(no subject)
It takes a lot of courage for me to come face to face with an enemy.
Enemy is a broad term though. Whoever the person is can fit the description on a broad scale; from a minor infraction to a major one. Either way...it takes a lot for me to hide my emotions, period.
I've never been one to cause a scene in public, but apparently I do so without even meaning to. All because of the expression on my face or the "aura" or "vibe" that I give off. I think I'm being cordial and friendly in the face of someone I despise for whatever reason. Turns out I'm wearing my feelings on my face for all to see and scorn.
I find that I'm in desperate need of a humbling experience; something that will straighten me out and put me on my proper path to success in all aspects of my life. I say that past relationships were humbling...but it's not all about me now is it?
No, I need to be humbled on a much larger scale. Hopefully it won't take something like a near-death experience or bankruptcy or the loss of the one I love to humble me, but I'm starting to feel like that's how it's going to be. It's going to be grand.
I always talk about how paranoid Todd was and how that's the whole reason why we broke up; so on and so forth. What I never realized, curse him, is that I'm the paranoid one as well. I expect rain when the sun is shining and I expect heartbreak when the road starts to get bumpy.
I don't know what's troubling me so much. Why do I act this way? Is it my upbringing, or something conscious that is done of my own will.
Whatever it is, it's beginning to bother Jon.
I love Jon, truly and deeply and I'd hate to think of living my life without someone as wonderful as him around. He makes so much sense and he's always there to guide me in the right direction when I walk astray.
But I feel as if he's losing his patience with me and growing tired of guiding me. Hardly seems fair to me; but it's not all about me, now is it?
I'm realizing, more than ever, that I'm a selfish person. It takes a lot for me to give and a whole lot less for me to take. I should be hesitant on the receiving side of a gift and swift on the giving side of one.
However, as much as I preach to myself and whoever reads this I never bother to take my own advice. Why is that? Is it not clear to me the damage and heartache I cause to those around me? Is it so hard for me to be a bit more wary of my actions and think before I act?
I'm getting depressed and it's my own fault. I won't stay this way though. I find a tangible reason to be happy and I'll completely ignore the problem like it doesn't exist until things get worse and I wind up getting even more hurt in the end.
Or maybe I'll stay depressed. And then it'll start to become an attention getter and someone else will change or apologize to make the problem "go away" and then everything will be right as rain.
But hopefully something good will come out of my thoughts. A lesson learned maybe, hopefully. I am truly sad, but only because I'm selfish and want to be happy at no extra cost to myself. I have no trouble admitting defeat...it's finding a solution and carrying it through that I have a problem with.
I want Jon to be happy. I don't want to be a hateful, vengeful person with no friends. Like my mother. Tolerated by few and despised by most. I don't want Jon to come to hate me later on in life.
I truly am a horrible person. This is not a statement for attention or pity; I want none of that. This is a true statement because only a horrible person can recognize that there is a problem, know what the problem is, and be so self-centered that they refuse to solve the problem.
Enemy is a broad term though. Whoever the person is can fit the description on a broad scale; from a minor infraction to a major one. Either way...it takes a lot for me to hide my emotions, period.
I've never been one to cause a scene in public, but apparently I do so without even meaning to. All because of the expression on my face or the "aura" or "vibe" that I give off. I think I'm being cordial and friendly in the face of someone I despise for whatever reason. Turns out I'm wearing my feelings on my face for all to see and scorn.
I find that I'm in desperate need of a humbling experience; something that will straighten me out and put me on my proper path to success in all aspects of my life. I say that past relationships were humbling...but it's not all about me now is it?
No, I need to be humbled on a much larger scale. Hopefully it won't take something like a near-death experience or bankruptcy or the loss of the one I love to humble me, but I'm starting to feel like that's how it's going to be. It's going to be grand.
I always talk about how paranoid Todd was and how that's the whole reason why we broke up; so on and so forth. What I never realized, curse him, is that I'm the paranoid one as well. I expect rain when the sun is shining and I expect heartbreak when the road starts to get bumpy.
I don't know what's troubling me so much. Why do I act this way? Is it my upbringing, or something conscious that is done of my own will.
Whatever it is, it's beginning to bother Jon.
I love Jon, truly and deeply and I'd hate to think of living my life without someone as wonderful as him around. He makes so much sense and he's always there to guide me in the right direction when I walk astray.
But I feel as if he's losing his patience with me and growing tired of guiding me. Hardly seems fair to me; but it's not all about me, now is it?
I'm realizing, more than ever, that I'm a selfish person. It takes a lot for me to give and a whole lot less for me to take. I should be hesitant on the receiving side of a gift and swift on the giving side of one.
However, as much as I preach to myself and whoever reads this I never bother to take my own advice. Why is that? Is it not clear to me the damage and heartache I cause to those around me? Is it so hard for me to be a bit more wary of my actions and think before I act?
I'm getting depressed and it's my own fault. I won't stay this way though. I find a tangible reason to be happy and I'll completely ignore the problem like it doesn't exist until things get worse and I wind up getting even more hurt in the end.
Or maybe I'll stay depressed. And then it'll start to become an attention getter and someone else will change or apologize to make the problem "go away" and then everything will be right as rain.
But hopefully something good will come out of my thoughts. A lesson learned maybe, hopefully. I am truly sad, but only because I'm selfish and want to be happy at no extra cost to myself. I have no trouble admitting defeat...it's finding a solution and carrying it through that I have a problem with.
I want Jon to be happy. I don't want to be a hateful, vengeful person with no friends. Like my mother. Tolerated by few and despised by most. I don't want Jon to come to hate me later on in life.
I truly am a horrible person. This is not a statement for attention or pity; I want none of that. This is a true statement because only a horrible person can recognize that there is a problem, know what the problem is, and be so self-centered that they refuse to solve the problem.