i only want you when i'm down
funny being back here again. i didn't even delete the old stuff or make a new name.
maybe i'm maturing.
here's a convo.
it's a splice of me.
only one person is going to really read this and care.
as for the feelings, probably null and void.
jokers r wi1d (1:08:41 AM): juststarting the writing
jokers r wi1d (1:08:45 AM): got a better idea
jokers r wi1d (1:08:53 AM): trying to flesh it out
jokers r wi1d (1:09:20 AM): do you think i'll ever be a good writer?
chocomoo2 (1:09:55 AM): Yes, but sometimes I wonder why you want to be a writer
jokers r wi1d (1:10:08 AM): really
jokers r wi1d (1:10:11 AM): why's that?
chocomoo2 (1:10:43 AM): Because sometimes I wonder you're more into the image of being a writer
jokers r wi1d (1:11:11 AM): interesting observation
jokers r wi1d (1:12:03 AM): do i have the "image?"
chocomoo2 (1:12:20 AM): Yeah, most of it. But I think you're still after some more of that
jokers r wi1d (1:12:44 AM): how about talent?
jokers r wi1d (1:12:50 AM): or, potential?
chocomoo2 (1:13:13 AM): I haven't read anything of yours in a while, but I remember thinking that you were good
jokers r wi1d (1:13:28 AM): lmao
jokers r wi1d (1:13:36 AM): what a remarkable answer
chocomoo2 (1:13:33 AM): Is it?
jokers r wi1d (1:13:43 AM): indeed
chocomoo2 (1:13:43 AM): Ah. Just trying to be honest.
jokers r wi1d (1:13:54 AM): i know.
jokers r wi1d (1:14:03 AM): that's why i aksed you and not someone else
jokers r wi1d (1:14:12 AM): i don't fish for complements with you
jokers r wi1d (1:14:20 AM): i do with some others
jokers r wi1d (1:14:35 AM): i beleive if i were a loser you'd tell me so
chocomoo2 (1:15:16 AM): lol, well I mean I think that as a good friend you deserve honesty. But I wouldn't ever say "loser"
jokers r wi1d (1:15:58 AM): true; but as an eqully good friend i believe i would know when yo were politely calling me a loser
chocomoo2 (1:16:16 AM): Hah, you have a point there
jokers r wi1d (1:16:30 AM): you're ight though
jokers r wi1d (1:16:47 AM): i have been chasing a great many things as of late
jokers r wi1d (1:16:53 AM): and haven't been writing much at all
jokers r wi1d (1:16:59 AM): i would like to change that
chocomoo2 (1:17:59 AM): I think that would help you get more centered
jokers r wi1d (1:18:54 AM): indeed
jokers r wi1d (1:19:14 AM): i feel like i've been strangely detatched from everything lately
chocomoo2 (1:20:01 AM): Why do you think that is?
jokers r wi1d (1:20:16 AM): i'm not at all sure
jokers r wi1d (1:20:52 AM): i feel like my consciousness has been walking parallel along side mmy body. and my body as been going through the motions.
chocomoo2 (1:22:14 AM): That's called depersonalization, I think
jokers r wi1d (1:22:28 AM): yes, i believe it is
jokers r wi1d (1:22:46 AM): i haven't so much enjoyed the time i've spent with people lately
jokers r wi1d (1:23:13 AM): and i find myself escaping into trivialities to compensate for the boredom
jokers r wi1d (1:23:28 AM): but nothing creative or intellectual
jokers r wi1d (1:23:45 AM): just hiding in the empty spaces of my brain
jokers r wi1d (1:25:29 AM): i love how focused i am when i speak to you about my general existence and/or well-being
jokers r wi1d (1:25:50 AM): you're like my human journal
chocomoo2 (1:27:14 AM): lol, well I'm glad I can act as a helpful tool. I just think that some of the things you say to me show that you need to talk to someone who can actually help you. I get worried about you.
