(no subject)
So I'm sitting here bored and I decided, I want to start updating my journal again. We'll see how long it is before I get all lazy about it again...
That's one thing that has been driving me absolutely crazy lately. My laziness. I just feel like I'm worthless...I feel like I could be so much more than I am. I have no real interests...music used to be my primary interest, and for some reason I no longer have ambition about that even. I have no interest in searching for new bands like I did a few years ago. I have no desire to put down the money for shows....well I do but I'm too stingy with my money these days to allocate any of it to shows. I used to be unique in that I had my music, that I could relate with, that I loved, and that separated me from everyone else. But now it's just not like that anymore. It's like, before when I started feeling really down about myself, I had that to turn to. But now it's not like that anymore...I could change this, but that is what bothers me the most - I don't have enough motivation to change it.
Today I was walking back to my dorm room and I spotted a sign in the downstairs of my building - "Apply for Desk staff - Applications due April 4th". Naturally today is April 8th. I've been wanting a desk staff job too. And that just really pissed me off because it is totally my fault that I missed that deadline. What is wrong with me? No wonder I can't find an on campus job, no wonder I can't buy myself a car. I need to get on the ball.
Even academic-wise I have no real interests. I do the bare minimum in terms of school work...amazingly I'm currently pulling a's and b's. But I just think, where do I want to be in 5 years? And I have no idea. I don't know what I really want to do with my life. I'm 21...that is what scares me....it's ok to be 18 and not know what you want to do, but at some point it has to start to all fall together...and I just don't feel like it has done that for me. It doesn't help that I am taking some bullshit classes that are total rehash of courses I have taken in past semesters...and it's just useless stuff, I feel that it does me no good to learn some of the things I am learning.
Just one of those ruts....I just all around feel like my existance right now is totally meaningless. I have lots of friends, but none that I have a real close relationship with...no one that I talk to about my problems, no one that comes to me with theirs. Not really any girls to speak of either, sure there are a few very brief flings but those are few and far between. I think I need to get over my self confidence problem and then everything will kind off fall into place. I rarely pursue a girl and when I do I am very quick to give up. I have no "game", I guess you could say. Some people have even wondered if I am gay because I am so reserved and shy, I will almost never approach a girl. And then my standards come into play...I think my standards are just so whacked. I really don't know what is wrong with me.
I need to write, or learn to play guitar, or just find some interest and something to keep me occupied. Because right now I am about as dull a person as you could find. And I am too lazy to care. What the fuck is wrong with me?
That's one thing that has been driving me absolutely crazy lately. My laziness. I just feel like I'm worthless...I feel like I could be so much more than I am. I have no real interests...music used to be my primary interest, and for some reason I no longer have ambition about that even. I have no interest in searching for new bands like I did a few years ago. I have no desire to put down the money for shows....well I do but I'm too stingy with my money these days to allocate any of it to shows. I used to be unique in that I had my music, that I could relate with, that I loved, and that separated me from everyone else. But now it's just not like that anymore. It's like, before when I started feeling really down about myself, I had that to turn to. But now it's not like that anymore...I could change this, but that is what bothers me the most - I don't have enough motivation to change it.
Today I was walking back to my dorm room and I spotted a sign in the downstairs of my building - "Apply for Desk staff - Applications due April 4th". Naturally today is April 8th. I've been wanting a desk staff job too. And that just really pissed me off because it is totally my fault that I missed that deadline. What is wrong with me? No wonder I can't find an on campus job, no wonder I can't buy myself a car. I need to get on the ball.
Even academic-wise I have no real interests. I do the bare minimum in terms of school work...amazingly I'm currently pulling a's and b's. But I just think, where do I want to be in 5 years? And I have no idea. I don't know what I really want to do with my life. I'm 21...that is what scares me....it's ok to be 18 and not know what you want to do, but at some point it has to start to all fall together...and I just don't feel like it has done that for me. It doesn't help that I am taking some bullshit classes that are total rehash of courses I have taken in past semesters...and it's just useless stuff, I feel that it does me no good to learn some of the things I am learning.
Just one of those ruts....I just all around feel like my existance right now is totally meaningless. I have lots of friends, but none that I have a real close relationship with...no one that I talk to about my problems, no one that comes to me with theirs. Not really any girls to speak of either, sure there are a few very brief flings but those are few and far between. I think I need to get over my self confidence problem and then everything will kind off fall into place. I rarely pursue a girl and when I do I am very quick to give up. I have no "game", I guess you could say. Some people have even wondered if I am gay because I am so reserved and shy, I will almost never approach a girl. And then my standards come into play...I think my standards are just so whacked. I really don't know what is wrong with me.
I need to write, or learn to play guitar, or just find some interest and something to keep me occupied. Because right now I am about as dull a person as you could find. And I am too lazy to care. What the fuck is wrong with me?