(no subject)
Same days its hard.
some days i dont want this anymore.
I have a choice, I made the one i wanted.
didnt i?
It only gets hard when i miss you.
i pretend you dont matter, i pretend i dont miss you.
I am lying, i think. I only miss you when i get lonely,
when i feel i am failing. its not right.
Then theres days you disguist me.
really you do, the thought of you makes me sick,
your smell, your voice, then i remember the taste you leave in my mouth,
i start to hate you. those are the days i seem the happiest.
when my day is perfect and i love the choices ive made and where i am.
college is stressful, when something goes wrong, i want to run to you,
your simply minded and makes things easier.
Im too smart, too complicated for you.
I deserve this. I want this.
do i?
im trying to be done with doubt.
transitions are hard.
im getting settled in.
im starting to love this and want it more everyday.
no goodbyes the way i had them planned in my head a year ago, six months ago.
not what i expected, but just good bye, like i was leaving for vacation and i'd be back in a few days.
dont you realize, this is goodbye, as in i am growing up.
Im out of here, not coming back.
I never realized i could be happy without you, know that i can is the best feeling ive ever had.
i just miss you. the old you.
& it kills that you pretend to be happy, now you know how it feels.
i dont even hope you change anymore, im too tired to help.
too tired of bullshit to even smile at you.
i am in love with my future and the way i live day to day without you.
i am strong, i am on my own, i dont need you like i did.
i wish i would have realized that a year ago, then maybe i wouldnt have put myself through hell.
but crazy enough, i dont regret it.
sometimes i think i wouldnt be here if the events of this year didnt shape me.