Time to tell.
Hello everyone. First off, I'd like to say that I've been an avid reader of this journal for about a year, and it's really helped to make me feel human again. I had an abortion when I was 16, about five years ago. I've never told anyone my story, and even my husband to this day thinks I had a misscarrage, because I just couldn't deal with the truth. But in reading all of the stories, and feeling like I'm a part of something without ever contributing, I am ready to talk to someone about it. And I have to say thank you to you all for being so wonderful and supportive of each other. This is the only place I have ever felt safe about telling my story.
So yeah, I was 16 when I started dating *JW, and the world was my oyster. I was in the top 5% of my class, I had just gotten my car, I had a full time job, and the world seemed to be at my feet. JW and I got along wonderfully, and I almost felt like he was a great girlfriend, instead of a manly boyfriend. We took our relationship further on Homecomeing night, and I never looked at him the same way again.
Two months later, I was standing in my kitchen talking to my mom, and I got real dizzy all of a sudden and fell gripped the counter for support. My mom made me take a pregnancy test the same night, which to me seemed ludacris because I was on birth control and we had used a condom the only time we had sex. But when the little plus sign showed up, my world dropped from under me, and now I was at it's feet. I drove to JW's work to tell him, and all he did was smile and say, "atleast now people can't call me gay." It turned out, he was getting harrassed at school for being gay, and in order to prove he wasn't he had poked holes in the condom, and when he was getting my birthcontrol for me, he was really just giving me a type of muscle relaxer. So I wasn't on the correct hormone regimine, and the condom was useless. It didn't help my emotional state that his sister and my best friend, *Molly, was 8 months pregnant with my godson at this time. My mom and I talked, and we both agreed that if JW was okay with it, I would have an abortion. JW was, he just had intended to prove he was having sex with a girl...and he did. We called my family doctor, and set up an appointment to go to the only place in Maryland that does abortions. I will never forget that day. The big kick in the face was that Molly gave birth the night before, and I sat with her the whole time. When I saw my godson, I was flushed with "should I not?"s and "it's a mistake!"s. But I knew that what was right for her wasn't right for me. That morning, I walked up to the door early, hoping no one would see. And I didn't know that it was a clinic that only did abortions, so I didn't know that the other women there were all having abortions as well. I was pretty calm until protesters showed up, and screamed at us and handed me a bible. The nurse finally came and unlocked the door, and we all came in. Titanic was playing on a big screen tv in the waiting room, which was more like a living room, filled with big couches and house plants. I was the first appointment, and I was taken back into an examining room where they told me I was 8 weeks, as if I were supposed to do something with that information, and gave me a shot and a pill. I went back out to the waiting room, and realized I was very high. Then I was called back to another little room, and sat in a recliner with stirrups. The doctor came in, a really nice lady with beautiful hair, and held my hand as the nurse gave me another shot in the IV tube that was in my hand. I remember waking up, and them telling me to put a pad on a get dressed, but no one telling me what to expect. I was dizzy, and called for help to get dressed, but no one came. I finally did it, and stumbled out to the hallway, where a very aggrivated lady made me sit down and sign papers. I kept asking what would happen, and all she said was that it was confidential, no one would know. To me, still high from the morphine I later found out they gave me, it meant that they wern't going to tell me what was happening to me. They gave me birth control, and I told them I was already on it. The woman looked me dead in the eye and said, "Then why are you here?" I said, "because my boyfriend is gay!" She apologized when I asked for a superior, but I was too medicated to actually talk to anyone. My mom came in when she heard me yelling, and kept asking what was wrong. I finally stood up, and looked at the lady and said, "I know you see a lot of careless kids in here all the time, and that must bother you. But in all honesty, you need a new line of work if you treat all the patients like this. But if it makes your day any better, I was basically raped...I used a condom, and I thought I was on birth control. So FUCK OFF." I passed out right after, I think, because the next thing I remember was being home and crying because of cramps and wanting to curl up and die.
To this day, I can't hold babies without crying later, and I've been trying to get pregnant with my husband for six months. I know that when you try, it's almost impossible. But still, all that runs through my mind is, "What if I gave up my only chance to be a mommy?" That would seriously destroy me if it were a reality. Last month I actually thought I was pregnant, because I was three weeks late. But I woke up with my period on a friday morning, and it gushed like a waterfall, and I ran to the bathroom crying. My husband is the most wonderful supportive man in the world, and if I told him about the abortion, he'd be compleatly ok with it. But it's just not something I can talk about openly, and may never be able to. That's why I'm so thankful for you all, and this community. I feel safe here, and in a way, at home.