jokers r wi1d (1:28:36 AM): maybe that's the only reason i open up to you
jokers r wi1d (1:28:46 AM): you worry
chocomoo2 (1:29:52 AM): I really do.
jokers r wi1d (1:30:12 AM): not like a mother
jokers r wi1d (1:30:50 AM): everyone else has a "yes, dear" attitude. they want band-aids
jokers r wi1d (1:31:02 AM): you make me feel like a human being
jokers r wi1d (1:31:19 AM): for whatever that semblance is worth these days
jokers r wi1d (1:32:01 AM): like when matt says he worries about me. he's really thinking about himself. his needs.
chocomoo2 (1:33:51 AM): Well, I genuinely care about you and your well being
jokers r wi1d (1:34:01 AM): i know
jokers r wi1d (1:34:09 AM): that's why i open up to you
jokers r wi1d (1:34:15 AM): even the less desirables
jokers r wi1d (1:34:28 AM): i'll tell you a secret
jokers r wi1d (1:34:39 AM): but it's not worth anything
jokers r wi1d (1:34:47 AM): just something no one gets to see
jokers r wi1d (1:34:54 AM): i have many journals
jokers r wi1d (1:35:03 AM): and i can write pages on my days
jokers r wi1d (1:35:05 AM): stories
jokers r wi1d (1:35:06 AM): poems
jokers r wi1d (1:35:21 AM): and when i'm done, i tear them all out and throw hem away
jokers r wi1d (1:35:34 AM): i couldn't tell you why
chocomoo2 (1:36:04 AM): That's really interesting. No idea why you would do this?
jokers r wi1d (1:36:41 AM): nope
jokers r wi1d (1:37:07 AM): all my journals have the pages ripped out
jokers r wi1d (1:37:23 AM): and half way throgh a journal i discard it and get a new one
chocomoo2 (1:37:53 AM): I used to tear up my poems and stories because I didn't like them. I was embarassed about them and didn't want people to see.
jokers r wi1d (1:38:09 AM): that's a shame
chocomoo2 (1:38:47 AM): I still delete my stories and poems because I don't like them. Now I just don't write anymore
jokers r wi1d (1:39:05 AM): you should write
jokers r wi1d (1:39:08 AM): everyone should
chocomoo2 (1:40:17 AM): Well, I should. You're right. But my point was, I destroyed these things too. Do you think you destroy yours because you're trying to hide them or get rid of them?
jokers r wi1d (1:42:03 AM): no
jokers r wi1d (1:42:09 AM): no one reads my journals
jokers r wi1d (1:42:14 AM): not even me
jokers r wi1d (1:42:23 AM): i rarely revisit them
jokers r wi1d (1:42:48 AM): if someone askes to hear them, i gladly volunteer, though
jokers r wi1d (1:42:52 AM): i like the attention
jokers r wi1d (1:43:32 AM): you know, i'm never happy with the attention i get
jokers r wi1d (1:43:37 AM): i always want more
jokers r wi1d (1:43:57 AM): but i hate receiving praise of any kind, at least publicly
jokers r wi1d (1:44:38 AM): somedays i feel like a giant contradiction
chocomoo2 (1:45:39 AM): That's okay though. I've always thought that sometimes what we say outloud like saying people shouldn't be hypocritical..it's just not possible.
chocomoo2 (1:45:59 AM): Thoughts and feelings and moods change so quickly, how could you not be a hypocrite at some point?
jokers r wi1d (1:46:15 AM): it's not hypocrisy, though
jokers r wi1d (1:46:23 AM): i know i'm hypocritical
chocomoo2 (1:46:25 AM): Well, that was just an example
jokers r wi1d (1:46:29 AM): everyone is, you're right
jokers r wi1d (1:46:46 AM): i feel like the means and measures are stacked in opposition
jokers r wi1d (1:47:22 AM): it's like i have two distinct personalities with two distinct agendas
jokers r wi1d (1:47:39 AM): and only one gets to use my body each day
jokers r wi1d (1:47:52 AM): but i never know who's gonna show up on any particular day
chocomoo2 (1:48:06 AM): Pause for a moment. The above statement is what makes me worry.
