warning: i'm having pms and am super emotional
for some reason, when i am feeling bad about something, i want to tell about it over and over and over again even if it's to the same person, i want to talk about different details that i didn't mention the time before, i want to analyze and re-analyze everything about the situation, i want to get to the point where i can tell things in chronological order and make sense and still let you know how horrible it was but it gets me to the point where the thing i'm telling you about can't make me feel that bad anymore, like it's only a story, a sad story, but not something that happened to me, i would have the same reaction if i was telling you about my sister being bitten by a dog or my next door neighbor's mom being abusive to her, i feel sad but at a comfortable disconnected level, if this is making any sense, when this gets harder to do is when the only person i can "tell" about the thing is myself, over and over in my head, and i can tell bits and pieces to a very few people, but i can't sit and talk with someone about it forever and ever
i'm going to go on a tangent here, i'm considering going back to counseling since i just got insurace a while ago, and i was thinking i want a counselor who doesn't just sit there and listen to you talk forever, i want someone who listens to your problems and then helps you come up with ways to deal with them or something, like my last counselor i would literally just write a list like "my mom might lose her job, i hate my job, i was scared to fill a prescription, i was scared to call my friend" etc etc and i would just tell her about each thing on the list each week but that was it, i continued to have all the same problems because i don't know how to solve them, so i don't know, i'm writing about how i like to talk about things but i need something else also, and i'm just saying now that thinking and thinking is not as helpful as talking and talking and i don't know if it makes things better or worse
so i'll go back to my main point i guess, or at least i'll try, i know i'm only thinking about this because i'm pms-ing, but i'm feeling upset about "the baby" again, i honestly start to feel angry that i'm still upset, like it is an inconvenience and then i feel angry at myself for feeling that way, that's ridiculous, so anyhow...a few weeks ago a guy at work and i were talking, he's a nice guy and we're sort of friends and he asked if i wanted to have kids and i said i think so and i told him that i had been pregnant and had an abortion, no details or anything, and he put his hand on my shoulder and said so sincerely "that's a hard thing to pick yourself back up after" and for some reason i just felt so calm, like for the past 3 weeks or so i've felt fairly calm about everything and especially about that, i started to cry a little when i said something to dan about easter baskets, but other than that i haven't felt that upset or even thought about it too much, it just meant a lot to me that he said that i guess and i don't know why
so today i replay the whole situation (not the situation where the guy said that, the whole abortion situation) and today i am focusing on how some of the people there were so rude to me and i hated it and i hated that i put up with it and i wonder if that is part of the reason why now i get so pissed and scream and swear at people when they are rude to me because i am embarrassed that i would let someone be rude to me at a time when i most deserved people to be nice to me and i don't want it to happen again
i don't know, i want to write out the whole story, but i'm feeling tired, i'm having a hard time starting off with the "so i quit my job cuz i thought i was going crazy, went to the hospital, a week or so later found out i was pregnant etc etc" so that's the start, i could try to put it in order with more detail but when i really try to think some of the dates don't make sense which bothers me
when we found out i cried and dan yelled at me and i wanted to just keep trying, at very first i didn't want to believe it for like one second i thought it's got to be a mistake, and i hate myself because i said no it's ok if we fuck even though i knew we should really wait a day or two, i hate myself and i feel so angry at myself that i hurt him and i hurt myself because i am stupid, so we made the decision that night, i can't say he "made" me do it, but it was definitely what he wanted to do and i knew it was the best choice, to this day i don't regret making the choice, it was the best thing, i just feel sad about it, he said "you've had enough time to be upset" and "well if you have it, i won't be able to stay here living with you" because he didn't know what to say, then we went to his grandma's and it was the first time i'd met any of his family, and when we came home he held me on the couch and said sweet things
i'm having such a hard time saying the details of this to make any sense because i just want to say the bad parts "it was a saturday we found out, mon. i went to planned parenthood and they saw me without an appointment" etc etc i cried and he talked, i puked, i was puking all the time and felt so sick and my back hurt so bad i could barely walk, one day i had to stop and lean against the wall at work carrying paper from the stock room back to my office and george colby helped me carry it and then dan laughed at me, i took a pregnancy test there and i think they had no papertowels, then i cried and cried and didn't want to have an exam and i wanted dan to stay with me, but he couldn't and i felt like he betrayed me and he doesn't know how bad it really was and how they were mean to me, but they said he could come in while they drew blood and they tried and tried like 9 times in my arms and could not get blood so they had dan go out and did the exam and i cried the whole time but especially during the ultrasound part because it hurt and the woman said "have you been raped or are you just scared?" and i said "scared" but i felt like saying "well would you be any more polite if i tell you i've been raped because i'm fucking sick of your attitude" then she said "well you had to have something inside you to get this way so i don't think this hurts you" and then i wanted to kill her but i just layed there, then they tried again and again to take my blood but they did not have dan come back in and my arms were so bruised and hurt so bad, a second lady came in to try and she was nice but she couldn't get it either, so a third lady came in and after a few tries she got it, so then i had to fill out paperwork for emergency medicaid and that lady was very nice and i had no idea i wouldn't have to pay for it, so that was one good thing, so i made an appt
