and by protecting my heart, truly, i got lost in the sound.
I know that I will probably miss school tomorrow. I'm going to go to chemistry and macro and I guess lunch, because it's before macro.
To be honest, I've been feeling very strong emotions lately... and enjoying it. It's nice to walk around and think of all the people who feel that you matter, and hope that people you don't think think you matter think you matter, and oh my goodness, I have to review states of matter!
Since the week after my birthday, I've come to feel that I'm manufacturing emotions for myself... creating drama as previous posts reflect. I should probably become one of those people who carry around cameras and record their lives for MTV.
Last night was real life un-drama, and it was pretty enjoyable. I like those situations like prom night where suddenly it seems like everything is clear, and things are the way they're supposed to be or are about to transpire, when you're just living in the moment, after months of preparation of course. I could name names, but I won't.
Last night, people were resetting old patterns, finishing stories, feeling sick but looking beautiful anyway, wearing the earrings their new boyfriend bought for them, dancing like a dork because they knew their date wanted to, and deciding that benches can be really romantic even if there are people walking by and staring at you through Overture's huge windows.
In any case, I felt really pleased to be alive, and to know that I have friends like Becca who will witness the moments of my life that play like a movie, and Allison who will start grinding on me to steal me from my date, and Fangfei who will lie and say it's not her birthday, and Crystal who would make up a gesture to symbolize my "awkward but interesting" personality trait. Oops, I guess I lied about not naming names.
If I hadn't gained anything from high school, I'm happy to say that I'm friends with these people, who I unknowingly learned so much from.
I'm so happy that this has happened... because for a while, I thought I'd lost myself. I had been happy and motivated, and then... not so much. I used to be one of those people who made other people so important to her, who found her usefulness in the way others needed her, and who cared how she compared. When it all became too much, she didn't know what to do.
I ran away to India, I grew up a little, maybe; I became aware of my possible impact, I grew into my skin and found that I was pretty capable.
I learned a lot about independence... I took it a little too far: I learned to un-love. I guess, maybe I learned to hate everyone, or to only love myself, or only love what I was doing. I learned to stop talking so much, to lie when lying was easier than truthing, to avoid things I didn't want to deal with, to leave things to chance, and to keep people at a safe distance. I started to just say something when someone made me mad, rather than caring about what they would think of me or worrying that my reaction to their behavior would prove I cared what they thought.
It was liberating in some ways. I lived for myself, and just me. I was perfectly content with the idea of moving away, and leaving everyone behind.
Only, I didn't even know. I didn't even know until now what I'd been doing... and how I'd been silently pushing people away from me, refusing to get passionate about them and taking them for granted. But here's where it suddenly turned around: as I started to push everyone away, they got closer. As I stopped caring about how others would react to me saying what was on my mind, people started to be receptive to what I had to say.
I guess I opened up in spite of myself.
I came to trust my friends immensely...and I guess I hadn't really noticed until now how simple it all feels. Being a person has become incredibly easy all of a sudden.
I'm just really happy that I feel so welcome, and have friends that don't make me feel stupid for feeling how I feel, or saying what I say, or not saying what I don't say, or for having really messy, half-straight-half-curly hair.
All in all, I'm kind of happy I have some of my old dramatic self back.... the one that got lost somewhere south of sophomore year. I'm really glad I know her, because she makes me feel like anything is possible. Yes, she is very often very wrong, and awkward. But thanks for bringing her back.
To be honest, I've been feeling very strong emotions lately... and enjoying it. It's nice to walk around and think of all the people who feel that you matter, and hope that people you don't think think you matter think you matter, and oh my goodness, I have to review states of matter!
Since the week after my birthday, I've come to feel that I'm manufacturing emotions for myself... creating drama as previous posts reflect. I should probably become one of those people who carry around cameras and record their lives for MTV.
Last night was real life un-drama, and it was pretty enjoyable. I like those situations like prom night where suddenly it seems like everything is clear, and things are the way they're supposed to be or are about to transpire, when you're just living in the moment, after months of preparation of course. I could name names, but I won't.
Last night, people were resetting old patterns, finishing stories, feeling sick but looking beautiful anyway, wearing the earrings their new boyfriend bought for them, dancing like a dork because they knew their date wanted to, and deciding that benches can be really romantic even if there are people walking by and staring at you through Overture's huge windows.
In any case, I felt really pleased to be alive, and to know that I have friends like Becca who will witness the moments of my life that play like a movie, and Allison who will start grinding on me to steal me from my date, and Fangfei who will lie and say it's not her birthday, and Crystal who would make up a gesture to symbolize my "awkward but interesting" personality trait. Oops, I guess I lied about not naming names.
If I hadn't gained anything from high school, I'm happy to say that I'm friends with these people, who I unknowingly learned so much from.
I'm so happy that this has happened... because for a while, I thought I'd lost myself. I had been happy and motivated, and then... not so much. I used to be one of those people who made other people so important to her, who found her usefulness in the way others needed her, and who cared how she compared. When it all became too much, she didn't know what to do.
I ran away to India, I grew up a little, maybe; I became aware of my possible impact, I grew into my skin and found that I was pretty capable.
I learned a lot about independence... I took it a little too far: I learned to un-love. I guess, maybe I learned to hate everyone, or to only love myself, or only love what I was doing. I learned to stop talking so much, to lie when lying was easier than truthing, to avoid things I didn't want to deal with, to leave things to chance, and to keep people at a safe distance. I started to just say something when someone made me mad, rather than caring about what they would think of me or worrying that my reaction to their behavior would prove I cared what they thought.
It was liberating in some ways. I lived for myself, and just me. I was perfectly content with the idea of moving away, and leaving everyone behind.
Only, I didn't even know. I didn't even know until now what I'd been doing... and how I'd been silently pushing people away from me, refusing to get passionate about them and taking them for granted. But here's where it suddenly turned around: as I started to push everyone away, they got closer. As I stopped caring about how others would react to me saying what was on my mind, people started to be receptive to what I had to say.
I guess I opened up in spite of myself.
I came to trust my friends immensely...and I guess I hadn't really noticed until now how simple it all feels. Being a person has become incredibly easy all of a sudden.
I'm just really happy that I feel so welcome, and have friends that don't make me feel stupid for feeling how I feel, or saying what I say, or not saying what I don't say, or for having really messy, half-straight-half-curly hair.
All in all, I'm kind of happy I have some of my old dramatic self back.... the one that got lost somewhere south of sophomore year. I'm really glad I know her, because she makes me feel like anything is possible. Yes, she is very often very wrong, and awkward. But thanks for bringing her back.