And if your heart should melt away

[bucky_cap]

Who: Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes
When: 3 AM Saturday
Where: Suite 8 common room
Summary: Another sleepless night for two old soldiers.
Rating: PG-13 for safety
Warnings: Possible talk of terrible Saw week things, grown men being heartbreakingly sad.

Comments

[bucky_cap]

"You're not disappointing anyone, Steve," Bucky murmurs against his hair. "It's hard to accept, but we can't... We can't do everything here." But at least no one expects them to. Captain America, here, only means what they make it mean to people; here, there isn't an entire nation of people who know the name and the symbol and form their own ideas of what it should mean. It's only a small consolation, though. When Steve says he's half as useful, Bucky shifts and hops over the back of the couch to sit beside him, finally moving to catch his gaze. His expression is a pained mixture of desperation and care and sadness. "Don't. Say that. It isn't true. Things are... different, but they won't be for long."

He swallows hard at that next statement. How could Steve ever think he wouldn't want that? "Of course. Of course I do. Being assigned as your partner during the war, that's the best thing that's ever happened to me." Bucky leans his forehead against Steve's shoulder, finally, warm right hand moving to rest over Steve's right. He knows they can both feel this. "Things'll get better. Tsunade knows what she's doing."

[rogersthat]

It's hard for Steve to realize that no one expects them to always be there to help. He had spent so much time knowing he'd be scrutinized or praised for every small thing he did, that it just didn't occur to him that it was different here. Maybe he needs to be reminded about that. Steve glances away. His face is slightly red and there's dry tear stains on his face. He doesn't want to look weak to Bucky. "I don't know how long it'll take for me to get better with my right."

"I was worried." He was sure Bucky would return. But that didn't make him worry why the other disappeared at first. He entwines their fingers lightly "I trust her abilities. People do remarkable things here."

[bucky_cap]

Steve could never look weak to Bucky. The redness and dry tear tracks just break his heart a little more. He hates to see his partner like this, it makes him ache inside, but he has to push that down. Steve will feel worse if he knows how bad Bucky feels about this. "You take however long you need. You know I'm here to help you."

He leans forward a little, rests his forehead against Steve's gently. Their fingers twine, and he gives his partner's hand a squeeze. "I was ashamed." That's all the explanation he offers for the reason he left the room for the week. It's hard to put his reasoning into words, and he doesn't want to think about the fact that he didn't even remember heading to Timothy's room. "Yeah, they do. Your hand will get better in time."

[rogersthat]

"I don't think there really is that much time to take however long I need." And Steve was too much of a busybody to just sit around and get better. He rather be in action.

"I don't understand why you are. There were so many factors and different scenarios that could have happened back then. I could tell them to you and tell you why it isn't something to be asham-" Ah. The forehead bumping surprised him a bit. He knew it wouldn't be worth bringing up though. "I can feel just a little more from before. It's slowly happening." Just painstakingly slow.

[bucky_cap]

"I'll make the time for you. I'll do whatever it is you need me to to make recovering easier." He means it. He really does. He knows it'll be hard for Steve to sit back and do nothing, but that isn't even necessarily what he wants. Bucky just wants him to not strain his hand, to take re-learning things slowly, to let Tsunade work her magic until he (hopefully) regains full use of the hand.

"I just feel like this was my fault. Don't worry about it, though, I'll get over that." Foreheads pressed together like this, Bucky manages a small smile at the news. "That's good. Slow is better than nothing." He stays like that for a few minutes before he pulls away a little, to settle at Steve's side.

[rogersthat]

"You know I don't need that much to be satisfied. If I'm lucky though, the serum might help accelerate the healing itself. I don't know how the collars play into this, but I still recover at a faster rate then others." Of course this just translates to Steve getting better faster so he can go and get hurt all over again.

"I don't think we can blame ourselves or each other for what transpired. We are in a torture facility." He's fumbling with his words a bit. Maybe he isn't all too used to such close and intimate contact anymore. "Weren't you sleeping?"