chocomoo2 (1:48:37 AM): Do you ever feel like you have a motor running inside of you? Revving you up and what not
jokers r wi1d (1:48:53 AM): i'm not sure i follow
jokers r wi1d (1:49:03 AM): revving me how?
chocomoo2 (1:49:56 AM): I dunno. Like that's what makes you run.
jokers r wi1d (1:50:07 AM): i couldn't tell you
jokers r wi1d (1:50:59 AM): somedays i feel like the man in the desert chasing the mirage
jokers r wi1d (1:51:09 AM): except, i know there is no oasis
jokers r wi1d (1:51:15 AM): but i keep walking anyway
jokers r wi1d (1:51:23 AM): and i hate myself for it
jokers r wi1d (1:51:45 AM): but a alck of alternatives leave me with little choice
jokers r wi1d (1:51:48 AM): *lack
chocomoo2 (1:53:08 AM): Hmm
jokers r wi1d (1:53:41 AM): you know, i were to die, i am quite positive i would be a ghost
jokers r wi1d (1:53:55 AM): i have no sense of purpose, and feel so restless always
jokers r wi1d (1:54:04 AM): i would wander around
jokers r wi1d (1:54:20 AM): and never make it to the next plain
jokers r wi1d (1:54:36 AM): some days i think that's what i'm actually doing now
jokers r wi1d (1:54:51 AM): i feel as if i don't really exist
jokers r wi1d (1:55:33 AM): you're one of the only people who truly cares for me; everyone else just wants to quickly remedy my complaints to return to their lives and their needs
chocomoo2 (1:56:00 AM): Don't you think that you should talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist about these feelings? I mean, based on the little that I know, coupled with depersonalization, the feeling of not existing can be representative of something
jokers r wi1d (1:57:23 AM): yes, no, maybe so
jokers r wi1d (1:57:52 AM): i'm either going to be a wonderful case study for you one day or a monstrous waste of your time
chocomoo2 (1:58:59 AM): You could never be a waste of time
chocomoo2 (1:59:08 AM): That being said, I'm already taking notes. lol
jokers r wi1d (1:59:35 AM): you should tell your prof. about me. an extra credit project
jokers r wi1d (2:01:35 AM): i think i have a brain tumor
jokers r wi1d (2:02:28 AM): the stabbing pains have returned, and worst than ever
jokers r wi1d (2:02:33 AM): and freuwnetly
jokers r wi1d (2:02:37 AM): *frequently
chocomoo2 (2:03:23 AM): What did the doc say when you told him about it?
jokers r wi1d (2:03:39 AM): didn't
jokers r wi1d (2:03:58 AM): or, he said it was probably nothing; haven't been back since they started again
jokers r wi1d (2:04:48 AM): i think i have a growth on ym brain that makes me feel the ways i do
jokers r wi1d (2:05:19 AM): sometimes i think it's going to kill me
jokers r wi1d (2:05:30 AM): and i wonder, wlel if there's nothing there
jokers r wi1d (2:05:37 AM): what is causing my pains?
chocomoo2 (2:05:57 AM): If you really feel that way you need to get it checked again
jokers r wi1d (2:06:11 AM): never got it checked in the first place
chocomoo2 (2:06:57 AM): Why not? Don't mess with head related pains
chocomoo2 (2:07:01 AM): Health center is free
jokers r wi1d (2:08:39 AM): what are you thinking about?
chocomoo2 (2:08:53 AM): Right now?
jokers r wi1d (2:08:59 AM): yes
chocomoo2 (2:09:20 AM): How if you are really concerned about this you would've checked it by now.
