I Yearn...
Over the last few years, I've not been keeping up with praying on a regular basis. I would pray every now and then and I tried to focus my mind in a way that I could be in a prayerful mindset as often as I can, but I haven't set aside specific time in which to pray. So, within the last week or so, I stumbled across an idea that might help me to pray regularly. That idea is simply to pray specifically for my friends (the ones who ask). If I make it a matter of commitment to pray for my friends, I have much more motivation to make a regular habit of praying. After all, I'm much less likely to shirk off something if I'm doing it for someone else.
Speaking of friends, I've really been struggling with what I want of friends and what I should expect of my friends. One thing that I've really been clinging to lately is the desire to be invited into people's lives. It's too easy for me to just throw my weight (especially since there's a lot of it) and butt my way into things. It means more to me to be invited. It shows that I'm not the only one contributing. However, in this there lies a rather annoying dilemma in that I want to be invited, but no one is inviting me and I can't ask to be invited because that defeats the purpose of being invited in the first place.
Then there's what I want of friends... I want to give (and, particularly, receive) hugs, be close to, go beyond a surface-level relationship with, spend time with, laugh (and even cry) with, plan nice things for, and just be there for and with my friends. Once again, I feel like I can't ask for these things because I need to feel invited and I fear that asking for it will spawn pity instead of genuine affection. Pity doesn't help me any because I can't do anything with it. Genuine affection nurishes my spirit and helps it to grow.
And finally, what can I expect of my friends? Do I even know what friendship is? Am I looking for something I'm not going to find outside of a dating relationship or marriage? I am so thankful for the friends I have, but I still feel so alone (not just in a romantic sense). I don't like that feeling and I haven't liked it for all the years I've had it.
I'm just frustrated...
Speaking of friends, I've really been struggling with what I want of friends and what I should expect of my friends. One thing that I've really been clinging to lately is the desire to be invited into people's lives. It's too easy for me to just throw my weight (especially since there's a lot of it) and butt my way into things. It means more to me to be invited. It shows that I'm not the only one contributing. However, in this there lies a rather annoying dilemma in that I want to be invited, but no one is inviting me and I can't ask to be invited because that defeats the purpose of being invited in the first place.
Then there's what I want of friends... I want to give (and, particularly, receive) hugs, be close to, go beyond a surface-level relationship with, spend time with, laugh (and even cry) with, plan nice things for, and just be there for and with my friends. Once again, I feel like I can't ask for these things because I need to feel invited and I fear that asking for it will spawn pity instead of genuine affection. Pity doesn't help me any because I can't do anything with it. Genuine affection nurishes my spirit and helps it to grow.
And finally, what can I expect of my friends? Do I even know what friendship is? Am I looking for something I'm not going to find outside of a dating relationship or marriage? I am so thankful for the friends I have, but I still feel so alone (not just in a romantic sense). I don't like that feeling and I haven't liked it for all the years I've had it.
I'm just frustrated...