(no subject)
so...ahh such trouble. well thanksgiving is coming up. great. i love holidays. normally this is the best time of year for me. everyones nicer and its thanksgiving xmas then my bday. but this year im thinking about how normally we spend it with our mother. now i wont be able to do that. that really makes me depressed about the holidays. not so much for me. im dealing with these random cases of sadness when it all becomes so real again. but for my brothers too. buddy seems to be doing ok. hes completely undergone an attitude change. hes not so angry with the world. and hes much more fun to be around. tyler on the other hand worries me. hes gotten violent almost. mood swings. and i see him cry sometimes. exp when i go through moms stuff. and once i picked him up for school in moms car and he cryed the whole way home. i wish he was younger still so i could comfort him. i wish he didnt understand what happened. i wish none of us did. knowing the circumstances makes everything more difficult. and i realized how pissed i was to know that the boys are going to wake up xmas morning and know they should be with their mom. and they wont be. and she chose not to be here for that day. or buddys bday. or when he graduates. or when tyler starts highschool and learns to drive. fuck im so angry. i want to give them everything she took away. and i cant.......so thats one reason i am upset now. but also josh is just being ridiculous. he refuses to admit to his cousins that we are dating. omg get over it. he tells me i act like a little girl sometimes. damnit hes 25 why doesnt he act like an adult. ive told him if he wont admit it and be open about everything then i want no part. the thing is i so badly want to be part of his life. i dont know what it is. everyone has always tried to tell me that love is not so important as finding that someone u are completely comfortable with. and that real love isnt the rollercoaster thing i have been experianced before. extreme highs are hard to enjoy when u know right behind it is the low blow that will crush you....does this make any sense? but josh really is that comfort zone. i can see myself being perfectly content for a long time with him. and im not planning long term anything. i just know that right now i am exactly where i should be.........problem is that james comes home in december. im going to break his heart then. i wish i didnt have to. every memory i have of him is absolutely perfect. and thats what i want to be left with. one amazing relationship that just couldnt work out. but of course im gonna have to tell him. i wasnt strong enough to be alone. and even though i hadnt gone looking for anyone. he found me and i cant turn away now........................ahhhh also shayna is about 7 months now. its a boy. his name is Kaden Alexander Staples. at least for the moment. its been changed so many times. im going to call him Kade. im very excited for this baby. i might not have been a good friend before to people. but i tell you i am shaynas best friend. i swear. im doing her baby shower the day after my bday. u know what this means. im giving up any weekend ski plans to host this party for her. im also going to be given baby sitting duties.woot woot. and im the lucky lady who will prolly take her to the hospital. eek i mean who would ever choose me for that job. PLUS im going to learn to drive stick shift just in case ihave to take her car. ahh its nuts. but buying all this little baby stuff...it makes me want one of my own. god i wish things had been different............anyways ive ranted on and thats all i needed.