still not dead.
and how.
the insomnia has come back full force as of late. i'm staying awake longer and longer each week. my average night's sleep is somewhere between 4 and 5.5 hours. but the sleep is all for naught, considering the severity of my nightmares. i wake up more tired than when i passed out in the first place. although, i have grown accustom to the suffering in my dreams, so it doesn't bother me as much when i wake. i just stare at the ceiling and think "well that was a weird one" and drift off again. but my mind is finding new and incredible ways to terrorize itself each day. after a lull in dream activity, i subconsciously cook up a real zinger for myself. last week i had a dream where i received an envelope containing all my personal information and life history, from my SSN and photos to a spelling quiz from the fifth grade. I had a panic attack trying to figure out if someone had been watching me my whole life and why. i didn't get out of bed that morning.
by the by, however, they are reasonably manageable. the other night a mass-murderer hacked up a bunch of party-goers in a dream; the blood splattering the walls and entrails on the floor hardly phased me as i went to hit on the attractive girl, who shot me down....in my dreams. no dice.
no one i know anymore is awake at these times to talk to me or go on night adventures. playing halo live or watching movies and anime is comforting, but only to certain degrees. however, driving around baton rouge at 4h00a is beautiful, and so is the B-Quick.
that's a funny phrase, "no one i know anymore." i have taken my alienating credo to it's most extreme as of late, constantly deleting people from my life. it became an obsession at one point, where i was finding myself driven to delete 2 or 3 people a week from my facebook or cell phone just to satisfy the lust. but i can honestly say that i know who my friends are; i can count them on my hands and a foot. maybe two.
i am more and more comfortable with who i am each day. and who i am becoming. and who i've been. the big things and the little things, all things: less important now. still much growing and living to do. but i don't bitch anywhere near as much as i used to about anything. maybe i've found my place in the sun. who knows. i am a bad person, i'm sure of it. and i love it.
i'm not eating much these days. i might eat once a day. there are some days, sometimes two in a row, where i will forget to eat at all. it just doesn't matter. but i am eating lots of fish and sushi, which is better than other things. and losing weight. and gaining mercury deposits. yum.
i met a girl. which i always do. i like this one as if i was in high school, or younger. i asked her for her number, then a date. the date was phenomenal, and we talk a lot and hang out occasionally. hard to read her, though; she might not really be interested. i hope she is, i'm really sweet on her. she's sarcastic and witty, and has a lovely smile. the rest of her is pretty as well, for whatever that's worth.
for some reason, people think i'm going to be a great writer. it feels good to type that. i have some fans, and some support; if only for a brief moment. i believe them. not sure if it matters, as long as i am writing. it's the only thing i can do. so i'm gonna do it till i die.
i'm gonna be 22 soon. still not dead.
the insomnia has come back full force as of late. i'm staying awake longer and longer each week. my average night's sleep is somewhere between 4 and 5.5 hours. but the sleep is all for naught, considering the severity of my nightmares. i wake up more tired than when i passed out in the first place. although, i have grown accustom to the suffering in my dreams, so it doesn't bother me as much when i wake. i just stare at the ceiling and think "well that was a weird one" and drift off again. but my mind is finding new and incredible ways to terrorize itself each day. after a lull in dream activity, i subconsciously cook up a real zinger for myself. last week i had a dream where i received an envelope containing all my personal information and life history, from my SSN and photos to a spelling quiz from the fifth grade. I had a panic attack trying to figure out if someone had been watching me my whole life and why. i didn't get out of bed that morning.
by the by, however, they are reasonably manageable. the other night a mass-murderer hacked up a bunch of party-goers in a dream; the blood splattering the walls and entrails on the floor hardly phased me as i went to hit on the attractive girl, who shot me down....in my dreams. no dice.
no one i know anymore is awake at these times to talk to me or go on night adventures. playing halo live or watching movies and anime is comforting, but only to certain degrees. however, driving around baton rouge at 4h00a is beautiful, and so is the B-Quick.
that's a funny phrase, "no one i know anymore." i have taken my alienating credo to it's most extreme as of late, constantly deleting people from my life. it became an obsession at one point, where i was finding myself driven to delete 2 or 3 people a week from my facebook or cell phone just to satisfy the lust. but i can honestly say that i know who my friends are; i can count them on my hands and a foot. maybe two.
i am more and more comfortable with who i am each day. and who i am becoming. and who i've been. the big things and the little things, all things: less important now. still much growing and living to do. but i don't bitch anywhere near as much as i used to about anything. maybe i've found my place in the sun. who knows. i am a bad person, i'm sure of it. and i love it.
i'm not eating much these days. i might eat once a day. there are some days, sometimes two in a row, where i will forget to eat at all. it just doesn't matter. but i am eating lots of fish and sushi, which is better than other things. and losing weight. and gaining mercury deposits. yum.
i met a girl. which i always do. i like this one as if i was in high school, or younger. i asked her for her number, then a date. the date was phenomenal, and we talk a lot and hang out occasionally. hard to read her, though; she might not really be interested. i hope she is, i'm really sweet on her. she's sarcastic and witty, and has a lovely smile. the rest of her is pretty as well, for whatever that's worth.
for some reason, people think i'm going to be a great writer. it feels good to type that. i have some fans, and some support; if only for a brief moment. i believe them. not sure if it matters, as long as i am writing. it's the only thing i can do. so i'm gonna do it till i die.
i'm gonna be 22 soon. still not dead.