(no subject)
So i've decided to post my old yearly reviews before I reveal my 2008 review. A traditional piece of work that I look forward to writing every year. Starting with 2006 when it all started.
As the year wanes you just sit in solitude and have one of the most sentimental times of your life. You reflect. It's times like these that you realize that you're perfectly content with who and what you are. It's like you've finally found the equilibrium, the mutual agreement you've been looking for in your life. However it's times like these that are so scarce that it scares you a little. To realize for most of your life you've never been comfortable in your own skin is a frightening thought.
All my life I've been an awkwardly, shy kid who has had little to no self-esteem. Constantly afraid of how he looked in public and took criticism too seriously, even if it were only teasing. Growing up I felt that because I was Asian where the majority of the population was white, I was the butt of too many jokes. You may be thinking "Oh great he's pulling out the racist card" but it's so true. There was nothing more I wanted to be than to be white so I could fit in and loose the slanted eye remarks. I have come to peace with it seeing how I can never change my skin color, the only way to silence the remarks is to succeed in a future that has just opened it's doors in college.
This year I've changed, I know every year people say that at the end, but so many new things revealed itself this year that I really know I've changed. Not the "I got into a accident" type of change where I look at the world in a whole new light, but the kind of change that only those who examine you closely could see. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that nobody has looked that close but on the inside the change made a world of difference.
I think I'm a better person and feel better about myself, but do I still think I'm flawed? yes, of course. Flaws are what makes me, me as much as that phrase belongs on a hallmark card or some song by a cheesy pop band, it's true. I just now realized that I've been correcting all the wrong flaws, for my biggest flaw is my inability to change. For years I've lived a life that is a result from childhood trauma and neglect that had left my emotions tangled and complex. My past is the classic whiny tale of how daddy didn't love me enough to be a father so he left. Which resulted in living a life as if I wasn't worthy of love but masked to the world with my humor and seemingly happy behavior. I lived as if there were those who were meant to live and those who were accidentally born.
I've tried things to fill that void with things that seemed like placebos for happiness ie. fantasizing a new life, finding religion and as terrible as it may sound even resorting to alcohol. But that void always felt half empty or half full. I found that religion instilled a lot of values that I agree with however there is so much left to explore that I am not ready to give myself entirely to a religion in which has presented so many disagreeable issues recently. This year I can't let an idea dictate how I think and live, I have to figure out things for myself. Although I grew up a Christian and always be a Christian this year I arrived on this feeling that Christianity has angered and confused me and I need to find peace before I devote myself to this.
In 2006 I've met some great new friends, became better friends with old acquaintances and became extremely grateful for best friends I've had for a while. As you would expect they've shaped me to who I am today and together we have shaped each other as we spend all day together or weave in and our of trouble on our adventures. In this time where I transition from high school to college I have done some really outstandingly dumb things that if my life were a tv show it'd be on Wednesday after The OC though less dramatic and nobody dies but the audience would be watching intently either rooting for me to succeed or screaming at me for being such an complete idiot, but I don't regret it for it only made me wiser.
For a year that went by so fast the memories and lessons learned seemed to happen ages ago. As I sit here happy with who I am now I know it won't last. I can wake up tomorrow and feel melancholy and go through the motions showing the world I'm human byt feeling the half full or empty void. But for now times like these where I'm in a state of Nirvana, I am alright with how everything turned out, the friendships made and broken, the experiences and the self revelations. This feeling doesn't have to last forever and a day, it doesn't have to happen once a month, it could be just once a year and I am fine with that for it feels like the world is stable once again.
As the year wanes you just sit in solitude and have one of the most sentimental times of your life. You reflect. It's times like these that you realize that you're perfectly content with who and what you are. It's like you've finally found the equilibrium, the mutual agreement you've been looking for in your life. However it's times like these that are so scarce that it scares you a little. To realize for most of your life you've never been comfortable in your own skin is a frightening thought.
All my life I've been an awkwardly, shy kid who has had little to no self-esteem. Constantly afraid of how he looked in public and took criticism too seriously, even if it were only teasing. Growing up I felt that because I was Asian where the majority of the population was white, I was the butt of too many jokes. You may be thinking "Oh great he's pulling out the racist card" but it's so true. There was nothing more I wanted to be than to be white so I could fit in and loose the slanted eye remarks. I have come to peace with it seeing how I can never change my skin color, the only way to silence the remarks is to succeed in a future that has just opened it's doors in college.
This year I've changed, I know every year people say that at the end, but so many new things revealed itself this year that I really know I've changed. Not the "I got into a accident" type of change where I look at the world in a whole new light, but the kind of change that only those who examine you closely could see. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that nobody has looked that close but on the inside the change made a world of difference.
I think I'm a better person and feel better about myself, but do I still think I'm flawed? yes, of course. Flaws are what makes me, me as much as that phrase belongs on a hallmark card or some song by a cheesy pop band, it's true. I just now realized that I've been correcting all the wrong flaws, for my biggest flaw is my inability to change. For years I've lived a life that is a result from childhood trauma and neglect that had left my emotions tangled and complex. My past is the classic whiny tale of how daddy didn't love me enough to be a father so he left. Which resulted in living a life as if I wasn't worthy of love but masked to the world with my humor and seemingly happy behavior. I lived as if there were those who were meant to live and those who were accidentally born.
I've tried things to fill that void with things that seemed like placebos for happiness ie. fantasizing a new life, finding religion and as terrible as it may sound even resorting to alcohol. But that void always felt half empty or half full. I found that religion instilled a lot of values that I agree with however there is so much left to explore that I am not ready to give myself entirely to a religion in which has presented so many disagreeable issues recently. This year I can't let an idea dictate how I think and live, I have to figure out things for myself. Although I grew up a Christian and always be a Christian this year I arrived on this feeling that Christianity has angered and confused me and I need to find peace before I devote myself to this.
In 2006 I've met some great new friends, became better friends with old acquaintances and became extremely grateful for best friends I've had for a while. As you would expect they've shaped me to who I am today and together we have shaped each other as we spend all day together or weave in and our of trouble on our adventures. In this time where I transition from high school to college I have done some really outstandingly dumb things that if my life were a tv show it'd be on Wednesday after The OC though less dramatic and nobody dies but the audience would be watching intently either rooting for me to succeed or screaming at me for being such an complete idiot, but I don't regret it for it only made me wiser.
For a year that went by so fast the memories and lessons learned seemed to happen ages ago. As I sit here happy with who I am now I know it won't last. I can wake up tomorrow and feel melancholy and go through the motions showing the world I'm human byt feeling the half full or empty void. But for now times like these where I'm in a state of Nirvana, I am alright with how everything turned out, the friendships made and broken, the experiences and the self revelations. This feeling doesn't have to last forever and a day, it doesn't have to happen once a month, it could be just once a year and I am fine with that for it feels like the world is stable once again.