[Memories] Mourning those who hate you
I don't know why I thought of this today, but I figured I'd share an awkward part of my childhood ... sit around and listen, won't you?
I know very of my mom's relatives. A while back, if you remember, I was doing geneology and it was quite difficult to do considering how little I had to work on. I didn't even know I HAD a great-uncle Tommy until my mother told me, and I was amazed I'd never met him.
"Well he's pretty anti-social," my mother replied.
"Like great-uncle Howard," I blurted out.
"Yep."
"... and great-aunt Vi."
"Mmm hmm."
"God, why was everyone in that family anti-social??"
I still have no answer, really, but it made me remember great-aunt Vi. Really, I'd only met her a few times, and she wasn't pleasant during any run-in.
She's the one who warned my mother not to name me after my father, or I'd have "no personality of my own." Heh, like that happened.
When she visited us when we were ten she asked my mother if I had "problems."
"... problems?"
"Well," Vi said, "your boy's TEN. And he can't even tie his shoes. I'm thinking, you know, he might be a bit SPECIAL."
"And I'm thinking, you know, that you should leave."
And what is true, is yes, I couldn't tie my shoes, or distinguish left from right. But I had a budding interest in programming, linguistics, and physics, so "special" I wasn't, at least no in the way she meant it. Vi would snipe at all of the family, whenever she'd rear her head. However, Vi sightings were , and no one ever visited her -- for obvious reasons. She just spent her time in her home, alone.
She possessed an intense amount of hatred for humanity in general, and it was my first real experience of something projecting loathing onto others and going out of their way to push people away. When I heard she died a number of years later, then ... well, I didn't know how to process it. I felt no sadness for her passing. I wasn't HAPPY, but ... I felt very neutral about it. I felt a large amount of guilt about that, for part of me insisted that I SHOULD have mourned her loss.
Yet, I didn't. Though, I was still upset. Why?
They found her in her home three weeks after she died. No one knew that she had died until then, and it wasn't until the neighbours complained about the smell that they even knew what happened. It was the WAY she died, that I thought was most upsetting -- that someone could die uncared for, unloved, and that was all intentional -- all part of a plan to MAKE people not care nor love.
I guess it disturbed me, more than anything, to be truly alone. Not just physically alone, but to not have a soul who would truly mourn your passing. I just don't understand it -- despite her being my own flesh and blood, that desire to get rid of everyone is certainly not running through my veins.
I know very of my mom's relatives. A while back, if you remember, I was doing geneology and it was quite difficult to do considering how little I had to work on. I didn't even know I HAD a great-uncle Tommy until my mother told me, and I was amazed I'd never met him.
"Well he's pretty anti-social," my mother replied.
"Like great-uncle Howard," I blurted out.
"Yep."
"... and great-aunt Vi."
"Mmm hmm."
"God, why was everyone in that family anti-social??"
I still have no answer, really, but it made me remember great-aunt Vi. Really, I'd only met her a few times, and she wasn't pleasant during any run-in.
She's the one who warned my mother not to name me after my father, or I'd have "no personality of my own." Heh, like that happened.
When she visited us when we were ten she asked my mother if I had "problems."
"... problems?"
"Well," Vi said, "your boy's TEN. And he can't even tie his shoes. I'm thinking, you know, he might be a bit SPECIAL."
"And I'm thinking, you know, that you should leave."
And what is true, is yes, I couldn't tie my shoes, or distinguish left from right. But I had a budding interest in programming, linguistics, and physics, so "special" I wasn't, at least no in the way she meant it. Vi would snipe at all of the family, whenever she'd rear her head. However, Vi sightings were , and no one ever visited her -- for obvious reasons. She just spent her time in her home, alone.
She possessed an intense amount of hatred for humanity in general, and it was my first real experience of something projecting loathing onto others and going out of their way to push people away. When I heard she died a number of years later, then ... well, I didn't know how to process it. I felt no sadness for her passing. I wasn't HAPPY, but ... I felt very neutral about it. I felt a large amount of guilt about that, for part of me insisted that I SHOULD have mourned her loss.
Yet, I didn't. Though, I was still upset. Why?
They found her in her home three weeks after she died. No one knew that she had died until then, and it wasn't until the neighbours complained about the smell that they even knew what happened. It was the WAY she died, that I thought was most upsetting -- that someone could die uncared for, unloved, and that was all intentional -- all part of a plan to MAKE people not care nor love.
I guess it disturbed me, more than anything, to be truly alone. Not just physically alone, but to not have a soul who would truly mourn your passing. I just don't understand it -- despite her being my own flesh and blood, that desire to get rid of everyone is certainly not running through my veins.