jokers r wi1d (2:09:42 AM): i'm not really concerned about it
jokers r wi1d (2:09:58 AM): i'm more concerned with why i'm not concerned about it
jokers r wi1d (2:10:44 AM): the pains are excruciating for just a second, then it's like it never happened
jokers r wi1d (2:10:52 AM): and i forget
jokers r wi1d (2:10:56 AM): until it happens again
chocomoo2 (2:10:57 AM): Like a spasm or something
jokers r wi1d (2:11:01 AM): so i don't car
jokers r wi1d (2:11:01 AM): e
jokers r wi1d (2:11:19 AM): it's like someone is stabbing an ice-pick into my brain
jokers r wi1d (2:11:36 AM): not very pleasant
jokers r wi1d (2:11:41 AM): but then it's gone
chocomoo2 (2:12:45 AM): Well, I kind of understand why you wouldn't get it checked out then
jokers r wi1d (2:14:17 AM): it's more like when i die, they'e going to say it's b/c of x, y, and z. and then you're gonna say "oh, that's why he was the way he was. he always did this and said that." and i'm going to be so pissed off b/c you'll know the answers and i won't.
chocomoo2 (2:14:42 AM): I'll tell you in a seance
jokers r wi1d (2:15:51 AM): and i'll tell you how over-rated the afterlife is
chocomoo2 (2:16:45 AM): lol
chocomoo2 (2:16:53 AM): Too late, you'll be reincarnated
jokers r wi1d (2:17:23 AM): i wonder if a past life has soething to do with the way i am now
jokers r wi1d (2:17:36 AM): i feel pointless some days
jokers r wi1d (2:18:53 AM): it's quite rediculous, too
jokers r wi1d (2:19:06 AM): i'm all logical and open with you right now
jokers r wi1d (2:19:18 AM): and all jocular and merry when we're together
jokers r wi1d (2:19:41 AM): spinning witticisms and mockeries a dozen
jokers r wi1d (2:19:48 AM): and we just laugh
jokers r wi1d (2:20:38 AM): and if you saw me now, you'd see a placid lake; or, at worst, a man who can't produce tears but very much wishes to
chocomoo2 (2:21:48 AM): I remember once when you were like that with me
chocomoo2 (2:22:09 AM): We were watching Seinfeld and you were sitting there, kinda dead
jokers r wi1d (2:23:40 AM): sometimes when we're out and there is a moment of silence, i just wonder what it is that you really think of me
jokers r wi1d (2:24:04 AM): some days i feel very naked and lacking sanity beofre you
jokers r wi1d (2:24:07 AM): *before
chocomoo2 (2:24:19 AM): the only bad thing I think of you is worry
jokers r wi1d (2:25:41 AM): some days when i'm feeling angsty or particularl saucy, i pretend your opinions don't matter and that i'm fine all by myself
jokers r wi1d (2:26:07 AM): i am one for delusions of grandeur, however
jokers r wi1d (2:26:45 AM): i always have been, and i talk a game so big that even i am buying tickets to see my own show
jokers r wi1d (2:27:04 AM): quite absurd
chocomoo2 (2:28:15 AM): You're not absurd
jokers r wi1d (2:29:17 AM): someone once told me that my eyes had a "beautiful saddness" to them
jokers r wi1d (2:29:53 AM): i think that sums up my life for the most part
chocomoo2 (2:30:09 AM): Don't let that sum up your life
chocomoo2 (2:35:11 AM): I wish I could say more, but my sleepiness won't allow it. I love ya Dane. And I do worry about you. I think the key to your happiness is inside you and you just haven't found it yet. Maybe you're looking in the wrong places, I dunno. Maybe I'm full of crap. Quite the possibility. In any sense, I'll be checking in on you until you figure things out and feel like a whole person.
jokers r wi1d (2:35:45 AM): yeah
jokers r wi1d (2:35:57 AM): sound about right
chocomoo2 (2:36:30 AM): Sweet dreams, prince.
