(no subject)
hey livejournal... it's been awhile. i can't say that you look better or pretend like im not terrified of you. im just here. braving it. It's been since september 14th 2007 since i've made myself vulnerable to you. and even then it was no more than 10 sentences. only 2 contained me being vulnerable. vulnerable in the sence that if the subject of what i was discussing was argued i would have been hurt. and by hurt i mean feel unprepared. feel. stupid. and attacked perhaps depending on the tone of such an argument. Let me show you how sensitive I am and how making myself feel vulnerable is what i did.
the 2 sentences paraphrased: I have a boy crush and im rethinking this sexual orientation thing... maybe it doesn't exist. for me.
well from my current perspective it sure as hell exists. especially for me. its a very real comfort bound boundary and im sure i'll continue to learn more on the subject matter of being with boys if im not too... scared.
that last word. more vulnerability. an addmition of real feelings. it may seem typical and relatable to you livejournal. but please know that its a step for me to say that on here.
I, Abigail Maguire, have been terrified of judgement for quite some time. which is also typical and relatable to you, livejournal. and the readers of my livejournal. which is to say... the real meaning behind my livejournal angziety. im so afraid of what everyone thinks. not all the time. but in the past few months.. year. i've been quiet. i've been allone. on and off. when I wasn't allone i was confiding in my friend Joe. that didn't last. because. the whole him wanting to date me thing kinda crushed that. what a complication when its not mutual, right? well at least not mutual enough to call it... possible. or sexual in any nature. i tried... but yeah, shouldn't have. maybe we would still be friends. that would be great. I should have called him tonight when I went on... still going on a... communication super-drive. I have to talk. i have to make an effort to reach the outside of myself world. its been so long!
what im really getting at livejournal. is im going to make an effort (... its going to happen naturally!!! even better! hopefully) to share what im thinking without being scared shitless of judgement.
and putting myself out there will make me less sensitive. and i want that. i don't want to be discouraged by people making me feel stupid. but i know thats a long way down the road. or hopefully not. I want to be the person that doesn't get hurt. in every situation. even more so i don't want anyone else to get hurt either. i should mention that too! and i did. there im catering. its all true.
theres the part about that truth that could either be judged by someone else.. definatly judged by me. and that part is:
its true. in the sentence "I want to be the person that doesn't get hurt. in every situation. even more so i don't want anyone else to get hurt either." it could be that i mentioned myself before others. selfish. i am me though, what can i say. its real. okay i lied about the even more so part. i want to not get hurt more than the other person not getting hurt. thats true! don't lie to make yourself feel like a better person. just be honest. you are a good person anyway. it is true that i care about other people. thats why i don't have to worry about coming off like a good person... because i am one. so i should stop worrying. I just want to be real. I don't want to shrink wrap stuff. well.. if im talking with someone i don't mind it because... duh i don't want them to get hurt. but i will try to always be honest and sensitive. but less emotional when it comes time to feel better by being a logical person.
emotions do help when pointing out what i need to think through. yeah good indication.
i know i just re-read the sentence above and wondered what a critical person would say about it.
the person that i thought of.. laughed and said "duh"
that person is a fabrication. or at least i need to make myself believe that its not real for the purposes of being comfortable talking about things that pertain to how i feel and what i think.
i get vulnerable when i believe what i think and feel will come across as simple/sophmoric/uneducated/stupid/sounding like a typical self discovering teenager
to other people
which is why i need to learn to say. fucking shut up... fabricated negative critic in my head! or actual person in my life. at least how i perceive them to be. whichever applies.
I shouldn't be scared to judge other people too. mean thoughts are still thoughts. and i should consider them. when protecting myself. just so im not too hard on myself. i have to give people credit when they are being harsh with me. I can't blame myself all the time.
i got like this. Nay has said that i got like this because of smoking pot. I haven't gotten high in a month and one week or so. I'm going to keep that up. distance myself from that and see what i think about that. i have a hunch she is right.
it still hurt a whole lot when she told me. I wasn't ready to hear it. and I haven't made myself vulnerable to her. that is i haven't shared myself with her... much. i'm ready for change. I'm ready thanks to sober sleep deprivation. does sleep deprivation make you... not sober?
