And if your heart should melt away

[bucky_cap]

Who: Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes
When: 3 AM Saturday
Where: Suite 8 common room
Summary: Another sleepless night for two old soldiers.
Rating: PG-13 for safety
Warnings: Possible talk of terrible Saw week things, grown men being heartbreakingly sad.

Comments

[bucky_cap]

Bucky pauses in the doorway to their room, staring out into the common room. He expected Steve to be there, of course, but it's still a minor relief when he sees that he really is. But that relief is quickly washed away as he takes in the man's posture, his body language, the pencil and paper in his lap. Bucky has never seen his partner cry before, and he isn't so loud as to make it obvious, but somehow, somehow he knows, and it makes his heart ache. The pain is worse than any physical pain he's ever endured.

He wishes he could have died in that room instead of take Steve's dexterity. It would have been worth it.

Though others have lost so much more, Steve losing his ability to draw like he once had just seems so painfully cruel to Bucky, in a way it wouldn't to anyone else. They don't know about the nights spent quiet in their tent, Steve sketching away and Bucky listening, or watching as they just talked, moments snatched for themselves during a time of war. They don't know how much happiness art brings Steve.

They don't know, but Bucky does, and he can't let him suffer alone. He pads quietly across the common room, behind the couch, and slips his arms around his partner's shoulders, leaning forward to rest the side of his head against Steve's. It's a tender gesture, a silent offer of support. Another apology.

[rogersthat]

Steve immediately stiffens on contact. He knows that Bucky would be the only one up at this time and would be forward enough to give him such intimate contact. It's also why he stiffened up. Steve knew the other could read body language well. It would be dumb to assume that Bucky had no idea that he was in this state.

And he's ashamed of it. Because he knows Bucky must feel terrible about this all. And he doesn't want him to. Steve doesn't regret the choices that were made. He very much rather have Bucky alive then gone again. He just knew that the amount of stress had gotten the better of him.

"...You couldn't sleep?" His voice is calm. Leveled. He's already pulling himself up again. Steve was going to shrug off the fact that he was upset enough to shed tears. That he knew very well this wasn't the time to be playing strong.

But for Bucky, he just had to be. He wasn't even sure why at this point.

[bucky_cap]

Steve's personal space is the only personal space Bucky Barnes ever feels he can invade like this; after all, they've known each other for years. They've fought together, shared close spaces together. They even spent their leave time together, because who else was there? So of course he knows Steve is crying, just like he knows the other will try to push it down and pretend he's fine.

"No," he replies quietly, not moving just yet from where he stands, draped against Steve almost protectively, as if he wants to shield him from the world. Though they've always called themselves partners, equals, Steve is (usually) the older one, the wiser one, the more mature. He's always been the leader, the protector. Bucky only wishes the man would let him be there for him for a change.

"Don't try to pretend everything's fine. I know you better."

[rogersthat]

Steve hasn't looked at him. He's staring down at the sad attempt of a drawing. He doesn't know how to respond to that. He could push that he's okay, but he knew better. Bucky knew better. It would just be wasted effort at this point to try and prove he's alright. Bucky would only need to take a good look at his face to clear any doubt or suspicion.

"I...It's not as bad as it seems." That was a stupid thing to say Steve. You don't even know what you mean by that. "I just..." He let stress finally get the better of him? That probably isn't something he should say. "...I'm sorry." He's sorry for what? Not being strong enough to deal with this? Sorry for making this difficult for Bucky maybe.

[bucky_cap]

There's never much use lying to each other, not these two. They always know better. And with the way Steve stares down at that sad drawing, Bucky knows. He knows, and it breaks his heart, but it frustrates him that Steve won't just let himself hurt for a little while. He slides his left hand over, down his arm, to gently twine steel fingers with nerve-damaged ones. It's a significant gesture, though Bucky does it without thinking: his way of saying 'we're partners', 'we're the same', 'I will help you through this'. He doesn't force Steve to look at him yet, just leans against him over the back of the couch, cheek pressed against blond hair, flesh arm around his shoulders and steel fingers resting over his partner's hand.

"Don't apologize," he murmurs. "You don't have to. Not with me." It's almost a plea, and his tone of voice says everything he won't. Stop trying to be strong when it's just us. Let me be here for you.

Soldiers don't cry, men don't cry, that's what they both grew up learning. But behind closed doors, when it's just them, surely it's okay. After all, they're closer than brothers.

[rogersthat]

He glances down at the linked hands. He won't tell Bucky he can barely feel it, because he knows better. But the gesture itself is welcoming. Even if he can't move his fingers to return it. He just leans back against the other a bit, returning the sentiment in anyway possible.

"Bucky..." There's hesitation in his voice. It's so very rare for Steve to hesitate like that. "It's been a bad few weeks I suppose. I shouldn't be this upset." It wasn't probably just this that really got to him, but an accumulation of everything. It's not very often Steve gets like this and losing his ability to use his dominant hand was probably what finally made it too hard to deal with.

"I...things will get better right?"

[bucky_cap]

Bucky truthfully isn't sure if Steve can feel his hand or not, but... Well. He can't feel Steve's either, not with the left like this. The pressure sensors tell him his hand is there, transmits the shape of it to his brain, but he can't feel the texture of his skin, or the warmth of him. He can't feel the finer details like the lines of his palms and the ridges of his knuckles, the callouses on his fingers. It isn't fair.