jokers r wi1d (2:36:37 AM): and to you, dollface
maybe i'm maturing.
here's a convo.
it's a splice of me.
only one person is going to really read this and care.
as for the feelings, probably null and void.
jokers r wi1d (1:08:41 AM): juststarting the writing
jokers r wi1d (1:08:45 AM): got a better idea
jokers r wi1d (1:08:53 AM): trying to flesh it out
jokers r wi1d (1:09:20 AM): do you think i'll ever be a good writer?
chocomoo2 (1:09:55 AM): Yes, but sometimes I wonder why you want to be a writer
jokers r wi1d (1:10:08 AM): really
jokers r wi1d (1:10:11 AM): why's that?
chocomoo2 (1:10:43 AM): Because sometimes I wonder you're more into the image of being a writer
jokers r wi1d (1:11:11 AM): interesting observation
jokers r wi1d (1:12:03 AM): do i have the "image?"
chocomoo2 (1:12:20 AM): Yeah, most of it. But I think you're still after some more of that
jokers r wi1d (1:12:44 AM): how about talent?
jokers r wi1d (1:12:50 AM): or, potential?
chocomoo2 (1:13:13 AM): I haven't read anything of yours in a while, but I remember thinking that you were good
jokers r wi1d (1:13:28 AM): lmao
jokers r wi1d (1:13:36 AM): what a remarkable answer
chocomoo2 (1:13:33 AM): Is it?
jokers r wi1d (1:13:43 AM): indeed
chocomoo2 (1:13:43 AM): Ah. Just trying to be honest.
jokers r wi1d (1:13:54 AM): i know.
jokers r wi1d (1:14:03 AM): that's why i aksed you and not someone else
jokers r wi1d (1:14:12 AM): i don't fish for complements with you
jokers r wi1d (1:14:20 AM): i do with some others
jokers r wi1d (1:14:35 AM): i beleive if i were a loser you'd tell me so
chocomoo2 (1:15:16 AM): lol, well I mean I think that as a good friend you deserve honesty. But I wouldn't ever say "loser"
jokers r wi1d (1:15:58 AM): true; but as an eqully good friend i believe i would know when yo were politely calling me a loser
chocomoo2 (1:16:16 AM): Hah, you have a point there
jokers r wi1d (1:16:30 AM): you're ight though
jokers r wi1d (1:16:47 AM): i have been chasing a great many things as of late
jokers r wi1d (1:16:53 AM): and haven't been writing much at all
jokers r wi1d (1:16:59 AM): i would like to change that
chocomoo2 (1:17:59 AM): I think that would help you get more centered
jokers r wi1d (1:18:54 AM): indeed
jokers r wi1d (1:19:14 AM): i feel like i've been strangely detatched from everything lately
chocomoo2 (1:20:01 AM): Why do you think that is?
jokers r wi1d (1:20:16 AM): i'm not at all sure
jokers r wi1d (1:20:52 AM): i feel like my consciousness has been walking parallel along side mmy body. and my body as been going through the motions.
chocomoo2 (1:22:14 AM): That's called depersonalization, I think
jokers r wi1d (1:22:28 AM): yes, i believe it is
jokers r wi1d (1:22:46 AM): i haven't so much enjoyed the time i've spent with people lately
jokers r wi1d (1:23:13 AM): and i find myself escaping into trivialities to compensate for the boredom
jokers r wi1d (1:23:28 AM): but nothing creative or intellectual
jokers r wi1d (1:23:45 AM): just hiding in the empty spaces of my brain
jokers r wi1d (1:25:29 AM): i love how focused i am when i speak to you about my general existence and/or well-being
jokers r wi1d (1:25:50 AM): you're like my human journal
chocomoo2 (1:27:14 AM): lol, well I'm glad I can act as a helpful tool. I just think that some of the things you say to me show that you need to talk to someone who can actually help you. I get worried about you.
