friends, lend me your ears
Has everyone read this yet?
If not, go read right now! I can see how this wouldn't have been funny in person (especially considering the awkward venue) but it tickles me in transcript form.
Moving on.
You guys, I have an issue. You may remember that I had my wallet stolen 2 months ago. It had lots of credit cards and IDs and other shit in it, which by now have all been replaced (after countless lunch breaks spent on the phone, and one unfortunate incident in which I told off a customer service representative in Mumbai and felt like a racist for a few minutes). But there's one thing I haven't replaced, because I was ashamed I carried it around in the first place. It's my Frequent Burrito Eater card.
I got my Frequent Burrito Eater card a while back. I was ordering a burrito from the lunch place across the street when the burritotista asked if I'd like a Frequent Burrito Eater card. All of the blood drained from my face. Oh my god, I thought, he's calling me a frequent burrito eater. It sounded like an insult. This lunch place has a salad line, a sandwich line, and a burrito line--how does he know I always go for the burrito? It was like he looked straight into my soul and said, Yep. She's a dirty burrito eater. Probably eats a can of beans every night for dinner, too. I mumbled something unintelligible, and shoved the card in my wallet. But I had nowhere to shove my shame.
Now really, couldn't they have been a little more diplomatic about this Frequent Buyer system? I've gotten Frequent Flyer miles and Frequent Sandwich cards without feeling shame. It was something about the word "eater." (Ok, full disclosure, as a reformed bulimic/compulsive overeater/food hider/person with nourishment issues in general, I sometimes have a problem with people acknowledging I eat things. I prefer them to assume I produce my own fuel internally [this also obviates the awkward question, Do I shit? No, I don't, because my body is 100% efficient.] Anyway, I'm just saying I realize my horror re: the Frequent Burrito Eater card might be idiosyncratic. Though I don't know, because once Dani found it in my wallet and laughed until she cried.) You EAT that burrito, fatty. You eat it FREQUENTLY. That's what the card said to me.
So it was something of a relief when this card--which, with its eight miniature burritos stamped into it (I was so close!), confirmed that I am indeed a Frequent Burrito Eater--went the way of my wallet. [Sidenote, if the bitch who stole my wallet reads my Livejournal, I hope you choked on my free burrito. In fact I hope you puked it up all over the $1500 worth of Old Navy merchandise you bought with my Visa. Skank.] I decided it was for the best. I mean, I never wanted to die tragically in a car accident and have the paramedic trying to identify my remains say, Well, her license and credit cards are burnt beyond recognition and she didn't have a checkbook...but here's a clue! Apparently she was a Frequent Burrito Eater....
However. Since that time, I have eaten burritos, well, frequently. And I realize each time I purchase one without the benefit of a Frequent Burrito Eater, I am wasting approximately 60 cents in earned burrito credit. Plus, I'm missing out on the anticipation and excitement of Free Burrito Day. What to do!?!?!? They haven't offered me a new one, which is glorious--it means perhaps I've shaken the Frequent Burrito Eater image--and I CANNOT ask. Obviously.
Has ever the human race been faced with a been faced with a crueler choice? My pride, or my participation in a burrito rewards system?
Question of the Day:
What goes in your fantasy burrito?
Mine: roasted chicken, guacomole, pico de gallo, black beans, red beans, cheddar cheeeeeeese, cilantro, plaintains
You guys, it's taken a lot out of me to talk about this. It's been therapeutic, but difficult. I might have to lie low for a while.
If not, go read right now! I can see how this wouldn't have been funny in person (especially considering the awkward venue) but it tickles me in transcript form.
Moving on.
You guys, I have an issue. You may remember that I had my wallet stolen 2 months ago. It had lots of credit cards and IDs and other shit in it, which by now have all been replaced (after countless lunch breaks spent on the phone, and one unfortunate incident in which I told off a customer service representative in Mumbai and felt like a racist for a few minutes). But there's one thing I haven't replaced, because I was ashamed I carried it around in the first place. It's my Frequent Burrito Eater card.
I got my Frequent Burrito Eater card a while back. I was ordering a burrito from the lunch place across the street when the burritotista asked if I'd like a Frequent Burrito Eater card. All of the blood drained from my face. Oh my god, I thought, he's calling me a frequent burrito eater. It sounded like an insult. This lunch place has a salad line, a sandwich line, and a burrito line--how does he know I always go for the burrito? It was like he looked straight into my soul and said, Yep. She's a dirty burrito eater. Probably eats a can of beans every night for dinner, too. I mumbled something unintelligible, and shoved the card in my wallet. But I had nowhere to shove my shame.
Now really, couldn't they have been a little more diplomatic about this Frequent Buyer system? I've gotten Frequent Flyer miles and Frequent Sandwich cards without feeling shame. It was something about the word "eater." (Ok, full disclosure, as a reformed bulimic/compulsive overeater/food hider/person with nourishment issues in general, I sometimes have a problem with people acknowledging I eat things. I prefer them to assume I produce my own fuel internally [this also obviates the awkward question, Do I shit? No, I don't, because my body is 100% efficient.] Anyway, I'm just saying I realize my horror re: the Frequent Burrito Eater card might be idiosyncratic. Though I don't know, because once Dani found it in my wallet and laughed until she cried.) You EAT that burrito, fatty. You eat it FREQUENTLY. That's what the card said to me.
So it was something of a relief when this card--which, with its eight miniature burritos stamped into it (I was so close!), confirmed that I am indeed a Frequent Burrito Eater--went the way of my wallet. [Sidenote, if the bitch who stole my wallet reads my Livejournal, I hope you choked on my free burrito. In fact I hope you puked it up all over the $1500 worth of Old Navy merchandise you bought with my Visa. Skank.] I decided it was for the best. I mean, I never wanted to die tragically in a car accident and have the paramedic trying to identify my remains say, Well, her license and credit cards are burnt beyond recognition and she didn't have a checkbook...but here's a clue! Apparently she was a Frequent Burrito Eater....
However. Since that time, I have eaten burritos, well, frequently. And I realize each time I purchase one without the benefit of a Frequent Burrito Eater, I am wasting approximately 60 cents in earned burrito credit. Plus, I'm missing out on the anticipation and excitement of Free Burrito Day. What to do!?!?!? They haven't offered me a new one, which is glorious--it means perhaps I've shaken the Frequent Burrito Eater image--and I CANNOT ask. Obviously.
Has ever the human race been faced with a been faced with a crueler choice? My pride, or my participation in a burrito rewards system?
Question of the Day:
What goes in your fantasy burrito?
Mine: roasted chicken, guacomole, pico de gallo, black beans, red beans, cheddar cheeeeeeese, cilantro, plaintains
You guys, it's taken a lot out of me to talk about this. It's been therapeutic, but difficult. I might have to lie low for a while.