Perceptions of me, God, and Love.
Man, I'm way to concerned with the way people percieve me. I like to think that I'm so concerned becasue than I can reflect on myself and how i come off and change for the better. This is especially important becasue a lot of the work I do tir=es directly into people, its stuff where its really importantto know your strengths and weaknesses especialy in the relational sence. I want to know how I percieved so I can use my strengths better and work on all my crapiness. But I also know that my curiosity is self serving. I want affirmation. I want something to calm my insecurities. A lot of people will tell me i'm nice, but I never really know what that means. In sixth grade my english teacher wouldn't let us use the word nice, I wish that rule applied to life. I wish I was known for who I am and what I love and am passionate about. Do people relate to me becasue i live a similar lifestyle, filled with RUF an an absence or alcohol, or do they relate to me becasue I shine forth the fruits of the spirit. I sure wish it wass that. I wish I was defined byt the way I treat people, the way I get fired up about God and the way I loved everyone. Uinfortunalely i am a crappy sinner and that is not the case, but it doesnt mean its not something I can't work towards. I want to be known for my convictions and my passions. I want to be definned by the way I try to glorify god in all things. But how can I do that when I'm not even placing god in my life first. Tonight I felt really convicted in a good way about how God kind of takes the backburner in my life. I let doing the right or godly things take the place of having a christ like character. I let looking good get in the place of being good. I will take quiet time usually at night. If i'm not falling asleep already. The end of the day when what I'm reading is so confusiing that I'm hardly taking it all in, just underlining things that sound good and orgetting them as soon as the pen passes below the written words. I shoud be excited. The bible is gods love letter to me. I shoudl be retaining it all, reading it over and over in excitement. I'm so afraid of lonliness that I shy away from the only thing that can bring satisfaction and joy to my life. I try so hard to be independent, and when I try to do things independently from god it destroys me. It leaves me feeling lost and empty; feeling anxious and unsatisfied. I dont know why I fill every minute of free time with people. I dont know why I love to play. Especially since I sometimes pride myself on not being tied down not feeling the need to report back to someone. I probably am just longing to belong. I pull away and then force myself to be surrounded by people. Never lettign myself get to attached that I feel like I belong. Probably sincve everytime i've felt truely loved I have gotten hurt. I guess i'm the one with abandonment issues. I want to be close to someone but i'm to afraid. I love deep conversations and self-disclosure but I also keep a distance.
Its interesting how I always try to mask what I'm trying to say. If i'm curious as to how pwople see me, if i'm truely concerned, truely seeking understanding of myself I try to turn it into a game, and it can be fun, but it also can be approached with a level of seriousnes, especially since what I take from it has a large effect on me. Peoples opinions of me weighs heavy on my heart. I should probably shy away frin that and find confidence3 in christ knowing that god loves me enought to send his only son to die for me. I have to remind myself of that all the time. remind myself that i am loved. I hope I can grow from that and give god back the glory and honor he deserves. But i cant get down on myself when i fall up short, becasue I always will, I will never be good enough no matter how hard I try., .and thats a hard thing to accept. i really want to earn gods love and I cant. I want to earn some sort of earthly love from someone, but I cant. I will always let people down. I will always fall short of peoples expectations and giving them the love and compasison they deserve, I will never be good enough. But that doesnt make me mediocre it only makes me human and depraved. It is hard to accept the gift of grace when your whole life you've realized your short commings. when your whole life ou havent been good enough to get what you want. When your whole life you havent been able to make him stay, or make her stop, or make them accept you. I guess it all has to be done by love. Maybe if I stoped trying to earn things from peopleand instead I just loved them unconditionally with my whole heart, expecting nothing in return I woulnd always feel let doown and inadequate. If I just loved people I would have enough love for me and the other part of any relationship. Thats how God loves me. he holds on to me so tight taht his knuckles go white, as he swings, me, his daughter around in circles. He tells me to hold tight and not let go but alone i'd slip away. without his firm hand holding me I would lose him, God's not gonna let me stray, he loves me enough for both of us the love I return to him isnt going to make him love me more, but Its going to be better for me. It will help me be less anxious and help me to fear the lord above all else. God will keep me from falling even if I let go. that is how I need to love people.
Its interesting how I always try to mask what I'm trying to say. If i'm curious as to how pwople see me, if i'm truely concerned, truely seeking understanding of myself I try to turn it into a game, and it can be fun, but it also can be approached with a level of seriousnes, especially since what I take from it has a large effect on me. Peoples opinions of me weighs heavy on my heart. I should probably shy away frin that and find confidence3 in christ knowing that god loves me enought to send his only son to die for me. I have to remind myself of that all the time. remind myself that i am loved. I hope I can grow from that and give god back the glory and honor he deserves. But i cant get down on myself when i fall up short, becasue I always will, I will never be good enough no matter how hard I try., .and thats a hard thing to accept. i really want to earn gods love and I cant. I want to earn some sort of earthly love from someone, but I cant. I will always let people down. I will always fall short of peoples expectations and giving them the love and compasison they deserve, I will never be good enough. But that doesnt make me mediocre it only makes me human and depraved. It is hard to accept the gift of grace when your whole life you've realized your short commings. when your whole life ou havent been good enough to get what you want. When your whole life you havent been able to make him stay, or make her stop, or make them accept you. I guess it all has to be done by love. Maybe if I stoped trying to earn things from peopleand instead I just loved them unconditionally with my whole heart, expecting nothing in return I woulnd always feel let doown and inadequate. If I just loved people I would have enough love for me and the other part of any relationship. Thats how God loves me. he holds on to me so tight taht his knuckles go white, as he swings, me, his daughter around in circles. He tells me to hold tight and not let go but alone i'd slip away. without his firm hand holding me I would lose him, God's not gonna let me stray, he loves me enough for both of us the love I return to him isnt going to make him love me more, but Its going to be better for me. It will help me be less anxious and help me to fear the lord above all else. God will keep me from falling even if I let go. that is how I need to love people.