jokers r wi1d (1:28:36 AM): maybe that's the only reason i open up to you
jokers r wi1d (1:28:46 AM): you worry
chocomoo2 (1:29:52 AM): I really do.
jokers r wi1d (1:30:12 AM): not like a mother
jokers r wi1d (1:30:50 AM): everyone else has a "yes, dear" attitude. they want band-aids
jokers r wi1d (1:31:02 AM): you make me feel like a human being
jokers r wi1d (1:31:19 AM): for whatever that semblance is worth these days
jokers r wi1d (1:32:01 AM): like when matt says he worries about me. he's really thinking about himself. his needs.
chocomoo2 (1:33:51 AM): Well, I genuinely care about you and your well being
jokers r wi1d (1:34:01 AM): i know
jokers r wi1d (1:34:09 AM): that's why i open up to you
jokers r wi1d (1:34:15 AM): even the less desirables
jokers r wi1d (1:34:28 AM): i'll tell you a secret
jokers r wi1d (1:34:39 AM): but it's not worth anything
jokers r wi1d (1:34:47 AM): just something no one gets to see
jokers r wi1d (1:34:54 AM): i have many journals
jokers r wi1d (1:35:03 AM): and i can write pages on my days
jokers r wi1d (1:35:05 AM): stories
jokers r wi1d (1:35:06 AM): poems
jokers r wi1d (1:35:21 AM): and when i'm done, i tear them all out and throw hem away
jokers r wi1d (1:35:34 AM): i couldn't tell you why
chocomoo2 (1:36:04 AM): That's really interesting. No idea why you would do this?
jokers r wi1d (1:36:41 AM): nope
jokers r wi1d (1:37:07 AM): all my journals have the pages ripped out
jokers r wi1d (1:37:23 AM): and half way throgh a journal i discard it and get a new one
chocomoo2 (1:37:53 AM): I used to tear up my poems and stories because I didn't like them. I was embarassed about them and didn't want people to see.
jokers r wi1d (1:38:09 AM): that's a shame
chocomoo2 (1:38:47 AM): I still delete my stories and poems because I don't like them. Now I just don't write anymore
jokers r wi1d (1:39:05 AM): you should write
jokers r wi1d (1:39:08 AM): everyone should
chocomoo2 (1:40:17 AM): Well, I should. You're right. But my point was, I destroyed these things too. Do you think you destroy yours because you're trying to hide them or get rid of them?
jokers r wi1d (1:42:03 AM): no
jokers r wi1d (1:42:09 AM): no one reads my journals
jokers r wi1d (1:42:14 AM): not even me
jokers r wi1d (1:42:23 AM): i rarely revisit them
jokers r wi1d (1:42:48 AM): if someone askes to hear them, i gladly volunteer, though
jokers r wi1d (1:42:52 AM): i like the attention
jokers r wi1d (1:43:32 AM): you know, i'm never happy with the attention i get
jokers r wi1d (1:43:37 AM): i always want more
jokers r wi1d (1:43:57 AM): but i hate receiving praise of any kind, at least publicly
jokers r wi1d (1:44:38 AM): somedays i feel like a giant contradiction
chocomoo2 (1:45:39 AM): That's okay though. I've always thought that sometimes what we say outloud like saying people shouldn't be hypocritical..it's just not possible.
chocomoo2 (1:45:59 AM): Thoughts and feelings and moods change so quickly, how could you not be a hypocrite at some point?
jokers r wi1d (1:46:15 AM): it's not hypocrisy, though
jokers r wi1d (1:46:23 AM): i know i'm hypocritical
chocomoo2 (1:46:25 AM): Well, that was just an example
jokers r wi1d (1:46:29 AM): everyone is, you're right
jokers r wi1d (1:46:46 AM): i feel like the means and measures are stacked in opposition
jokers r wi1d (1:47:22 AM): it's like i have two distinct personalities with two distinct agendas
jokers r wi1d (1:47:39 AM): and only one gets to use my body each day
jokers r wi1d (1:47:52 AM): but i never know who's gonna show up on any particular day
chocomoo2 (1:48:06 AM): Pause for a moment. The above statement is what makes me worry.
