(no subject)
?
Got up this morning….late
Sitting here…..staring at the monitor …..-blank-
…made a task log yesterday to help me …stay on task….and remain organized…….
Look:
{edit}
…now when it is time for my Appraisal…….i’ll have records
…my manager is fair…..
kind
-monotonous-
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feeling a lot better this morning…..melancholy? mom’s leaving for Africa …
he just ran across my mind {{{out of my head}}}
he said I was “?uiet” last night…
been thinking about that….a lot
iono……it’s not that ion have things to say…..
my mind……perplexedly…thinks
arbitrary….yet lucid thoughts
sometimes…
mostly
I’m a loner ……it isn’t often that I actually talk to people…..and when I do….i’m listening
…when I hear myself speak…ion like it
{-shut up-}
is all I can think
I sound so different in my head
Seldom being capable of finding words that grasp my thoughts
Words form mental contradictions- audiles -blah-
Hmmm it’s deeper than that
*taking my clothes off*
naked
transparent
-hate this-
rejection ……I look around at other people [there’s my mistake rii there]…….in my……”audience”
….i’m so different
from my vocabulary….eating habits……passions…to the genre of music that appeals to me
even the beliefs I yield to render diversity
weirdness to some
uniqueness to others
I love me……every part of my genius
From the eccentricity…to the lack of knowledge….ignorance
-silly-
I love everybody else also…..even those people
…who rub me the wrong way [sandpaper on chalk board -soul clench’n-]
people are who they are….
yet people are the reason why I am a “hermit” --- hard shell…soft insides {{get away}}
But once in a pink and green moon….i meet someone….
…and…….i care……
-reality
-
she’s a stranger
----->
This is when I pack all of me up [mental, emotional, thoughts…soul] and jump into my shell hiding my essence
delving into work/business
so you can’t see
me
playing hide and seek gotcha
nana nana boo boo you can’t catch me
gotcha
caught…dang
-want to hide- stop looking at me....
I love people..and don’t want to hurt…wrongfully undermined or do anything that will even vaguely stunt or alter their growth…
i refuse to yield to instinct
to hide behind walls of lies and deception
dressing my insecurity “in pride”/ “arrogance”
clothing myself in that
“I’m the this…you aint that” pretense
that so beseeches me to put
-for protection-
naked
thus I hide behind air… silence… and smiles
empty
………. [dot dot dot] speaks volumes
read…
in-between…the…lines ©
nevertheless….i realized that although I no longer hide behind walls of deception &/or pride….
I still am not transparent
Hiding still
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My heart beats…fast…
Million miles per hours when I’m about to
open my heart to express
…thus I open my mouth and speak…
"ahhhhhhhhhhh duh" <---dumb
-blah-
silently whispering, “I’m scared as of what you might think of me…”
which usually sounds like, “-retarded breath- hey, how are you?”
or
“a stupid sounding overly forced laugh”
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twenty one years of age
young…wealthy…successful…blessed w/ everything…nothing withheld
yet……nervous…..scared…….shy
and soo insecure
words evade me….yet are flowing so freely
-in this moment-
temporaily wanting to be something I’m not
to catch wonder that I feel has “slipped”
refusal
can’t
accept me in conquest…………leave me in my ignominy?
accept me in my ignominy…....leave me in conquest?
?leave me?
L O V E
me
it is what it is……..everything …everything
there will be:
GHJ L
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as I write logic….reasoning….the why’s and reasons
overtake my mind
-things could be all so simple…..but I rather make it hard-
and although I will adhere to wisdom…..this is how I feel
ANSWERING MY INSANITY:
friend P Pronunciation Key (fr nd)
n.
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.
tr.v. Archaic friend•ed, friend•ing, friends
To befriend.
[Middle English, from Old English fr ond. See pr - in Indo-European Roots.]
friend less adj.
friend less•ness n.
Word History: A friend is a lover, literally. The relationship between Latin am cus “friend” and am “I love” is clear, as is the relationship between Greek philos “friend” and phile “I love.” In English, though, we have to go back a millennium before we see the verb related to friend. At that time, fr ond, the Old English word for “friend,” was simply the present participle of the verb fr on, “to love.” The Germanic root behind this verb is *fr -, which meant “to like, love, be friendly to.” Closely linked to these concepts is that of “peace,” and in fact Germanic made a noun from this root, *frithu-, meaning exactly that. Ultimately descended from this noun are the personal names Frederick, “peaceful ruler,” and Siegfried, ”victory peace.” The root also shows up in the name of the Germanic deity Frigg, the goddess of love, who lives on today in the word Friday, “day of Frigg,” from an ancient translation of Latin Veneris di s, “day of Venus.”
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friendship-love
[my opinion] Love is a decision guided by pure emotions
The decision to provide the needs for another whether thier needs are physical, mental…spiritual
Love has no restrictions -no chains-
charity=love
“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth:
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
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When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
12 This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. 13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends
love.....why is it that i hate love?
it isn't love that i hate............how is it that love hurts like hell
it aint love that has hurt me in the past
it was everything but..........leaving my PAST where it's at BEHIND ME......unless i'm remembering mistakes............to help make right choices in my FUTURE
*kisses the memory of my past "love lust life goodbye"
wew
….i almost lost myself……for a min.
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it’s okay….
I do like him…..i do
I think he is beauty……mentally physically………he is
Who he is……
I just feel him in my spirit……in my heart
with that i hope he understands
butterfly fly
No evil thoughts
Or petty grievance
Open honest
Allowing him to do him the way he chooses to do it
With whoever
Liberated…free……to be EXACTLY who he wants to be
Arguments? -blah- no…
And
…..whenever…………..he needs ………me
…..he’s got me
whenever he needs me gone
……..ghost
don’t ever wonder…….
Ion want to be hurt………but
I'm willing to take a chance and befriend him………..be there UNBIASLY
Forgetting the dumb
….scared for what? to make a new friend?
joy chum on………………
it’s okay
that just means you got someone in your right
that will always be real with you
never turn you away
always care…
laugh w/
and at
be down for you
no more “nvm”s
I’ll be open………….from here I leave the ball in his court
But if he does choose to take a seat in my elite complexly simple
audience
I only have one requirement
….see me…….
For who I am
I’m coming out
…..don’t step on me…. :-l
.....glad this only happens once a decade -wonders what it would be like to be normal- hmm
naaaaah
THE END