Happy fucking turkey everyone
I have no idea when the last time I updated this thing was - Since then I've opened a myspace and a facebook, which I don't update either, nor do I look at more than once every month or so. I've been drawn somehow to updating this because, frankly, if I don't write this shit down, I'll go insane (not like I haven't already, but still...)
I am troubled. I'm 26, I live at home sharing a room with my brother. I have a dead end, soon to be downsized job. I am going to school to improve myself - actually, to get into a job I'm probably gonna flame out from within five years - but at my current rate of course taking, I will be done with school sometime after 2014 (Six credits a semester = 12 credits a year = roughly 3 years per semester - 31 credits already taken + 6 in progress = 37 credits done taken away from 120 needed(ish) = 13 more semesters, which is 6 1/2 more years) AND I'm not including grad school! Gee, by then I'll be 35 and almost unemployable - I'll have to get extremely lucky, and by then I won't have time to get unlucky.
And that's not even the reason why I feel like a pile of horse manure laying in the sun for a month. And it's not because I can't drive - not won't, as in I know how and just refuse, or can't as I don't know how...I have an irrepressible fear of getting behind the wheel of a car, and this is the first place I've admitted it. Nor is it because I live at home with my mom and her dying-but-he-doesn't-know-it husband and my brother that doesn't think it's wrong to freeload for 4 months, or 6 months, or steal from his brother while he's jobless. No, I feel like shit because I have serious fucking problems, ok? I have an addictive personality, a serious impulse control problem, and I can't walk by a kitchen without needing - yes, needing - to have a full course meal. The kicker? I will probably be dead by the time I'm 55 from adult-onset diabetes related whatevers, and none of this will have mattered.
So yeah, I've just admitted roughly five serious problems. And it's all in my head. The same thing that makes me so damned smart, so fucking intelligent, that makes me dream of doing things most people can't even think of doing is also holding me back. Self-control only works so well, and I'm just about at the end of my rope. I joke about having a psychotic break. What I need is either A) a vacation from being myself, or B) a complete relocation of my life. Either way, I'm dying inside, and I know I'm changing into someone I don't want to be.
I am troubled. I'm 26, I live at home sharing a room with my brother. I have a dead end, soon to be downsized job. I am going to school to improve myself - actually, to get into a job I'm probably gonna flame out from within five years - but at my current rate of course taking, I will be done with school sometime after 2014 (Six credits a semester = 12 credits a year = roughly 3 years per semester - 31 credits already taken + 6 in progress = 37 credits done taken away from 120 needed(ish) = 13 more semesters, which is 6 1/2 more years) AND I'm not including grad school! Gee, by then I'll be 35 and almost unemployable - I'll have to get extremely lucky, and by then I won't have time to get unlucky.
And that's not even the reason why I feel like a pile of horse manure laying in the sun for a month. And it's not because I can't drive - not won't, as in I know how and just refuse, or can't as I don't know how...I have an irrepressible fear of getting behind the wheel of a car, and this is the first place I've admitted it. Nor is it because I live at home with my mom and her dying-but-he-doesn't-know-it husband and my brother that doesn't think it's wrong to freeload for 4 months, or 6 months, or steal from his brother while he's jobless. No, I feel like shit because I have serious fucking problems, ok? I have an addictive personality, a serious impulse control problem, and I can't walk by a kitchen without needing - yes, needing - to have a full course meal. The kicker? I will probably be dead by the time I'm 55 from adult-onset diabetes related whatevers, and none of this will have mattered.
So yeah, I've just admitted roughly five serious problems. And it's all in my head. The same thing that makes me so damned smart, so fucking intelligent, that makes me dream of doing things most people can't even think of doing is also holding me back. Self-control only works so well, and I'm just about at the end of my rope. I joke about having a psychotic break. What I need is either A) a vacation from being myself, or B) a complete relocation of my life. Either way, I'm dying inside, and I know I'm changing into someone I don't want to be.