chocomoo2 (1:48:37 AM): Do you ever feel like you have a motor running inside of you? Revving you up and what not
jokers r wi1d (1:48:53 AM): i'm not sure i follow
jokers r wi1d (1:49:03 AM): revving me how?
chocomoo2 (1:49:56 AM): I dunno. Like that's what makes you run.
jokers r wi1d (1:50:07 AM): i couldn't tell you
jokers r wi1d (1:50:59 AM): somedays i feel like the man in the desert chasing the mirage
jokers r wi1d (1:51:09 AM): except, i know there is no oasis
jokers r wi1d (1:51:15 AM): but i keep walking anyway
jokers r wi1d (1:51:23 AM): and i hate myself for it
jokers r wi1d (1:51:45 AM): but a alck of alternatives leave me with little choice
jokers r wi1d (1:51:48 AM): *lack
chocomoo2 (1:53:08 AM): Hmm
jokers r wi1d (1:53:41 AM): you know, i were to die, i am quite positive i would be a ghost
jokers r wi1d (1:53:55 AM): i have no sense of purpose, and feel so restless always
jokers r wi1d (1:54:04 AM): i would wander around
jokers r wi1d (1:54:20 AM): and never make it to the next plain
jokers r wi1d (1:54:36 AM): some days i think that's what i'm actually doing now
jokers r wi1d (1:54:51 AM): i feel as if i don't really exist
jokers r wi1d (1:55:33 AM): you're one of the only people who truly cares for me; everyone else just wants to quickly remedy my complaints to return to their lives and their needs
chocomoo2 (1:56:00 AM): Don't you think that you should talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist about these feelings? I mean, based on the little that I know, coupled with depersonalization, the feeling of not existing can be representative of something
jokers r wi1d (1:57:23 AM): yes, no, maybe so
jokers r wi1d (1:57:52 AM): i'm either going to be a wonderful case study for you one day or a monstrous waste of your time
chocomoo2 (1:58:59 AM): You could never be a waste of time
chocomoo2 (1:59:08 AM): That being said, I'm already taking notes. lol
jokers r wi1d (1:59:35 AM): you should tell your prof. about me. an extra credit project
jokers r wi1d (2:01:35 AM): i think i have a brain tumor
jokers r wi1d (2:02:28 AM): the stabbing pains have returned, and worst than ever
jokers r wi1d (2:02:33 AM): and freuwnetly
jokers r wi1d (2:02:37 AM): *frequently
chocomoo2 (2:03:23 AM): What did the doc say when you told him about it?
jokers r wi1d (2:03:39 AM): didn't
jokers r wi1d (2:03:58 AM): or, he said it was probably nothing; haven't been back since they started again
jokers r wi1d (2:04:48 AM): i think i have a growth on ym brain that makes me feel the ways i do
jokers r wi1d (2:05:19 AM): sometimes i think it's going to kill me
jokers r wi1d (2:05:30 AM): and i wonder, wlel if there's nothing there
jokers r wi1d (2:05:37 AM): what is causing my pains?
chocomoo2 (2:05:57 AM): If you really feel that way you need to get it checked again
jokers r wi1d (2:06:11 AM): never got it checked in the first place
chocomoo2 (2:06:57 AM): Why not? Don't mess with head related pains
chocomoo2 (2:07:01 AM): Health center is free
jokers r wi1d (2:08:39 AM): what are you thinking about?
chocomoo2 (2:08:53 AM): Right now?
jokers r wi1d (2:08:59 AM): yes
chocomoo2 (2:09:20 AM): How if you are really concerned about this you would've checked it by now.
