Guess Who's Coming to Dinner...
I figured I'd use the time between now and when I have to go to journal a little bit.
As I mentioned a while back, I have released myself of my commitment. However, in doing so, I now find myself in a whole new world of questions. There's now a certain level of anxiety that I feel over the ambiguity that I am faced with in this relatively unrestrained world (yay for Sartre and Beauvoir). Yet, here I am, still living with the same kinds of ideas that prevailed while I was still in my commitment. After all, when living with a commitment for that long, it ceases to be simply a commitment and it turns into a lifestyle - one which I am reluctant to change from, it seems. Just as any good existentialist might suggest, there's a great deal of comfort in sticking with what is known (whether or not there is gain is branching off). So, am I resistantly clinging? Or am I placing value on the ideals that once were only in part of a whole that I clung to?
I think what I really need to do is to go through my "lifestyle" and decide what is worth hanging on to and what can be reduced from my life. It would foolishness to go completely the opposite direction, but, at the same time, it wouldn't be good to continue exactly as I had done before. I have to set up new boundaries and, in part, a new lifestyle. What will that look like? If I knew, I probably wouldn't be so worried about it.
Anyway, one of the major things that I now have to deal with is the now open possibility of letting someone into my life and letting her let me into her life. I suppose the best way I can explain how I feel about it is to compare the feeling with that of having house guests. Of course, the problem is a question of how much time do I have to clean up the place or how much I actually can clean up. Or I could say, "Hey, this is my home. It's a mess, but feel free to come in." The perfectionist in me would freak out if I resigned myself to saying the latter, but when it comes to my life, I often feel like I've got a messy house and letting someone into would be a disservice to them, if not to me. But, here's me with a messy house and a newly bought welcome mat on the front porch.
Then comes the problem of who would even want to come over to my house. It's one thing to clean up when there's the unmistakable knowledge of someone coming over, but it's all the more difficult when there's no telling if anyone is going to come at all.
So, to recap:
-I live a life that still resembles my old life under my commitment, so I need to adjust and create a new lifestyle that better fits who I am now.
-I'm worried that my life isn't "presentable" enough to let someone in yet and I'm also concerned with the responsibility of being in someone else's life.
-I'm worried that no one may even want to be a part of my life or that no one will want me to be a part their life.
Yeah...
As I mentioned a while back, I have released myself of my commitment. However, in doing so, I now find myself in a whole new world of questions. There's now a certain level of anxiety that I feel over the ambiguity that I am faced with in this relatively unrestrained world (yay for Sartre and Beauvoir). Yet, here I am, still living with the same kinds of ideas that prevailed while I was still in my commitment. After all, when living with a commitment for that long, it ceases to be simply a commitment and it turns into a lifestyle - one which I am reluctant to change from, it seems. Just as any good existentialist might suggest, there's a great deal of comfort in sticking with what is known (whether or not there is gain is branching off). So, am I resistantly clinging? Or am I placing value on the ideals that once were only in part of a whole that I clung to?
I think what I really need to do is to go through my "lifestyle" and decide what is worth hanging on to and what can be reduced from my life. It would foolishness to go completely the opposite direction, but, at the same time, it wouldn't be good to continue exactly as I had done before. I have to set up new boundaries and, in part, a new lifestyle. What will that look like? If I knew, I probably wouldn't be so worried about it.
Anyway, one of the major things that I now have to deal with is the now open possibility of letting someone into my life and letting her let me into her life. I suppose the best way I can explain how I feel about it is to compare the feeling with that of having house guests. Of course, the problem is a question of how much time do I have to clean up the place or how much I actually can clean up. Or I could say, "Hey, this is my home. It's a mess, but feel free to come in." The perfectionist in me would freak out if I resigned myself to saying the latter, but when it comes to my life, I often feel like I've got a messy house and letting someone into would be a disservice to them, if not to me. But, here's me with a messy house and a newly bought welcome mat on the front porch.
Then comes the problem of who would even want to come over to my house. It's one thing to clean up when there's the unmistakable knowledge of someone coming over, but it's all the more difficult when there's no telling if anyone is going to come at all.
So, to recap:
-I live a life that still resembles my old life under my commitment, so I need to adjust and create a new lifestyle that better fits who I am now.
-I'm worried that my life isn't "presentable" enough to let someone in yet and I'm also concerned with the responsibility of being in someone else's life.
-I'm worried that no one may even want to be a part of my life or that no one will want me to be a part their life.
Yeah...