Today's the day
Today is the first day that I've been homesick, and it's hitting me hard. I've been so busy here, first with my mom, and then with work, that I haven't had time to really miss anything. Today is my first day off since I started work two weeks ago. Normally, on a day off, I would be at the beach with Steph and Andrea. We'd go to lunch, and then all go home, take naps, get ready, and go out for the night. Instead, I'm walking around the house in circles. 15 minutes on the computer, 1/2 an hour of tv, cigarette, repeat. And my mom is following me around telling me lists of things that I need to do. Go to the grocery store, come smoke with me, go check on Jim's mom, water the plants, clean the kitchen, get me a pop, change my sheets. And none of it is getting through because my mind is occupied with one thing.
I have no life.
I got so used to having this grand social life with all of these great friends, and now there's nothing. I have exactly 0 friends here. I have no money so I can't go out. The lonliness is defeaning. I don't even know how to make friends. Starting from nothing, not knowing anyone, is something totally new to me. When I was younger and we first moved out to Clinton Township, I still had my center line friends, they were only 20 minutes away. More importantly, I had my brother and sister. To talk to at school, to take walks with, and to keep me occupied. Now, they don't even really talk to me. Of course I still talk to some of my friends, but when I do, it's like we're both searching for something to say. Without hanging out together, there really isn't much to talk about.
I want to just go drive somewhere and sit by myself and read on a bench and smoke cigarettes, but I can't because I don't know how to get to somewhere.
The deal I was offered when I came out here was a great one. School paid for, room and board paid for, and I would get a chance to be with my mom and work to pay off all the debt my car accident brought on. But once I got here, that deal changed. Part of school might be paid for, maybe. i'm taking out student loans and applying for financial aid. I'm going to have to pay for all of my own stuff, food included, and pay some share of the bills. This means, I am not going to be able to pay off my debt.
I'm starting to wonder why I'm here in the first place. I only see my mom for a couple hours a day, and only on the days that jim is working. I have to pay for myself for everything, including school. I could have done all of this at home. I could have stayed and been happy with my friends. I could still have my job, making twoce as much as I am now. I could still have coney's and boyfriends, and drama.
Damn I miss drama. That's how homesick I am. I miss people gossiping about me, because at least then, I knew that I was important.
I want to go home.
I have no life.
I got so used to having this grand social life with all of these great friends, and now there's nothing. I have exactly 0 friends here. I have no money so I can't go out. The lonliness is defeaning. I don't even know how to make friends. Starting from nothing, not knowing anyone, is something totally new to me. When I was younger and we first moved out to Clinton Township, I still had my center line friends, they were only 20 minutes away. More importantly, I had my brother and sister. To talk to at school, to take walks with, and to keep me occupied. Now, they don't even really talk to me. Of course I still talk to some of my friends, but when I do, it's like we're both searching for something to say. Without hanging out together, there really isn't much to talk about.
I want to just go drive somewhere and sit by myself and read on a bench and smoke cigarettes, but I can't because I don't know how to get to somewhere.
The deal I was offered when I came out here was a great one. School paid for, room and board paid for, and I would get a chance to be with my mom and work to pay off all the debt my car accident brought on. But once I got here, that deal changed. Part of school might be paid for, maybe. i'm taking out student loans and applying for financial aid. I'm going to have to pay for all of my own stuff, food included, and pay some share of the bills. This means, I am not going to be able to pay off my debt.
I'm starting to wonder why I'm here in the first place. I only see my mom for a couple hours a day, and only on the days that jim is working. I have to pay for myself for everything, including school. I could have done all of this at home. I could have stayed and been happy with my friends. I could still have my job, making twoce as much as I am now. I could still have coney's and boyfriends, and drama.
Damn I miss drama. That's how homesick I am. I miss people gossiping about me, because at least then, I knew that I was important.
I want to go home.