jokers r wi1d (2:09:42 AM): i'm not really concerned about it
jokers r wi1d (2:09:58 AM): i'm more concerned with why i'm not concerned about it
jokers r wi1d (2:10:44 AM): the pains are excruciating for just a second, then it's like it never happened
jokers r wi1d (2:10:52 AM): and i forget
jokers r wi1d (2:10:56 AM): until it happens again
chocomoo2 (2:10:57 AM): Like a spasm or something
jokers r wi1d (2:11:01 AM): so i don't car
jokers r wi1d (2:11:01 AM): e
jokers r wi1d (2:11:19 AM): it's like someone is stabbing an ice-pick into my brain
jokers r wi1d (2:11:36 AM): not very pleasant
jokers r wi1d (2:11:41 AM): but then it's gone
chocomoo2 (2:12:45 AM): Well, I kind of understand why you wouldn't get it checked out then
jokers r wi1d (2:14:17 AM): it's more like when i die, they'e going to say it's b/c of x, y, and z. and then you're gonna say "oh, that's why he was the way he was. he always did this and said that." and i'm going to be so pissed off b/c you'll know the answers and i won't.
chocomoo2 (2:14:42 AM): I'll tell you in a seance
jokers r wi1d (2:15:51 AM): and i'll tell you how over-rated the afterlife is
chocomoo2 (2:16:45 AM): lol
chocomoo2 (2:16:53 AM): Too late, you'll be reincarnated
jokers r wi1d (2:17:23 AM): i wonder if a past life has soething to do with the way i am now
jokers r wi1d (2:17:36 AM): i feel pointless some days
jokers r wi1d (2:18:53 AM): it's quite rediculous, too
jokers r wi1d (2:19:06 AM): i'm all logical and open with you right now
jokers r wi1d (2:19:18 AM): and all jocular and merry when we're together
jokers r wi1d (2:19:41 AM): spinning witticisms and mockeries a dozen
jokers r wi1d (2:19:48 AM): and we just laugh
jokers r wi1d (2:20:38 AM): and if you saw me now, you'd see a placid lake; or, at worst, a man who can't produce tears but very much wishes to
chocomoo2 (2:21:48 AM): I remember once when you were like that with me
chocomoo2 (2:22:09 AM): We were watching Seinfeld and you were sitting there, kinda dead
jokers r wi1d (2:23:40 AM): sometimes when we're out and there is a moment of silence, i just wonder what it is that you really think of me
jokers r wi1d (2:24:04 AM): some days i feel very naked and lacking sanity beofre you
jokers r wi1d (2:24:07 AM): *before
chocomoo2 (2:24:19 AM): the only bad thing I think of you is worry
jokers r wi1d (2:25:41 AM): some days when i'm feeling angsty or particularl saucy, i pretend your opinions don't matter and that i'm fine all by myself
jokers r wi1d (2:26:07 AM): i am one for delusions of grandeur, however
jokers r wi1d (2:26:45 AM): i always have been, and i talk a game so big that even i am buying tickets to see my own show
jokers r wi1d (2:27:04 AM): quite absurd
chocomoo2 (2:28:15 AM): You're not absurd
jokers r wi1d (2:29:17 AM): someone once told me that my eyes had a "beautiful saddness" to them
jokers r wi1d (2:29:53 AM): i think that sums up my life for the most part
chocomoo2 (2:30:09 AM): Don't let that sum up your life
chocomoo2 (2:35:11 AM): I wish I could say more, but my sleepiness won't allow it. I love ya Dane. And I do worry about you. I think the key to your happiness is inside you and you just haven't found it yet. Maybe you're looking in the wrong places, I dunno. Maybe I'm full of crap. Quite the possibility. In any sense, I'll be checking in on you until you figure things out and feel like a whole person.
jokers r wi1d (2:35:45 AM): yeah
jokers r wi1d (2:35:57 AM): sound about right
chocomoo2 (2:36:30 AM): Sweet dreams, prince.
jokers r wi1d (2:36:37 AM): and to you, dollface