Sigh... I think it's depression again...
Only a few close friends know how seriously depressed I was as a teenager. From the age of 13-21 I was a hot mess. I always felt that my life was spiraling out of control and that nothing I did would or could stop it. Then I found that causing myself pain helped me forget my emotional pain for a while. I would cut myself with knives or sissors... I once even resorted to using a safety pin when my mom took the other things away from me. Sometimes when cutting myself didn't work I would hit my head against the wall repeatedly. My senior year of high school got a little better and I stopped all of that. Then my freshman year the depression came back full force. This time debilitating my ability to even leave my dorm room. I had no roommate so I'd stay in there for days only leaving to pee. I had a box of food stuffs that my parents or grandparents would send and that was all I would eat. My best friend Martha was the only reason I got help. She forced me to leave my room and get food, and she made me see a doctor. I got put on depression meds and although they seemed to help I hated myself on them. 3 years and a break down (that put me in the psych ward on my 21st birthday) later I was done with the meds. I told my counselor that I wanted to heal myself without meds. She agreed to let me try, and we worked through it together.
I would never say that I was healed. I was just a recovering person with depression. Like an alcoholic it was always one day at a time for me. I had some slip ups, but with the plan I had in place I could easily recover.
Fast forward 6 years to a diagnosis of infertility and a little drug called clomid. The first month on it wasn't so bad... except for some serious ovulation pain and abdominal bloating. Oh and the mood swings the week before my period. My DH loved that! This was my second month on the clomid, and the side effects were far worse than last month. Nausea, headache, hot flashes, mood swings, ovulation pain, and my abdomen is still swollen. The newest symptom... feeling like I did when I was a teen. The feelings of everything spiraling out of control are back. What scares me the most is that the feelings of wanting to physically hurt myself are coming back. I keep trying to force those ideas from my mind. I know logically that it is the meds and not really me this time. It's just hard. I don't want to worry DH, and I am going to go back to counseling. I want off of these meds. I hate them, and the way they make me feel. My doctor says I have to be on them for 6 months before he'll send me to an reproductive specialist. I'm thinking of just not taking them after this month, and waiting out another 4 months until my referral. I just can't live like this... feeling this way! I am proud of myself that I can recognize what is going on and can seek a way to stop it. I guess I just needed to vent to no one in particular...
I would never say that I was healed. I was just a recovering person with depression. Like an alcoholic it was always one day at a time for me. I had some slip ups, but with the plan I had in place I could easily recover.
Fast forward 6 years to a diagnosis of infertility and a little drug called clomid. The first month on it wasn't so bad... except for some serious ovulation pain and abdominal bloating. Oh and the mood swings the week before my period. My DH loved that! This was my second month on the clomid, and the side effects were far worse than last month. Nausea, headache, hot flashes, mood swings, ovulation pain, and my abdomen is still swollen. The newest symptom... feeling like I did when I was a teen. The feelings of everything spiraling out of control are back. What scares me the most is that the feelings of wanting to physically hurt myself are coming back. I keep trying to force those ideas from my mind. I know logically that it is the meds and not really me this time. It's just hard. I don't want to worry DH, and I am going to go back to counseling. I want off of these meds. I hate them, and the way they make me feel. My doctor says I have to be on them for 6 months before he'll send me to an reproductive specialist. I'm thinking of just not taking them after this month, and waiting out another 4 months until my referral. I just can't live like this... feeling this way! I am proud of myself that I can recognize what is going on and can seek a way to stop it. I guess I just needed to vent to no one in particular...