am a just moving onto another chemical affect or am i really having a self improvement revelation? I hope the later. i want to connect with people.
im ready to be stronger and less scared. and more logical less emotional. and communicative!
i gotta make this feeling last.
i met someone that is very beautiful. and I believe she and I have what could be a wonderful friendship headed our way.
the 2 sentences paraphrased: I have a boy crush and im rethinking this sexual orientation thing... maybe it doesn't exist. for me.
well from my current perspective it sure as hell exists. especially for me. its a very real comfort bound boundary and im sure i'll continue to learn more on the subject matter of being with boys if im not too... scared.
that last word. more vulnerability. an addmition of real feelings. it may seem typical and relatable to you livejournal. but please know that its a step for me to say that on here.
I, Abigail Maguire, have been terrified of judgement for quite some time. which is also typical and relatable to you, livejournal. and the readers of my livejournal. which is to say... the real meaning behind my livejournal angziety. im so afraid of what everyone thinks. not all the time. but in the past few months.. year. i've been quiet. i've been allone. on and off. when I wasn't allone i was confiding in my friend Joe. that didn't last. because. the whole him wanting to date me thing kinda crushed that. what a complication when its not mutual, right? well at least not mutual enough to call it... possible. or sexual in any nature. i tried... but yeah, shouldn't have. maybe we would still be friends. that would be great. I should have called him tonight when I went on... still going on a... communication super-drive. I have to talk. i have to make an effort to reach the outside of myself world. its been so long!
what im really getting at livejournal. is im going to make an effort (... its going to happen naturally!!! even better! hopefully) to share what im thinking without being scared shitless of judgement.
and putting myself out there will make me less sensitive. and i want that. i don't want to be discouraged by people making me feel stupid. but i know thats a long way down the road. or hopefully not. I want to be the person that doesn't get hurt. in every situation. even more so i don't want anyone else to get hurt either. i should mention that too! and i did. there im catering. its all true.
theres the part about that truth that could either be judged by someone else.. definatly judged by me. and that part is:
its true. in the sentence "I want to be the person that doesn't get hurt. in every situation. even more so i don't want anyone else to get hurt either." it could be that i mentioned myself before others. selfish. i am me though, what can i say. its real. okay i lied about the even more so part. i want to not get hurt more than the other person not getting hurt. thats true! don't lie to make yourself feel like a better person. just be honest. you are a good person anyway. it is true that i care about other people. thats why i don't have to worry about coming off like a good person... because i am one. so i should stop worrying. I just want to be real. I don't want to shrink wrap stuff. well.. if im talking with someone i don't mind it because... duh i don't want them to get hurt. but i will try to always be honest and sensitive. but less emotional when it comes time to feel better by being a logical person.
emotions do help when pointing out what i need to think through. yeah good indication.
i know i just re-read the sentence above and wondered what a critical person would say about it.
the person that i thought of.. laughed and said "duh"
that person is a fabrication. or at least i need to make myself believe that its not real for the purposes of being comfortable talking about things that pertain to how i feel and what i think.
i get vulnerable when i believe what i think and feel will come across as simple/sophmoric/uneducated/stupid/sounding like a typical self discovering teenager
to other people
which is why i need to learn to say. fucking shut up... fabricated negative critic in my head! or actual person in my life. at least how i perceive them to be. whichever applies.
I shouldn't be scared to judge other people too. mean thoughts are still thoughts. and i should consider them. when protecting myself. just so im not too hard on myself. i have to give people credit when they are being harsh with me. I can't blame myself all the time.
i got like this. Nay has said that i got like this because of smoking pot. I haven't gotten high in a month and one week or so. I'm going to keep that up. distance myself from that and see what i think about that. i have a hunch she is right.
it still hurt a whole lot when she told me. I wasn't ready to hear it. and I haven't made myself vulnerable to her. that is i haven't shared myself with her... much. i'm ready for change. I'm ready thanks to sober sleep deprivation. does sleep deprivation make you... not sober?
am a just moving onto another chemical affect or am i really having a self improvement revelation? I hope the later. i want to connect with people.
im ready to be stronger and less scared. and more logical less emotional. and communicative!
i gotta make this feeling last.
i met someone that is very beautiful. and I believe she and I have what could be a wonderful friendship headed our way.