He leans a little closer to Steve, and the flesh arm wraps around him a little tighter. Bucky exhales quietly and closes his eyes, cheek still pressed against his hair. "It has been. You... You don't have to be strong all the time. That's what partners are for. We're still partners, aren't we?" It's a quiet, almost childish question, one that makes him sound younger than he is. Deep down, some part of him is still afraid Steve will cast him out.

"...They have to. I don't see how things can get much worse."

[rogersthat]

"I. I don't want to disappoint anyone here. There's just so much going on. People dying and getting hurt. Being terminated. If I can even relieve any of that, I'd feel like it's a small step forward. I can't...I'm half as useful as I was before now." And what good of a soldier is he if he can't do anything to help anymore? "We're still partners. If...if you'd still like to be my partner." How ironic that he thinks Bucky would rather cast him out now. And maybe he was a little scared that's why Bucky left before.

"Things will get better. That's always the case."

[bucky_cap]

"You're not disappointing anyone, Steve," Bucky murmurs against his hair. "It's hard to accept, but we can't... We can't do everything here." But at least no one expects them to. Captain America, here, only means what they make it mean to people; here, there isn't an entire nation of people who know the name and the symbol and form their own ideas of what it should mean. It's only a small consolation, though. When Steve says he's half as useful, Bucky shifts and hops over the back of the couch to sit beside him, finally moving to catch his gaze. His expression is a pained mixture of desperation and care and sadness. "Don't. Say that. It isn't true. Things are... different, but they won't be for long."

He swallows hard at that next statement. How could Steve ever think he wouldn't want that? "Of course. Of course I do. Being assigned as your partner during the war, that's the best thing that's ever happened to me." Bucky leans his forehead against Steve's shoulder, finally, warm right hand moving to rest over Steve's right. He knows they can both feel this. "Things'll get better. Tsunade knows what she's doing."

[rogersthat]

It's hard for Steve to realize that no one expects them to always be there to help. He had spent so much time knowing he'd be scrutinized or praised for every small thing he did, that it just didn't occur to him that it was different here. Maybe he needs to be reminded about that. Steve glances away. His face is slightly red and there's dry tear stains on his face. He doesn't want to look weak to Bucky. "I don't know how long it'll take for me to get better with my right."

"I was worried." He was sure Bucky would return. But that didn't make him worry why the other disappeared at first. He entwines their fingers lightly "I trust her abilities. People do remarkable things here."

[bucky_cap]

Steve could never look weak to Bucky. The redness and dry tear tracks just break his heart a little more. He hates to see his partner like this, it makes him ache inside, but he has to push that down. Steve will feel worse if he knows how bad Bucky feels about this. "You take however long you need. You know I'm here to help you."

He leans forward a little, rests his forehead against Steve's gently. Their fingers twine, and he gives his partner's hand a squeeze. "I was ashamed." That's all the explanation he offers for the reason he left the room for the week. It's hard to put his reasoning into words, and he doesn't want to think about the fact that he didn't even remember heading to Timothy's room. "Yeah, they do. Your hand will get better in time."

[rogersthat]

"I don't think there really is that much time to take however long I need." And Steve was too much of a busybody to just sit around and get better. He rather be in action.

"I don't understand why you are. There were so many factors and different scenarios that could have happened back then. I could tell them to you and tell you why it isn't something to be asham-" Ah. The forehead bumping surprised him a bit. He knew it wouldn't be worth bringing up though. "I can feel just a little more from before. It's slowly happening." Just painstakingly slow.

[bucky_cap]

"I'll make the time for you. I'll do whatever it is you need me to to make recovering easier." He means it. He really does. He knows it'll be hard for Steve to sit back and do nothing, but that isn't even necessarily what he wants. Bucky just wants him to not strain his hand, to take re-learning things slowly, to let Tsunade work her magic until he (hopefully) regains full use of the hand.

"I just feel like this was my fault. Don't worry about it, though, I'll get over that." Foreheads pressed together like this, Bucky manages a small smile at the news. "That's good. Slow is better than nothing." He stays like that for a few minutes before he pulls away a little, to settle at Steve's side.

[rogersthat]

"You know I don't need that much to be satisfied. If I'm lucky though, the serum might help accelerate the healing itself. I don't know how the collars play into this, but I still recover at a faster rate then others." Of course this just translates to Steve getting better faster so he can go and get hurt all over again.

"I don't think we can blame ourselves or each other for what transpired. We are in a torture facility." He's fumbling with his words a bit. Maybe he isn't all too used to such close and intimate contact anymore. "Weren't you sleeping?"

[bucky_cap]

"Says you. You also happen to be one of the two most stubborn men Uncle Sam ever employed," Bucky remarks pointedly, then shakes his head and sighs, leaning lightly against his side. "Here's hoping. The serum is pretty amazing stuff." Hopefully it's as amazing as everyone makes it out to be. At this point, Bucky would give just about anything to give Steve his drawing hand back.

"...I guess so. It still doesn't sit right." It never will, what he did. But he'll push it down just like he pushed down all those lives taken by his hands against his will. But at the question, he glances over again, quirking an eyebrow slightly. "Couldn't sleep." Nightmares again.

[rogersthat]

"You had to be a little stubborn in those times." Except Steve is almost unmovable once he's set on a goal. "I'm thankful for it." Even if his life is tiresome at best because of it.

"Oh. I'm...I'm sorry I can't help with that this time." He sounds so sad as he says it. And guilty because he would love to make the other feel better if he could.