Thank you for letting me share my story. I hope to have more news on if I get pregnant soon, but for now, any words of advice or hope or encouragement are greatly appreciated. I know everyone has to have doubts and regrets, but it would just be nice to know I'm not the only one.
Thank you all.
With love and respect,
Heather
So yeah, I was 16 when I started dating *JW, and the world was my oyster. I was in the top 5% of my class, I had just gotten my car, I had a full time job, and the world seemed to be at my feet. JW and I got along wonderfully, and I almost felt like he was a great girlfriend, instead of a manly boyfriend. We took our relationship further on Homecomeing night, and I never looked at him the same way again.
Two months later, I was standing in my kitchen talking to my mom, and I got real dizzy all of a sudden and fell gripped the counter for support. My mom made me take a pregnancy test the same night, which to me seemed ludacris because I was on birth control and we had used a condom the only time we had sex. But when the little plus sign showed up, my world dropped from under me, and now I was at it's feet. I drove to JW's work to tell him, and all he did was smile and say, "atleast now people can't call me gay." It turned out, he was getting harrassed at school for being gay, and in order to prove he wasn't he had poked holes in the condom, and when he was getting my birthcontrol for me, he was really just giving me a type of muscle relaxer. So I wasn't on the correct hormone regimine, and the condom was useless. It didn't help my emotional state that his sister and my best friend, *Molly, was 8 months pregnant with my godson at this time. My mom and I talked, and we both agreed that if JW was okay with it, I would have an abortion. JW was, he just had intended to prove he was having sex with a girl...and he did. We called my family doctor, and set up an appointment to go to the only place in Maryland that does abortions. I will never forget that day. The big kick in the face was that Molly gave birth the night before, and I sat with her the whole time. When I saw my godson, I was flushed with "should I not?"s and "it's a mistake!"s. But I knew that what was right for her wasn't right for me. That morning, I walked up to the door early, hoping no one would see. And I didn't know that it was a clinic that only did abortions, so I didn't know that the other women there were all having abortions as well. I was pretty calm until protesters showed up, and screamed at us and handed me a bible. The nurse finally came and unlocked the door, and we all came in. Titanic was playing on a big screen tv in the waiting room, which was more like a living room, filled with big couches and house plants. I was the first appointment, and I was taken back into an examining room where they told me I was 8 weeks, as if I were supposed to do something with that information, and gave me a shot and a pill. I went back out to the waiting room, and realized I was very high. Then I was called back to another little room, and sat in a recliner with stirrups. The doctor came in, a really nice lady with beautiful hair, and held my hand as the nurse gave me another shot in the IV tube that was in my hand. I remember waking up, and them telling me to put a pad on a get dressed, but no one telling me what to expect. I was dizzy, and called for help to get dressed, but no one came. I finally did it, and stumbled out to the hallway, where a very aggrivated lady made me sit down and sign papers. I kept asking what would happen, and all she said was that it was confidential, no one would know. To me, still high from the morphine I later found out they gave me, it meant that they wern't going to tell me what was happening to me. They gave me birth control, and I told them I was already on it. The woman looked me dead in the eye and said, "Then why are you here?" I said, "because my boyfriend is gay!" She apologized when I asked for a superior, but I was too medicated to actually talk to anyone. My mom came in when she heard me yelling, and kept asking what was wrong. I finally stood up, and looked at the lady and said, "I know you see a lot of careless kids in here all the time, and that must bother you. But in all honesty, you need a new line of work if you treat all the patients like this. But if it makes your day any better, I was basically raped...I used a condom, and I thought I was on birth control. So FUCK OFF." I passed out right after, I think, because the next thing I remember was being home and crying because of cramps and wanting to curl up and die.
To this day, I can't hold babies without crying later, and I've been trying to get pregnant with my husband for six months. I know that when you try, it's almost impossible. But still, all that runs through my mind is, "What if I gave up my only chance to be a mommy?" That would seriously destroy me if it were a reality. Last month I actually thought I was pregnant, because I was three weeks late. But I woke up with my period on a friday morning, and it gushed like a waterfall, and I ran to the bathroom crying. My husband is the most wonderful supportive man in the world, and if I told him about the abortion, he'd be compleatly ok with it. But it's just not something I can talk about openly, and may never be able to. That's why I'm so thankful for you all, and this community. I feel safe here, and in a way, at home.
Thank you for letting me share my story. I hope to have more news on if I get pregnant soon, but for now, any words of advice or hope or encouragement are greatly appreciated. I know everyone has to have doubts and regrets, but it would just be nice to know I'm not the only one.
Thank you all.
With love and respect,
Heather