Therapy
So now that things are going pretty well and I am feeling like I'm on top of things and keeping my head above water, I've had a couple of epiphanies that feel like they're just the tip of the iceberg. But they've been strong enough for me to know that I can't rely on Tj and my friends to help me with some of my deeper-seated issues, and that I need to explore some things pretty extensively and intensely to change some of my more destructive patterns. I have an initial appointment to start therapy on Friday, May 11 - so long as I can find a babysitter. It's 9:30-11ish, which is when the kids are in their best moods, so the time is perfect.
I haven't had a full blown panic attack in about a month, since things initially got so crazy. I've definitely had to be checking in with myself, assessing my physical and emotional needs more often than I'm used to, just to keep things from getting out of control.
I've learned a lot about myself and about others' perceptions of me in the last month and a half. Apparently it's a shock to people that I'm not this solid rock that seems to always know the right thing to say.... that comes as a shock to me. I've never tried to portray myself that way. Consciously anyway.
I've been reading a lot of things about sexual abuse and assault and from every angle except the clinical - I did enough of that long ago. I really think this is the first time I've actually extensively thought about the healing processes that go along with it, and it is definitely the first time I've realized to any major degree just how much my experiences have shaped my interactions with myself and people. And I've also realized that putting my story out there, while frightening, is essential to me, because I need people to know... it helps me to process it all when I talk about it and I feel like it's helpful to others.
I put together a zine, and it's actually a serial... I just finished the first issue and I'm hoping to get it copied tonight. Putting the zine togther has been a great form of therapy for me, as hard as it was, because I really pushed myself to think about things thoroughly so that I could make them clear on paper. I pushed myself to remember the emotions I was feeling and not to run away from them, but grab hold of them and look at them .. when I did that I realized that patterns that I had no idea were related ... passive/aggressive behavior, food issues, that sort of thing... seems like they can all be traced back to my experience with sexual violence when I was 6....
so that's what the therapy's for. In tandem with this zine and talking to people, I really think it will help me get a hold of what's happened to me and put me in a place where I can move forward.
And Tom gets a copy too.
I haven't had a full blown panic attack in about a month, since things initially got so crazy. I've definitely had to be checking in with myself, assessing my physical and emotional needs more often than I'm used to, just to keep things from getting out of control.
I've learned a lot about myself and about others' perceptions of me in the last month and a half. Apparently it's a shock to people that I'm not this solid rock that seems to always know the right thing to say.... that comes as a shock to me. I've never tried to portray myself that way. Consciously anyway.
I've been reading a lot of things about sexual abuse and assault and from every angle except the clinical - I did enough of that long ago. I really think this is the first time I've actually extensively thought about the healing processes that go along with it, and it is definitely the first time I've realized to any major degree just how much my experiences have shaped my interactions with myself and people. And I've also realized that putting my story out there, while frightening, is essential to me, because I need people to know... it helps me to process it all when I talk about it and I feel like it's helpful to others.
I put together a zine, and it's actually a serial... I just finished the first issue and I'm hoping to get it copied tonight. Putting the zine togther has been a great form of therapy for me, as hard as it was, because I really pushed myself to think about things thoroughly so that I could make them clear on paper. I pushed myself to remember the emotions I was feeling and not to run away from them, but grab hold of them and look at them .. when I did that I realized that patterns that I had no idea were related ... passive/aggressive behavior, food issues, that sort of thing... seems like they can all be traced back to my experience with sexual violence when I was 6....
so that's what the therapy's for. In tandem with this zine and talking to people, I really think it will help me get a hold of what's happened to me and put me in a place where I can move forward.
And Tom gets a copy too.