New Years Resolution
Its been nearly over a year since i wrote in here. In fact since i wrote period. Things have come and gone, changes have been made. Hearts have been broken and I'm still here just waiting. I never knew moving out and living on my own could be the most boring part of my life. Not having enough money half the time to go out and do stuff, always seems to be a burden.
I'm currently back in the 'swing' of heartbroken. I thought things had changed, a new person, new friends..but same ol situation. Im here babysitting my boyfriend, even after already warning him of the issues that I come with, they never seem to listen I guess. But im in this position wondering where it went wrong, was it my fault? What is the main cause of me dating guys like this? I cant seem to change ever and I keep breaking hearts, losing friends, ect. But it seems it never gets better, and it never seems to work. I'm in this tornados aftermath. Im stuck in this lonly/i dont need anyone faze. I hate the fact I havent been writting either.
I've lost my words in a relationship, in to busy to sit down and write like I used to. Now I sit on my couch drinking away what I thought was happiness, and it seems to be this same ol' pattern of repetitive sitiuation.
I have my ex calling me, wanting to hang, and I need to not put that situation in my life. I can't seem to control myself, or maybe I did do nothing wrong but have a little fun and having it explode in my face. A scilent room was my situation last night. Im sorry you couldn't man up and just pull me aside. You just sat back and tortured yourself. You could of handled the situation so much better, but you don't. Your just like the rest, and I thought you were so much different. I can't handle these boys anymore. I can't handle having to hold your hand while we are out..the constant reassurance. Why is it so hard to meet a man. An actual guy that knows how to treat a woman and knows how to not freak out about the little things.
my hands are shaking, and i cant seem to cry anymore. The time is flying by today but in my world it seems to be passing so slow. 3:50...3:50...shouldnt it be 9pm already? Isnt it time for me to slumber? Just sleep away everything. Get rid of all this pain..
its to overwhelming. and I hate having this feeling again. I feel like im 9 years old at the dinner table hearing my parents scream at the top of their lungs..i cant leave the table cause id get in trouble..but i cant ask to leave. Im stuck...stuck sitting there listening to it..numb..sick...tired. And i cant seem to make this feeling go away.
Ill be posting as much as possible.
2009 will be all about writting, taking care of myself, and saving money.