(no subject)
I really progressed in my writing in 2007. Looking back on it I think it was more thought out than in 2006, even though I don't think as many people read it I think it was one of my more important writings to myself because every now and again I'll look back at it and read it just to remind myself of everything that happened.
Sometimes I wish I could freeze time and stay in that moment. Get on my knees, close my eyes and bury my head into my hands wishing time would freeze and I look up and see that I’m living in between the edges of tranquility and chaos. To wander the still frame taken of a particular moment that changes your life and alter every point within that moment that goes wrong to where it is a continuation of normalcy. But it never works that way. Where I found out that I cannot suspend time, I can only slow it and that is even more painful in itself. The moment when tension is about to burst into anarchy, you can only watch in slow motion highlighting mistakes unfold and your life is entering a realm existing in only disarray. When the moments over you feel like you hit the bottom of the end and your only hope is to pray that someone will come to pick you up and make your whole world disappear.
This year was full of those moments. Regretting growing up, regretting doing these things, regretting going to college, I lived a good portion of my year regretting and suffering consequences. Yet peace is with me now. Discovering that to be strong doesn’t necessarily mean to be physically strong however the measure of your strength is how strong you feel. The heart of your character comes from your experiences. In a definition that is an ever growing list of things that describes me, I can happily say that a few things can be cemented. A year ago I was swallowed in doubt, confusion, and uncertainty about my future, myself and my beliefs. Although I haven’t found the path of certainty, as if it were the fountain of youth, I have found bridges that lead me to different directions, pieces of concrete that stabilizes my fear of leading into oblivion and possibly connecting to something better.
Making life choices with thought instead of instinct in the past has shown to be burdensome and monotonous but I think I’ve learned that consideration of consequences can evade falling into my darkest moments. It is important to overanalyze some things but it is also important to have trust in yourself, by throwing a piece of meat out there and seeing what happens. Mistakes are important in learning how to pick yourself back up again. Taking the hit and slowly you become callus to the pain.
Why is it that people always want to argue with your beliefs in religion? Always trying to convert you to what they believe in, which is there is no God. Sooner or later it becomes an argument that has little to do with God, but it a battle of wits, intellect and knowledge. I hate being stereotyped into a typical "Christian" when they’re basis is George W. Bush and other conservative people. Some things just can’t be explained, if that makes my beliefs unreal or untrue then so be it. I can understand the counter point, hell I’ve been in the counter point. I just believe in God because he is the only one to give me feelings so strong, they make me weak, whispered in my ear "I love you" when I was broken and alone, and taught me how to love anyone. If we allow human life to be ruled by reason, then the possibility of life worth living is destroyed.
This year I’ve change, I’ve been working to live a dream not just staying awake chasing a dream. Being proactive, really considering the directions I’m going in life and putting the past behind me. The past should not affect me anymore. I am an independent and should not let the past dictate what I become. For years I’ve had issues with things in my past that reflect in my emotions, burdening my subconscious. Carefully I take a breath and softly say goodbye to those whispers that linger from a dark history and embrace the present.
Sometimes I wish I could freeze time and stay in that moment. Get on my knees, close my eyes and bury my head into my hands wishing time would freeze and I look up and see that I’m living in between the edges of tranquility and chaos. To wander the still frame taken of a particular moment that changes your life and alter every point within that moment that goes wrong to where it is a continuation of normalcy. But it never works that way. Where I found out that I cannot suspend time, I can only slow it and that is even more painful in itself. The moment when tension is about to burst into anarchy, you can only watch in slow motion highlighting mistakes unfold and your life is entering a realm existing in only disarray. When the moments over you feel like you hit the bottom of the end and your only hope is to pray that someone will come to pick you up and make your whole world disappear.
This year was full of those moments. Regretting growing up, regretting doing these things, regretting going to college, I lived a good portion of my year regretting and suffering consequences. Yet peace is with me now. Discovering that to be strong doesn’t necessarily mean to be physically strong however the measure of your strength is how strong you feel. The heart of your character comes from your experiences. In a definition that is an ever growing list of things that describes me, I can happily say that a few things can be cemented. A year ago I was swallowed in doubt, confusion, and uncertainty about my future, myself and my beliefs. Although I haven’t found the path of certainty, as if it were the fountain of youth, I have found bridges that lead me to different directions, pieces of concrete that stabilizes my fear of leading into oblivion and possibly connecting to something better.
Making life choices with thought instead of instinct in the past has shown to be burdensome and monotonous but I think I’ve learned that consideration of consequences can evade falling into my darkest moments. It is important to overanalyze some things but it is also important to have trust in yourself, by throwing a piece of meat out there and seeing what happens. Mistakes are important in learning how to pick yourself back up again. Taking the hit and slowly you become callus to the pain.
Why is it that people always want to argue with your beliefs in religion? Always trying to convert you to what they believe in, which is there is no God. Sooner or later it becomes an argument that has little to do with God, but it a battle of wits, intellect and knowledge. I hate being stereotyped into a typical "Christian" when they’re basis is George W. Bush and other conservative people. Some things just can’t be explained, if that makes my beliefs unreal or untrue then so be it. I can understand the counter point, hell I’ve been in the counter point. I just believe in God because he is the only one to give me feelings so strong, they make me weak, whispered in my ear "I love you" when I was broken and alone, and taught me how to love anyone. If we allow human life to be ruled by reason, then the possibility of life worth living is destroyed.
This year I’ve change, I’ve been working to live a dream not just staying awake chasing a dream. Being proactive, really considering the directions I’m going in life and putting the past behind me. The past should not affect me anymore. I am an independent and should not let the past dictate what I become. For years I’ve had issues with things in my past that reflect in my emotions, burdening my subconscious. Carefully I take a breath and softly say goodbye to those whispers that linger from a dark history and embrace the present.