moving sucks
moving sucks because when bridget does it i don't get to see her. she doesn't want me to help. because "it's not the kind of thing i want my girlfriend to help with." what the fuck kind of bullshit is that. so i've had lots of time to think about what i mean to her. and most of it is probably a drunken overreaction to not seeing her for nearly a week, as usual. but i'm gonna write it down anyway.
two weeks ago exactly i was passed out drunk, naked, in bridget's bed while her roommate was in pennsylvania. it was easily one of the best weekends of my life and i didn't want to leave for anything (but had to for work). right now, two weeks later, i'm sitting in nothing but boxers at my computer, infested with adware and spyware and needing to be formatted but i'm too fucking lazy, alone and drunk and miserable and too dehydrated to cry over exaggerated drunken emotion at missing her. what the fuck happened.
she's actually moving closer to me. she'll be on the east side now, it'll be a pain in the ass to drive through the city to see her but it'll take less time than driving all the way to her house. she has an apartment now. she was supposed to finish moving today, but i have no idea if it worked out or not because despite her promise to call me today, my phone hasn't rung since i got up at noonish, and i haven't missed a call even though i made sure to check it every time i left the room for a second or more.
she told me when i spent the weekend at her house, well, a lot of things, but one of them was that when she met me, the last thing she wanted was a girlfriend. she just wanted to have fun and sleep around and such. she was worried that i'd be upset, but why the fuck would i care. i told her that she can sleep with whoever she wants, as long as i can watch. she thought i was kidding.
i'm not allowed to see her when she's doing something with her roommate. and her roommate's selfish wants and rediculous needs always override mine, because she will make bridget feel bad on purpose if she doesn't get her way, and i won't because i actually give a damn about her.
i'm not allowed to visit when her mom has driven up to see her. because i'm just not allowed to.
it has occurred to me over the past few days that i'm not allowed to take part in anything that has anything to do with her life. i am not a part of her life.
i am not a part of her life.
i am an escape from her life.
i am only for fun and fucking. drinking and movies and eating out and sex. and nothing more.
she told me on the phone the other day that the reason she didn't want me to come to the store with her is because she is feeling crappy, and she doesn't want me around when she's feeling crappy.
funny, when i'm feeling crappy, the fist and only thing that i want is her.
i am not allowed to become involved with her friends and family and life, because it would ruin everything.
i asked her a while back if i could move in with her, because i can't stand this fucking house and this fucking family anymore. she said no. i had to really pester her for an actual reason. what it came down to, really, is that "it would ruin everything."
damn right it would ruin everything.
it would ruin everything because then it wouldn't just be about fun and fucking. we'd have to deal with the negative aspects of a relationship. and they're always there. it's part of life. sometimes you just don't agree. it's normal.
the only time that everything perfect is when it isn't real.
i actually fantasize about living with her. eating dinner with her every night. doing our laundry together in the same load. arguing every weeknight at 11:00 about whether we watch the daily show or futurama on adult swim. usually it would be the news, because i'd always give in. i'd get irritated with her dog sleeping on my face and she'd just laugh at my discomfort. sometimes one of us wouldn't have enough money to pay our half of the bills and the other would have to compensate. my sappiness would get on her nerves and her coldness would get on mine. but we would be in love and none of those things could ever change that. i would be in heaven. i would be out of this house and away from this family and away from this life, and i would be happy.
it would ruin everything. because i'm only for fun and fucking.
the least she could have done is call me today and tell me i wouldn't see her tonight after all, even though she said i would.
fuck.
maybe i'm wrong about everything. i usually am. and even when i'm right, i usually forget about all that when i see her. because she makes me so happy.
fuck i miss her so much.
two weeks ago exactly i was passed out drunk, naked, in bridget's bed while her roommate was in pennsylvania. it was easily one of the best weekends of my life and i didn't want to leave for anything (but had to for work). right now, two weeks later, i'm sitting in nothing but boxers at my computer, infested with adware and spyware and needing to be formatted but i'm too fucking lazy, alone and drunk and miserable and too dehydrated to cry over exaggerated drunken emotion at missing her. what the fuck happened.
she's actually moving closer to me. she'll be on the east side now, it'll be a pain in the ass to drive through the city to see her but it'll take less time than driving all the way to her house. she has an apartment now. she was supposed to finish moving today, but i have no idea if it worked out or not because despite her promise to call me today, my phone hasn't rung since i got up at noonish, and i haven't missed a call even though i made sure to check it every time i left the room for a second or more.
she told me when i spent the weekend at her house, well, a lot of things, but one of them was that when she met me, the last thing she wanted was a girlfriend. she just wanted to have fun and sleep around and such. she was worried that i'd be upset, but why the fuck would i care. i told her that she can sleep with whoever she wants, as long as i can watch. she thought i was kidding.
i'm not allowed to see her when she's doing something with her roommate. and her roommate's selfish wants and rediculous needs always override mine, because she will make bridget feel bad on purpose if she doesn't get her way, and i won't because i actually give a damn about her.
i'm not allowed to visit when her mom has driven up to see her. because i'm just not allowed to.
it has occurred to me over the past few days that i'm not allowed to take part in anything that has anything to do with her life. i am not a part of her life.
i am not a part of her life.
i am an escape from her life.
i am only for fun and fucking. drinking and movies and eating out and sex. and nothing more.
she told me on the phone the other day that the reason she didn't want me to come to the store with her is because she is feeling crappy, and she doesn't want me around when she's feeling crappy.
funny, when i'm feeling crappy, the fist and only thing that i want is her.
i am not allowed to become involved with her friends and family and life, because it would ruin everything.
i asked her a while back if i could move in with her, because i can't stand this fucking house and this fucking family anymore. she said no. i had to really pester her for an actual reason. what it came down to, really, is that "it would ruin everything."
damn right it would ruin everything.
it would ruin everything because then it wouldn't just be about fun and fucking. we'd have to deal with the negative aspects of a relationship. and they're always there. it's part of life. sometimes you just don't agree. it's normal.
the only time that everything perfect is when it isn't real.
i actually fantasize about living with her. eating dinner with her every night. doing our laundry together in the same load. arguing every weeknight at 11:00 about whether we watch the daily show or futurama on adult swim. usually it would be the news, because i'd always give in. i'd get irritated with her dog sleeping on my face and she'd just laugh at my discomfort. sometimes one of us wouldn't have enough money to pay our half of the bills and the other would have to compensate. my sappiness would get on her nerves and her coldness would get on mine. but we would be in love and none of those things could ever change that. i would be in heaven. i would be out of this house and away from this family and away from this life, and i would be happy.
it would ruin everything. because i'm only for fun and fucking.
the least she could have done is call me today and tell me i wouldn't see her tonight after all, even though she said i would.
fuck.
maybe i'm wrong about everything. i usually am. and even when i'm right, i usually forget about all that when i see her. because she makes me so happy.
fuck i miss her so much.