when i went it was the same mean lady and i had to do the whole thing over again and she said it is still too early to see anything and i have to make another appt, so i did, but i didn't go because i was too scared to ask off from work because i had just started my new job, so i just didn't go, but then dan made me go and make another appt, so i went and i had a different lady named julie who was very extremely nice, she had to do the whole exam thing again and i was trying to stay calm because she was very nice, then when she started the ultrasound part she said something like "it's ok, you'll be relieved when it's all over" and i started to cry because it hurt not because of what she said and she said "i'm so sorry, did i say the wrong thing?" or something like that and she was just so concerned, she had to re-do my blood work because they lost the results and she actually just listened to me that you can't get it from my arms and took it from my hand with the first try, then she told me that my hemoglobin was low which could be from being pregnant and also i'm rh negative so i need a shot that will help with future pregnancies, also she gave me birth control and because i was on medicaid when my pregnancy ended i get free birth control for 2 years through a program they have, so that was also good, so then the doctor came and gave me the pills and instructions, i took the first pill there and went home
i went to work the next day and felt physically fine, though now it sort of bothers me like how did i make it through work knowing the baby is inside me dead, there's a dead baby inside my body, i don't know, it sort of bothers me i guess is all, so then when i came home that next day, dan put the pills inside me and for a while i felt fine, we went to staples so he could make copies of his resume because the second day i started my job, he quit his job, but while he was in using the copier i started to feel really really bad, i had cramps and was sweating and nauseaus and dizzy, he had to drive home and i started bleeding and puking and i was in horrible pain, i had tylenol with codeine and prescription ibuprofen left over from having 2 teeth pulled a couple months before so i was taking those like over and over again because i kept puking and i was still in such bad pain, i was bleeding so hard i kept ruining my underwear, i had to change them probably 6 or 7 times in like 3 hours, for about an hour i just sat on the toilet and bled, i made dan look at how much i was bleeding to see if he thought it was too much, then i laid on the floor by the toilet and he tried to rub me but i was so sweaty and probably for some other reason i said "don't touch me" so for the rest of the time he was in on his computer just yelling out stuff to me asking me over and over how i was, do i want to go to the hospital? do i want him to call planned parenthood and ask if it's ok? he's reading that some planned parenthoods give out pain medicine or sedatives, do i want him to call and see if they will? am i ok? am i ok? after a while i fell asleep on the floor, then i woke up and he helped me over to the couch and he went to walmart for me because i had used the whole package of pads, so he bought me pads and chocolate chip cookies and i thought that was so sweet, i ate the whole package, then the next day in the morning i am convinced i passed the "baby part" even though it's practically impossible that i would be able to distinguish it, so i went to work, and i still felt sort of sick, i took a bathroom break of like 45 mins but no one even noticed
then i came home and life went on, then i went back for the checkup and luckily had the nice lady again and we talked and talked, i told her i felt so sad and she asked something like would i be comfortable if she told me about when she had an abortion, and i was like "wow other people have abortions" lol, i know it's dumb, but she was the first person to say "i've had an abortion" so she told me how she was just starting college and found out she was pregnant and her boyfriend definitely wanted her to have an abortion but she sort of didn't want to etc etc then she hated her boyfriend and broke up with him and waited until she was 40 to have a kid, and it was comforting and she was just very nice, she also recommended some stuff called 5-htp which is like some "natural" mood balancer type stuff also an appetite suppressant, so that worked for a while and i lost like 25 pounds but then i think it was making me manic so i stopped
then i went back a couple months later and had her again because i needed to change my birth control because i was getting my period in the third week before i started the reminder pills, and that day i got in a physical fight with someone protesting outside and i never went back which means i never got more birth control pills and i never got to talk to anyone again, so i don't know, i mean that's the basics sort of, i look at my life compared to that time and things are better, i got promoted at work, we're moving to a bigger apartment on the 23rd, we got another cat lol etc etc i mean i can see and appreciate that my life is better than if i had had the baby, but i still tend to feel this overwhelming sadness almost like a physical weight on my chest, and when i just said that i remembered once at some point during that time i was so upset i clawed at my chest until i was bleeding and dan was trying to make me stop and he was crying and i was like tearing myself up and it was terrifying and i can't imagine how scared he must have been, then he brought me a cold washcloth and put it on me and cried and i feel bad about that, so anyhow...it's not that i sincerely wish i hadn't had the abortion or that i had the baby or whatever, i don't know, i want the good parts of a having a baby, making easter baskets, showing him/her off, buying cute clothes, etc etc but i'm not ready for the bad parts of being up all night and not being able to come and go as i please and spend money however i want and having the constant responsibility, i don't know, i guess that's all i have to say for now
