(no subject)
I've been absolutely frustrated for the most part in the past week. I'm dealing with it and doing a lot of deep breathing, but holy shit its like I've warped into some other dimension. My mother has breast cancer. I'm terrified. She has to get two lumps removed. Neither of us know if she'll for sure have to go through chemo, but we're all a huge ball of nerves about it all. She already had skin cancer on her nose and still has scarring from the laser treatment. Her mother had a tumor in her throat and had to go through it all. Which is all hitting close to home since the majority of my family has dealt with or died from cancer.
Sometimes around here I feel like my possessions are not actually mine although I pay for everything with the shit money I make. I've tried to stress this is no hippie commune and if we're operating under communism, everyone needs to start giving me everything they've got and everything they need will be dished back out evenly. But its definitely not take whatever and give later, which is usually never. I switched my brand of cigarettes about a week ago, but I can remember buying MORE THAN 10 packs since then. I don't smoke that much. I've mysteriously lost at least 2 nearly full packs, half packs disappear like it ain't nothing, suddenly I have one cigarette overnight. Which is partially my fault for not securing them with duct tape to an inconspicuous place on my body I suppose...and Libby smokes the same brand so there have been mix ups... I felt the same way when Ty and Clarence used to live at my old place. I'm not big mama takin care dem boys.
I'm not going to even get into food. I feel too uptight about stuff sometimes, but then I remember OH YEAH I'm already supporting someone! Even if he's a little dude, most people don't quite grasp it all. I mean, I have friends who cannot even support their own damn self, but look at me funny when I don't let people have their way with my groceries. Or friends whose PARENTS support them and they still want my food and cigarettes. But suddenly I'm being called petty or greedy. Libby and I get our own food, eat our own food, and if we want each other's food, we ask. I make a big dinner sometimes, too, and that's for everyone. I wish like hell I could feed every single one of my hungry friends. Its not greed or apathy, its plain inability.
But my computer is awesome now and getting awesomer still. Finally someone who said they were going to fix it actually did, and went beyond that. I have a sweeet ass desktop program and other stuff I haven't even gotten into. I'm still getting a bigger monitor and a few more tweaks. I'm ecstatic. I'm also getting a laptop which should arrive within the next week. new technology kicks ass.
Sometimes around here I feel like my possessions are not actually mine although I pay for everything with the shit money I make. I've tried to stress this is no hippie commune and if we're operating under communism, everyone needs to start giving me everything they've got and everything they need will be dished back out evenly. But its definitely not take whatever and give later, which is usually never. I switched my brand of cigarettes about a week ago, but I can remember buying MORE THAN 10 packs since then. I don't smoke that much. I've mysteriously lost at least 2 nearly full packs, half packs disappear like it ain't nothing, suddenly I have one cigarette overnight. Which is partially my fault for not securing them with duct tape to an inconspicuous place on my body I suppose...and Libby smokes the same brand so there have been mix ups... I felt the same way when Ty and Clarence used to live at my old place. I'm not big mama takin care dem boys.
I'm not going to even get into food. I feel too uptight about stuff sometimes, but then I remember OH YEAH I'm already supporting someone! Even if he's a little dude, most people don't quite grasp it all. I mean, I have friends who cannot even support their own damn self, but look at me funny when I don't let people have their way with my groceries. Or friends whose PARENTS support them and they still want my food and cigarettes. But suddenly I'm being called petty or greedy. Libby and I get our own food, eat our own food, and if we want each other's food, we ask. I make a big dinner sometimes, too, and that's for everyone. I wish like hell I could feed every single one of my hungry friends. Its not greed or apathy, its plain inability.
But my computer is awesome now and getting awesomer still. Finally someone who said they were going to fix it actually did, and went beyond that. I have a sweeet ass desktop program and other stuff I haven't even gotten into. I'm still getting a bigger monitor and a few more tweaks. I'm ecstatic. I'm also getting a laptop which should arrive within the next week. new technology kicks ass.