"Let's get fucked up and die."
What the fuck have I done with my life?
I fucked up on what could have been the best four years of my life, and now I go to a fucking COMMUNITY college with absolute idiots, I'm a slave to retail, I owe thousands of dollars for schooling I never let myself recieve, I see everyone else having the fun I once did, and yet still making it through with good grades and degrees... I see myself destroyed.
I think in the back of my head that I can fix what I did and make it better. I can't. Sure, I can pay my bills, take what schooling I can, SETTLE for a job that I don't really want... But I can't go back in time and kick my own ass into gear. I can't go back to the beginning and GONE to my classes and DO the work. I can't let myself spend all my energy toward school work rather than finding a guy and drinking. It was so easy. My first month or two I went to class were so easy. I could have breezed through it. But I squandered it. In six months I completely and utterly threw my life away.
I can never again be what I once was. That person disappeared in the dorms and hallways of UIC. I have thrown it all away, and I can never have it back again. I think about what I did, and it's beginning to destroy me inside as well as out. Whenever I'm left on my own to think, all I think about is what I've lost.
I just keep wishing for that magic lamp so I can wish myself back to the fall of 2003, when I still had the chance to shine, to before I fell.
And now I'm nothing.
********
I fucked up on what could have been the best four years of my life, and now I go to a fucking COMMUNITY college with absolute idiots, I'm a slave to retail, I owe thousands of dollars for schooling I never let myself recieve, I see everyone else having the fun I once did, and yet still making it through with good grades and degrees... I see myself destroyed.
I think in the back of my head that I can fix what I did and make it better. I can't. Sure, I can pay my bills, take what schooling I can, SETTLE for a job that I don't really want... But I can't go back in time and kick my own ass into gear. I can't go back to the beginning and GONE to my classes and DO the work. I can't let myself spend all my energy toward school work rather than finding a guy and drinking. It was so easy. My first month or two I went to class were so easy. I could have breezed through it. But I squandered it. In six months I completely and utterly threw my life away.
I can never again be what I once was. That person disappeared in the dorms and hallways of UIC. I have thrown it all away, and I can never have it back again. I think about what I did, and it's beginning to destroy me inside as well as out. Whenever I'm left on my own to think, all I think about is what I've lost.
I just keep wishing for that magic lamp so I can wish myself back to the fall of 2003, when I still had the chance to shine, to before I fell.
And now I'm nothing.
********