i'm going to go on a tangent here, i'm considering going back to counseling since i just got insurace a while ago, and i was thinking i want a counselor who doesn't just sit there and listen to you talk forever, i want someone who listens to your problems and then helps you come up with ways to deal with them or something, like my last counselor i would literally just write a list like "my mom might lose her job, i hate my job, i was scared to fill a prescription, i was scared to call my friend" etc etc and i would just tell her about each thing on the list each week but that was it, i continued to have all the same problems because i don't know how to solve them, so i don't know, i'm writing about how i like to talk about things but i need something else also, and i'm just saying now that thinking and thinking is not as helpful as talking and talking and i don't know if it makes things better or worse
so i'll go back to my main point i guess, or at least i'll try, i know i'm only thinking about this because i'm pms-ing, but i'm feeling upset about "the baby" again, i honestly start to feel angry that i'm still upset, like it is an inconvenience and then i feel angry at myself for feeling that way, that's ridiculous, so anyhow...a few weeks ago a guy at work and i were talking, he's a nice guy and we're sort of friends and he asked if i wanted to have kids and i said i think so and i told him that i had been pregnant and had an abortion, no details or anything, and he put his hand on my shoulder and said so sincerely "that's a hard thing to pick yourself back up after" and for some reason i just felt so calm, like for the past 3 weeks or so i've felt fairly calm about everything and especially about that, i started to cry a little when i said something to dan about easter baskets, but other than that i haven't felt that upset or even thought about it too much, it just meant a lot to me that he said that i guess and i don't know why
so today i replay the whole situation (not the situation where the guy said that, the whole abortion situation) and today i am focusing on how some of the people there were so rude to me and i hated it and i hated that i put up with it and i wonder if that is part of the reason why now i get so pissed and scream and swear at people when they are rude to me because i am embarrassed that i would let someone be rude to me at a time when i most deserved people to be nice to me and i don't want it to happen again
i don't know, i want to write out the whole story, but i'm feeling tired, i'm having a hard time starting off with the "so i quit my job cuz i thought i was going crazy, went to the hospital, a week or so later found out i was pregnant etc etc" so that's the start, i could try to put it in order with more detail but when i really try to think some of the dates don't make sense which bothers me
when we found out i cried and dan yelled at me and i wanted to just keep trying, at very first i didn't want to believe it for like one second i thought it's got to be a mistake, and i hate myself because i said no it's ok if we fuck even though i knew we should really wait a day or two, i hate myself and i feel so angry at myself that i hurt him and i hurt myself because i am stupid, so we made the decision that night, i can't say he "made" me do it, but it was definitely what he wanted to do and i knew it was the best choice, to this day i don't regret making the choice, it was the best thing, i just feel sad about it, he said "you've had enough time to be upset" and "well if you have it, i won't be able to stay here living with you" because he didn't know what to say, then we went to his grandma's and it was the first time i'd met any of his family, and when we came home he held me on the couch and said sweet things
i'm having such a hard time saying the details of this to make any sense because i just want to say the bad parts "it was a saturday we found out, mon. i went to planned parenthood and they saw me without an appointment" etc etc i cried and he talked, i puked, i was puking all the time and felt so sick and my back hurt so bad i could barely walk, one day i had to stop and lean against the wall at work carrying paper from the stock room back to my office and george colby helped me carry it and then dan laughed at me, i took a pregnancy test there and i think they had no papertowels, then i cried and cried and didn't want to have an exam and i wanted dan to stay with me, but he couldn't and i felt like he betrayed me and he doesn't know how bad it really was and how they were mean to me, but they said he could come in while they drew blood and they tried and tried like 9 times in my arms and could not get blood so they had dan go out and did the exam and i cried the whole time but especially during the ultrasound part because it hurt and the woman said "have you been raped or are you just scared?" and i said "scared" but i felt like saying "well would you be any more polite if i tell you i've been raped because i'm fucking sick of your attitude" then she said "well you had to have something inside you to get this way so i don't think this hurts you" and then i wanted to kill her but i just layed there, then they tried again and again to take my blood but they did not have dan come back in and my arms were so bruised and hurt so bad, a second lady came in to try and she was nice but she couldn't get it either, so a third lady came in and after a few tries she got it, so then i had to fill out paperwork for emergency medicaid and that lady was very nice and i had no idea i wouldn't have to pay for it, so that was one good thing, so i made an appt
