Losing teeth.
This morning finds me feeling perplexed, stupid and depressed. It could be because its Sunday (which usually conjures up a feeling of resistance to Monday, work and the general humdrum of life), maybe its because my birthday is in four days time (and the thought of my mortality is one that I don't handle very well) - most logically is just bad chemicals. My (somewhat) obsessive and (most defiantly) repetitive thoughts (today) revolve around certain incidences that have happened recently. Here's one:
Yesterday we joined my sister and brother in law and niece (5) and nephew (18 months) at their house for lunch. The niece has just lost her first tooth. While my husband and his sister played guitar, the kids ran riot (my nephew has discovered the joy of demanding 'wata' , pouring it on the floor (in the most bizarre places) and then screaming 'oh no! what has I doon!' ) . During the chaos my brother in law and myself tried to make lunch and chat in the kitchen. My brother in law is a most intense individual, a born psychologist, a most zen like and patient human being. The type of chap who asks you how you are doing, when you answer 'fine', looks at you intently and says 'but are you happy?' (a most awkward habit to get used to) and actually cares. While chopping tomatoes, he looks up and says that he has recently had a most disturbing revelation which he needs to deal with but is not sure how. 'What?' I ask. He answers that when he thinks of how he would like to spend a perfect day it doesn't include his family. He says this matter of fact-ly but in a lowered voice. He says that his family represent work to him - when he looks at his kids he sees nappies and bottles. When he thought of what he would like to do - who he would like to be - as a father it did not involve the person he has become. That my niece losing her first tooth is a disturbing land mark that has caused the revelation that she is growing up and his time to be what he envisioned is running out.
Now, this may not be shocking to you, but I find it horribly disturbing. For a variety of reasons. The first being that something that sounds like a testimonial from someone who in the next paragraph would tell you how he took control of his life and went on to bigger and better things could have any effect on me whatsoever. The second being why he would tell me this in the first place : see me looking awkward and miserable, shuffling and mumbling - and having absolutely no idea what to say to make him feel better. The killer reason is that I suspect that this is the state of humanity in general. That every now and again we experience an incident (that we knew to be true before (The experiencing of it) that has us pause and re-evaluate where we are in the world, where we are going, what we have and have not done.
It sounds as though I am going somewhere, doesn't it? That I have a quirky cliche to end the sermon like ramble I have just subjected you to. I don't. I suspect that he will find a plaster of some sort , a way of coping, changing his view point to justify his existence. He might emigrate or change jobs. His actions will in effect be the same. My niece will continue losing teeth. My nephew will start losing teeth too. So it goes.
Its the music. Makes me want to slit the wrists.
Yesterday we joined my sister and brother in law and niece (5) and nephew (18 months) at their house for lunch. The niece has just lost her first tooth. While my husband and his sister played guitar, the kids ran riot (my nephew has discovered the joy of demanding 'wata' , pouring it on the floor (in the most bizarre places) and then screaming 'oh no! what has I doon!' ) . During the chaos my brother in law and myself tried to make lunch and chat in the kitchen. My brother in law is a most intense individual, a born psychologist, a most zen like and patient human being. The type of chap who asks you how you are doing, when you answer 'fine', looks at you intently and says 'but are you happy?' (a most awkward habit to get used to) and actually cares. While chopping tomatoes, he looks up and says that he has recently had a most disturbing revelation which he needs to deal with but is not sure how. 'What?' I ask. He answers that when he thinks of how he would like to spend a perfect day it doesn't include his family. He says this matter of fact-ly but in a lowered voice. He says that his family represent work to him - when he looks at his kids he sees nappies and bottles. When he thought of what he would like to do - who he would like to be - as a father it did not involve the person he has become. That my niece losing her first tooth is a disturbing land mark that has caused the revelation that she is growing up and his time to be what he envisioned is running out.
Now, this may not be shocking to you, but I find it horribly disturbing. For a variety of reasons. The first being that something that sounds like a testimonial from someone who in the next paragraph would tell you how he took control of his life and went on to bigger and better things could have any effect on me whatsoever. The second being why he would tell me this in the first place : see me looking awkward and miserable, shuffling and mumbling - and having absolutely no idea what to say to make him feel better. The killer reason is that I suspect that this is the state of humanity in general. That every now and again we experience an incident (that we knew to be true before (The experiencing of it) that has us pause and re-evaluate where we are in the world, where we are going, what we have and have not done.
It sounds as though I am going somewhere, doesn't it? That I have a quirky cliche to end the sermon like ramble I have just subjected you to. I don't. I suspect that he will find a plaster of some sort , a way of coping, changing his view point to justify his existence. He might emigrate or change jobs. His actions will in effect be the same. My niece will continue losing teeth. My nephew will start losing teeth too. So it goes.
Its the music. Makes me want to slit the wrists.