(no subject)
so im up in penticton, canada. my mom is doing the ironman tomorrow, which is unreal. she starts at seven am, swims 2.4 miles, bikes 112, then runs 26.2. she said she hopes to be done by eleven pm. jesus. im really excited for her to do it, and for her to come across the finish line and have the announcer say "you are an ironman". i know she's going to get very emotional, and i might too. it's really cheesy, but i don't know. it's an amazing accomplishment and i know it means a lot to her. it's weird we're staying at this house that this family rented to us for a week. the town gets really crazy and annoying this weekend so people pack up and get out before it all starts, and rent out their houses for about the price of a mortgage payment. and this family is camping about ten miles away so they stopped by today to pick up something, which was awkward. i feel a little too introverted and selfish to really give my mom what she deserves tomorrow. i feel like i need to completely abandon all of everything and treat her like the world, you know? see her and cheer for her on the course as much as i can, and just be there for her 100%, because she's putting all of herself into this event. but i feel really distant from everything, and a little removed from the situation. it is pretty surreal, but i don't know. i suppose i just feel like i need to be more there, and less here. i've been having some interesting dreams lately. last night i had one and woke up sad for some reason. well, there was a concrete reason but it shouldnt have made me sad at all. at least realistically i guess. i've been pretty introverted a lot lately i think. my dad's wife thinks i'm depressed. or i'm bummed about something. maybe i am. i don't really know. or maybe i know and just really REALLY dont want to fucking know, you know? it's odd being in mukilteo and seeing people leave for college this year, seeing it all happen again. what a weird thing. god i had no fucking idea how much my life would change. i think the craziest thing about these last couple weeks is that when i leave, i'm never coming back. at least not to live. i'll be up for like, the 23-26 of december and that's probably it. it's bizarre but i'm not too bummed out about it. well, i shouldn't say that. i just won't miss the place. location specifically. i'll be paying to live in eugene. god i love eugene. i've missed it since probably three days after i left. i haven't felt good about myself for a long time. i've done a lot of things that i regret, and i'll probably keep doing them, no matter how hard i try. which is depressing, but think about it. i don't know. all that "nobody ever changes" and "the fights you fight today are the fights you fight for the rest of your life" shit. i think i agree with that, which is really not what i would expect from myself, and kind of morbid. but i think i've kind of experienced it? yeah. i would much rather experience first hand "life is what you make it." i probably will eventually. i watched spellbound for the first time a couple nights ago and cried when the girl won. god she knew that word so fucking hard. awesome. that same night i watched breathless and there was a part in it that stuck with me a little bit. this guy and this girl talk to each other a lot throughout the movie and you think that they're in love or whatever, but then at the end the girl turns him in and they're talking to each other, but the way it is shot it is like they are completely detached and just talking aimlessly to themselves, and one thing that the guy says is something like "i knew we weren't in love because when we talked we only talked about ourselves and not each other." an interesting line to draw i guess. i don't know my life's been pretty boring i just wake up late and drive around. that should change. things are going well with money, i think i can squeeze a classical guitar and cornet into my budget, depending on my next couple nights of tips. i'm going to portland for joey's birthday, which is the 31st. i think we're going camping, maybe on the beach. which would be good. i guess i should sleep, tomorrow is a long day. i guess if you read this, think good thoughts for my mom. oh and shawn-o. i heard he was doing it too.