when i went it was the same mean lady and i had to do the whole thing over again and she said it is still too early to see anything and i have to make another appt, so i did, but i didn't go because i was too scared to ask off from work because i had just started my new job, so i just didn't go, but then dan made me go and make another appt, so i went and i had a different lady named julie who was very extremely nice, she had to do the whole exam thing again and i was trying to stay calm because she was very nice, then when she started the ultrasound part she said something like "it's ok, you'll be relieved when it's all over" and i started to cry because it hurt not because of what she said and she said "i'm so sorry, did i say the wrong thing?" or something like that and she was just so concerned, she had to re-do my blood work because they lost the results and she actually just listened to me that you can't get it from my arms and took it from my hand with the first try, then she told me that my hemoglobin was low which could be from being pregnant and also i'm rh negative so i need a shot that will help with future pregnancies, also she gave me birth control and because i was on medicaid when my pregnancy ended i get free birth control for 2 years through a program they have, so that was also good, so then the doctor came and gave me the pills and instructions, i took the first pill there and went home
i went to work the next day and felt physically fine, though now it sort of bothers me like how did i make it through work knowing the baby is inside me dead, there's a dead baby inside my body, i don't know, it sort of bothers me i guess is all, so then when i came home that next day, dan put the pills inside me and for a while i felt fine, we went to staples so he could make copies of his resume because the second day i started my job, he quit his job, but while he was in using the copier i started to feel really really bad, i had cramps and was sweating and nauseaus and dizzy, he had to drive home and i started bleeding and puking and i was in horrible pain, i had tylenol with codeine and prescription ibuprofen left over from having 2 teeth pulled a couple months before so i was taking those like over and over again because i kept puking and i was still in such bad pain, i was bleeding so hard i kept ruining my underwear, i had to change them probably 6 or 7 times in like 3 hours, for about an hour i just sat on the toilet and bled, i made dan look at how much i was bleeding to see if he thought it was too much, then i laid on the floor by the toilet and he tried to rub me but i was so sweaty and probably for some other reason i said "don't touch me" so for the rest of the time he was in on his computer just yelling out stuff to me asking me over and over how i was, do i want to go to the hospital? do i want him to call planned parenthood and ask if it's ok? he's reading that some planned parenthoods give out pain medicine or sedatives, do i want him to call and see if they will? am i ok? am i ok? after a while i fell asleep on the floor, then i woke up and he helped me over to the couch and he went to walmart for me because i had used the whole package of pads, so he bought me pads and chocolate chip cookies and i thought that was so sweet, i ate the whole package, then the next day in the morning i am convinced i passed the "baby part" even though it's practically impossible that i would be able to distinguish it, so i went to work, and i still felt sort of sick, i took a bathroom break of like 45 mins but no one even noticed
then i came home and life went on, then i went back for the checkup and luckily had the nice lady again and we talked and talked, i told her i felt so sad and she asked something like would i be comfortable if she told me about when she had an abortion, and i was like "wow other people have abortions" lol, i know it's dumb, but she was the first person to say "i've had an abortion" so she told me how she was just starting college and found out she was pregnant and her boyfriend definitely wanted her to have an abortion but she sort of didn't want to etc etc then she hated her boyfriend and broke up with him and waited until she was 40 to have a kid, and it was comforting and she was just very nice, she also recommended some stuff called 5-htp which is like some "natural" mood balancer type stuff also an appetite suppressant, so that worked for a while and i lost like 25 pounds but then i think it was making me manic so i stopped
then i went back a couple months later and had her again because i needed to change my birth control because i was getting my period in the third week before i started the reminder pills, and that day i got in a physical fight with someone protesting outside and i never went back which means i never got more birth control pills and i never got to talk to anyone again, so i don't know, i mean that's the basics sort of, i look at my life compared to that time and things are better, i got promoted at work, we're moving to a bigger apartment on the 23rd, we got another cat lol etc etc i mean i can see and appreciate that my life is better than if i had had the baby, but i still tend to feel this overwhelming sadness almost like a physical weight on my chest, and when i just said that i remembered once at some point during that time i was so upset i clawed at my chest until i was bleeding and dan was trying to make me stop and he was crying and i was like tearing myself up and it was terrifying and i can't imagine how scared he must have been, then he brought me a cold washcloth and put it on me and cried and i feel bad about that, so anyhow...it's not that i sincerely wish i hadn't had the abortion or that i had the baby or whatever, i don't know, i want the good parts of a having a baby, making easter baskets, showing him/her off, buying cute clothes, etc etc but i'm not ready for the bad parts of being up all night and not being able to come and go as i please and spend money however i want and having the constant responsibility, i don't know, i guess that's all i have to say for now