior (i.e. sending me to my room). What also annoyed me was how contradictory her disciplines were. She'd tell me to do something or take something away for my 'bad behavior' and the next thing I know, my step dad's doing the same thing and no one says a word. Like the other week, I fell asleep watching tv after school one day and my mother asks me. I tell her the truth, that I was spending too much time on the computer and didn't get to sleep until midnight. She takes my computer away during school nights. I tell the truth and she takes something away...nice. Then the following day I see my step dad sleeping on the couch after I get home from school and my other says nothing. He wasn't even at work! I mean, holy crap! I don't give a damn what I'm getting in trouble for anymore, but could you at least keep is consistent with the rest of the family? I mean, lead by example you moron!
I'm pissed so please ignore my language. I just have a lot of issues piling up and I finally was able to talk about them with my dad. By the end of the conversation I came to a scary realization: that life hadn't changed one bit since my step dad gave up drugs and alcohol. It's sick but true. My mother has been giving him more attention and not focusing on the rest of the family and once again, I'm doing things like cleaning the house to get attention from my mother. It's sick and I'm starting to cry again because wasn't the reason we moved to Vernon to get past all this and heal as a family?! So am I correct in saying that it was another mistake my parents made and I paid the price by leaving my life behind? The very life I created and loved? They broke my heart when they ripped me from that school and my friends and here we are right back to where we started. I want to scream and you have no idea.
I could go on and on but I know I shouldn't. I just know that I need to talk to my mother, non-aggressively about this. One other thing came up again with my father and that was the fact that I've always lacked that one on one with my mom. For my whole life my mother has never felt it important to bond with me and do things only with me. It hurts and I can't stand it. It's sad when I achingly miss her and she's living under the same roof as me. I think she believes that because I practically raised myself that I don't need a mother or need her taking care of me. I mean, she hardly gets involved in my life and never really asks me what's going on in my life. Before we moved we had talked about this and we both had had a cry over it. She promised me she would change....she broke that promise. I didn't even notice it because we've gone back to the way things were.
The worst part of this is that I'm scared about bringing this up to her. I fear she might just cast me aside and get defensive. That's what has stopped me from talking to her about this earlier. It's so hard...