What is my endgame?...
I have been thinking lately, mainly because it came up again over dinner the other night with GeoKnitfit (aka Jenny aka Sam the dog’s mom), that I haven’t had a clear picture of what I want my life to be like. These thoughts were triggered by me relaying an instance of when I did picture it and then years later realizing that I had actually achieved it without a clear cut plan. Heck, I didn’t know I had achieved it till years afterwards.
The picture in my head was simple. It was me driving around the mountains in a jeep… with my dog by my side. That image in my head happened at least 5 years before Lucy was even born… 7 years before I discovered the North Georgia Mountains… 8 years before I bought Otie… Heck I had forgotten about that image, picture or dream - whatever you want to call it - probably right after I had it. I hadn’t thought about it till about 2 years ago, when I remembered that picture and the simplicity of that small goal. I was saddened that I would never have that… And then it hit me. I already had it. Yeah it’s a true story… I can be that dense at times.
I had made a goal. Ok just a picture in my head, but a goal none-the-less. No, there was no plan that went with it. No grandiose scheme of how to achieve it. No detailed road map of how to get where I wanted to be. Just a little picture of me and my dog driving around the mountains in a jeep. That wasn’t even important enough to stay in the forefront of my memory. Somehow, inadvertently I had made it happen. The choices I had made along the way lead me to that image. It’s funny… The image wasn’t clear cut detailed when I originally had it. No color of the jeep. No type of dog. No particular mountain road. But now… All I can see is me and My Big Yellow dog Lucy driving around in Otie (white Jeep Cherokee) with the windows open and driving around the North Georgia Mountains. It is crystal clear.
Now, what really is shocking, at least to me, is that I haven’t even tried to picture my life in the future… Or maybe I have, once again inadvertently. I have made some broad sweeping changes, But to what end? What is my destination? What do I want my life to look like?
Pretty deep, Huh? Yeah I think so too. In reality it really isn’t. I may not have pictured it, but I’m sure I’ve thought about it. Actually, I know I have thought about it and it is as vague as the jeep in the mountains picture. I realized about 3 years ago that I wanted to simplify my life. I was tired of other things ruling my life. I had so little time at home (because of commutes and such), things were falling through the cracks. I was making my life more complicated by the purchase of stuff to make my life easier. I know that sounds a little warped and I have to agree. But it took me a very long time to get it. I was spending an inordinate amount of time and money building or buying storage solutions for all the stuff I had to spend a lot of time cleaning, maintaining, repairing or replacing. Warped I tell ya.
So I started getting rid of stuff.
- A landscape trailer - 5’ x 6’ x 3’ (90 cubic feet) - worth of stuff a couple of times a year for 3 years. We are talking a bunch of stuff! Whatever didn’t sell at the yard sales went directly to Goodwill for tax deductions.
- I started taking shelves down.
- I got rid of bins (that had become empty because of the purge)
- I shredded paper. I reduced my overflowing, stuffed to the gills 2 drawer file cabinet down to a loosely filled one drawer.
I worked on and finally changed my purchase habits.
- Make and Use a shopping list.
- Evaluate every purchase and classify as either need or want.
- I try to be mindful of not throwing good money after bad… Free sofa instead of buying a brand spanking new one while I have 3 big shedding dirty dogs that drool all over it. A much better use of money.
- Moved away from using a credit card for everything.
- Planned and saved for major purchases.
- Cut non-essential spending back
- If buying to replace an existing item… get rid of the old item - sell, donate or trash.
I even changed the way I deal with stuff I already had.
- I use what I already have first before getting new.
- A place for everything and everything in it’s place - I struggle with this one a little… the kitchen table and my office desk tend to get out of hand at times… as well as the dog toys. But in my defense it never gets completely out of control.
- Everything has a purpose. If it doesn’t, then why do I have it?
- I maintain my stuff and if it breaks, then I try to fix it myself. But the key is to know when a professional should be called in. Though maintaining things tends to minimalize the amount of fixing that has to be done. Obvious lesson… Take 2 years off and you end up fixing everything at once. Uh hem… see repair list to the left.
- I try to use with respect and display with honor things that mean a lot to me… not store them in a box in the back of a closet.
- I always keep an eye out for new and better ways to store the things I already have… ie - cds and dvds into digital files.
It hasn’t been easy. It has been a little fun and definitely very rewarding. But I keep asking; where am I going?
So I didn’t just stop there. I started to look at other things in my life that weren’t working. I let go of some residual anger issues, moved some buttons, reprioritized what I felt should be important, started managing my money better, started dealing with some health issues and worked on my relationship with God. I have gone out of my way to remove stress out of my life by simplifying it. The one area in my life that I haven’t addressed is work. Right now it is the one thing that is bringing me the greatest amount of stress. But that soon will be dealt with one way or another.
So I ask again… Where am I going? How do I see my life? What am I trying to achieve?
I am trying to make my life simpler so I can enjoy the things and people that are important to me. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and in my own life.
Did I know that was what I was trying to do all along? No, I didn’t. I just knew these changes made sense and I felt I was doing the right thing. That right there is the written answer, but where’s the picture?
Well, as I was in the back yard with the dogs last Sunday morning, I sat down under the big black walnut tree next to Lucy. She had been sitting there waiting patiently for me to finish putting the lawn mower away. As we sat there she occasionally wagged her tail as I scratched her ears. We were then joined by Dollie who wanted some of that ear scratching action too. After a few minutes, Foster came outside and decided he must be missing something. He trotted up the hill and laid down on the other side of Lucy. There we all were, Me, sitting under the shade of the big black walnut tree in the back yard, surrounded by Lucy, Dollie and Foster. There was a light breeze blowing across the yard making the warm sun pleasant. The 4 of us just soaking in the beautiful day and just being… No running, barking, yelling, planning...just being.
I was sitting there, under that tree…and it hit me, an overwhelming sense of Déjà vu. I like usual blew it off.
But Days later I realize it. That is my picture.