Colors = personas
Arc bugged me about it so I'm updating. Um... oh I started taking St. John's Wort. It has kind of hit me like a baseball bat. I seem to be growing more accustomed to it as the days go on, but it's quite an odd sensation. Not the sun sensitivity, at least not any more'n normal. It's stopped the screaming welling up confusing confabulating anxiety though. Like, things that would set me off into utter panic, I just kinda... stop. It's like... the edge is dulled. I don't feel the bubbly excitement that so derails me when I try and do things.
On the downside, I have also been feeling more lethargic, and obsessive. I don't think that's permanent though, just my normal coping mechanisms suddenly having nothing resisting them. But it's true I've heard St. John's Wort is a sedative so who knows. On the bright side I've finally been sleeping good, and I'm even getting tired now. 8pm and all. Hm... maybe too early. Anyway, so I've been stuck on the computer more, or just staring dreamily into space. Same thing, really. And so I worry that this unusually strong herb might not solve the problem of getting me up and achieving, even though it has given me a breath of relief.
It's so strange, feeling that ghost of fear rising within, only to die off without igniting into an avoidance reaction. I would have skipped away from the journal just now, had it not been for that oddness. At any rate, so I'm still here. As calmer as I've felt though, I still don't feel much happier or more hopeful. That's a good thing I suppose--the less invasive and the more specific a drug is in my opinion, the better. But still... SJW has not robbed me of my desire to rant most deliciously and morbidly.
I told Arc (friend of mine) just now that I wish I was slightly useful at something. He ignored that though, as most people do, so I'm gonna bitch about it here for a paragraph or two. First off, I don't have a degree. I'm not a hard worker (as comparing myself to others *gasp*) and I have trouble making decisions or doing leadership things. I have very strong opinions, both philosophical and political. I have an undying love of writing, and a dream of one day creating some of the stories in my head. I like comics, though have gotten too anxious about drawing to practice much myself. Maybe SJW will fix! I like programming, though have no real programs I can claim to have completed. I like philosophy, music, stories, etc. But none of this stuff is of much use to either myself or anybody else.
I have to be able to accomplish something. To make something that people look at and respect, and pay money for. I have to be able to contribute my own share of time, effort and rent to whoever I am living with. It's my obligation, my desire, and and....
And I wish I didn't have to do it at all. I'm just no good at things that people are supposed to be good at. They say you shouldn't judge yourself on the standards of others, but the standards of others are what determines if I get a wage or not! Or even count as a worthy citizen. I dunno. If I knew just one thing, one marketable thing that I'm damn good at, I think I could start looking for jobs exclusively in that area. And then I could use those jobs to help pay for school, and to move somewhere nice, and everything would be nice.
On the downside, I have also been feeling more lethargic, and obsessive. I don't think that's permanent though, just my normal coping mechanisms suddenly having nothing resisting them. But it's true I've heard St. John's Wort is a sedative so who knows. On the bright side I've finally been sleeping good, and I'm even getting tired now. 8pm and all. Hm... maybe too early. Anyway, so I've been stuck on the computer more, or just staring dreamily into space. Same thing, really. And so I worry that this unusually strong herb might not solve the problem of getting me up and achieving, even though it has given me a breath of relief.
It's so strange, feeling that ghost of fear rising within, only to die off without igniting into an avoidance reaction. I would have skipped away from the journal just now, had it not been for that oddness. At any rate, so I'm still here. As calmer as I've felt though, I still don't feel much happier or more hopeful. That's a good thing I suppose--the less invasive and the more specific a drug is in my opinion, the better. But still... SJW has not robbed me of my desire to rant most deliciously and morbidly.
I told Arc (friend of mine) just now that I wish I was slightly useful at something. He ignored that though, as most people do, so I'm gonna bitch about it here for a paragraph or two. First off, I don't have a degree. I'm not a hard worker (as comparing myself to others *gasp*) and I have trouble making decisions or doing leadership things. I have very strong opinions, both philosophical and political. I have an undying love of writing, and a dream of one day creating some of the stories in my head. I like comics, though have gotten too anxious about drawing to practice much myself. Maybe SJW will fix! I like programming, though have no real programs I can claim to have completed. I like philosophy, music, stories, etc. But none of this stuff is of much use to either myself or anybody else.
I have to be able to accomplish something. To make something that people look at and respect, and pay money for. I have to be able to contribute my own share of time, effort and rent to whoever I am living with. It's my obligation, my desire, and and....
And I wish I didn't have to do it at all. I'm just no good at things that people are supposed to be good at. They say you shouldn't judge yourself on the standards of others, but the standards of others are what determines if I get a wage or not! Or even count as a worthy citizen. I dunno. If I knew just one thing, one marketable thing that I'm damn good at, I think I could start looking for jobs exclusively in that area. And then I could use those jobs to help pay for school, and to move somewhere nice, and everything would be nice.