Boldly going now where... fast!
So I am sitting here waiting for the nurses at my fertility clinic to finish eating their lunch so I can get the same phone call that I've gotten month after month for over a year. There is still a bit of me left that believes in miracles. There is a bit of me that believes that all those pee sticks were defective. Then there is a big part of me that thinks those bits should be locked up in the loony bin. Sometimes I wonder if they are all sitting around to see who pulls the short straw and has to call me with the news that yet again I'm not pregnant. I know they all feel bad for me. Rarely is there a face that I see there for more than 1 or 2 cycles. I'm not sure if they got the golden ticket out of there or if they could no longer afford to go there. Either way every nurse knows me by name and I am sure they all dread trying to find my elusive left ovary (she's shy and likes to hide behind a bit of bowel). While they are feeling bad for me I am feeling bad for them. Can you imagine having their job? "I'm sorry Mrs. So-And-So after taking out a second mortgage and emptying your 401k to afford this treatment you still aren't pregnant." I wonder what the suicide rate is amongst reproductive endocrinology nurses... I'm sure it's right up there with hospice and oncology nurses.
Now the wait begins. I feel like I've spent the past two years just waiting. First it's the wait for ovulation, then the two week wait, the negative home pregnancy tests and the wait for AF (Aunt Flo). Not to mention the wait for an ovarian cyst to shrink, the wait for surgery, the wait after having surgery, the wait until you can afford the next treatment, the wait while on birth control pills to start an IVF cycle... All that waiting around makes me tired, sad, and angry.
My mom used to say that all anyone had to do was look at a woman in our family funny and they'd get pregnant. QUICK! Someone look at me funny! Oh wait they already do. They look at me funny when I am buying meds that come in two huge bags from WalMart, they look at me funny when I waddle because my ovaries are too big from the drugs, they look at me funny when I get hyperstimulation and my stomach swell to the size of a 6 month pregnant woman. Hell... I even got asked if I was in labor the other week at the ER. All that and still not pregnant yet.
I feel like Alice in Wonderland... running as fast as I can just to stay in the same place.
Now the wait begins. I feel like I've spent the past two years just waiting. First it's the wait for ovulation, then the two week wait, the negative home pregnancy tests and the wait for AF (Aunt Flo). Not to mention the wait for an ovarian cyst to shrink, the wait for surgery, the wait after having surgery, the wait until you can afford the next treatment, the wait while on birth control pills to start an IVF cycle... All that waiting around makes me tired, sad, and angry.
My mom used to say that all anyone had to do was look at a woman in our family funny and they'd get pregnant. QUICK! Someone look at me funny! Oh wait they already do. They look at me funny when I am buying meds that come in two huge bags from WalMart, they look at me funny when I waddle because my ovaries are too big from the drugs, they look at me funny when I get hyperstimulation and my stomach swell to the size of a 6 month pregnant woman. Hell... I even got asked if I was in labor the other week at the ER. All that and still not pregnant yet.
I feel like Alice in Wonderland... running as fast as I can just to stay in the same place.