[bucky_cap]

"Says you. You also happen to be one of the two most stubborn men Uncle Sam ever employed," Bucky remarks pointedly, then shakes his head and sighs, leaning lightly against his side. "Here's hoping. The serum is pretty amazing stuff." Hopefully it's as amazing as everyone makes it out to be. At this point, Bucky would give just about anything to give Steve his drawing hand back.

"...I guess so. It still doesn't sit right." It never will, what he did. But he'll push it down just like he pushed down all those lives taken by his hands against his will. But at the question, he glances over again, quirking an eyebrow slightly. "Couldn't sleep." Nightmares again.

[rogersthat]

"You had to be a little stubborn in those times." Except Steve is almost unmovable once he's set on a goal. "I'm thankful for it." Even if his life is tiresome at best because of it.

"Oh. I'm...I'm sorry I can't help with that this time." He sounds so sad as he says it. And guilty because he would love to make the other feel better if he could.

[bucky_cap]

"We all did. And we still are stubborn." Stubborn old soldiers, that's the two of them. He only hums his agreement about being thankful for the serum; sometimes he imagines it's more of a burden than a blessing, but some aspects of it were always a plus - like the improved healing. It helps Bucky think that maybe, hopefully, one day, Steve will be alright again.

He shakes his head slightly, giving Steve a very light punch in his good arm. "Don't apologize. Ain't your fault. It's not your job to help me sleep." A pause, and he glances over at him, expression softened a little. "I guess you couldn't sleep either."

[rogersthat]

Steve doesn't really complain or think much of it. It's just part of his life at this point. The weight. The expectations. He hasn't caved in from it yet. He doesn't think he'll ever let it.

"I know it isn't. But I'd be happy to know you're getting some." He looks away. "I haven't been sleeping well since the trip. It isn't a big deal."

[bucky_cap]

At least until it gets to be too much and he lets Bucky have the mantle of Captain America instead of taking it back for himself. Neither of them ever wanted it, somehow here they both ended up with it. Ironic.

"It's alright. I don't ever sleep very well, honestly." Nightmares are something he's used to, even from before he ended up here. "...I'm sorry. Anything I can do?"

[rogersthat]

Ironic indeed.

"I usually sleep decently enough to function." Which isn't saying much since he can function well with or without sleep. "I don't know. I suppose I wasn't sure what I was going to do but sit here." And you know, cry to himself.

[bucky_cap]

"You know I know that doesn't mean much," Bucky says quietly. He knows Steve better than anyone, which means he knows the effects of the serum pretty well by now. "...You don't have to do it alone." He slides his arm over Steve's shoulders to keep his best friend close, and glances down at their hands.

Steve has done so much for him. All he wants to do is try to give back, try to make it up to him for everything he's done to his best friend... He's not even really thinking about it when he starts to hum a quiet song, a Russian tune he remembers from the ballet in Moscow in the 50s. It worked with Dick once, maybe...

[rogersthat]

"I sleep enough." At least enough in his own terms. His sleeping habits aren't that bad when things are okay. "I didn't want to bother you. You seemed quite tired." And maybe he didn't want to give him more trouble.

He's leaning against Bucky lightly, not saying anything as he listens to him quietly. It's nice, despite everything going around them. The fact they're both up at a disgusting hour in the morning. It's still kind of nice.

[bucky_cap]

"No you don't." Not by normal people terms, anyway, not with all the stress and the awful things happening. "You never bother me. I get enough sleep."

Bucky just continues to hum quietly, letting his eyes slip closed as he leans back against Steve. It is kind of nice, a moment of peace in the heart of a storm. Now if only the other would fall asleep, because Bucky has no intention to do so until Steve is getting some rest.

[rogersthat]

"You can't say that. I don't get exhausted that often from lack of sleep." He sighs softly. "You seem so tired as of late. I don't know."

Steve is quiet, although he might have shifted a bit to get more comfortable. He presses his cheek against Bucky's shoulder, almost in an affectionate manner. He really should get sleep somehow.