Love's austere and lonely offices.
MY WIFE HAS LOST THE FIRE OF HER SPIRIT AND I AM TO BLAME.
HER PRESENT FRIENDS DO NOT UNDERSTAND HER AT ALL. THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN WE FIRST MET, SHE WAS AS COLD AND SHUTTERED AS A HOUSE BURIED UNDER SNOW. SHE SPOKE ICILY, CRUELLY, AND SEEMED TO HAVE NO CARE FOR ANYTHING. I NATURALLY HATED HER INSTANTLY.
BUT THAT WAS UNTIL I REALIZED THAT SHE WAS NOT WINTER ITSELF BUT RATHER ITS PRISONER. THE FROST IN HER MOUTH WAS SOMETHING THAT HAD ACCUMULATED OVER TIME AND TAKEN SOLID SHAPE. HARDSHIP HAD CREATED THIS SHELL, A SHELL THAT I QUITE LITERALLY MELTED. AVALI IS NOT A CALCULATING, EMOTIONLESS SOUL; RATHER, SHE CARES SO MUCH AND HURTS SO MUCH THAT AT TIMES IT BECOMES DIFFICULT TO BEAR. WHEN I AM HURT I BECOME ANGRY, SPITEFUL; WHEN AVALI IS HURT, SHE SEEKS TO FEEL NOTHING AT ALL. BECAUSE WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FEEL EXCEPT TO LEAVE THAT DOOR OPEN FOR TRESPASS? LEAVING YOUR HEART UNLOCKED MEANS THAT ANY ILL-TEMPERED ROBBER CAN COME INSIDE AND WRECK THE PLACE. AND, INDEED, I FEEL THAT THE PEOPLE WITH WHOM SHE LATELY ASSOCIATED HAVE DONE JUST THAT. SHE OFFERED THEM EVERYTHING, INCLUDING THE MOST VALUABLE GIFT OF ALL--FORGIVENESS. AND WHAT HAVE THEY OFFERED IN RETURN? NOTHING BUT SPITE, HATRED AND DISRESPECT. THEY TORTURED HER AND SHE FORGAVE THEM. NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, NO MATTER WHAT THEIR IDIOT, PUDDING-SPINED LEADER INSISTS UPON OR THINKS--I HEARD THE FIRST-HAND ACCOUNT IN THE IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH AND IT WAS FUCKING TORTURE. THEY MADE HER SUFFER FOR NO REASON--FOR ACTIONS COMMITTED BY HALF THE ELVES IN THE CITY INCLUDING THEY THEMSELVES-- AND SHE FORGAVE THEM--THAT IS WHY SHE DOWNPLAYS THE ACCOUNT NOW. DESPICABLE FUCKING THUGS (THOUGH I THINK THE STUPID BITCH WHO MARRIED THE LEADER IS EVEN WORSE, AS THERE IS HARDLY ANYTHING MORE UNPLEASANT TO SEE THAN WILLFUL IGNORANCE). SHE WAS PREPARED TO CONSUME HERSELF IN THE SERVICE OF THEIR WELFARE AND THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT SPIT ON HER AND THEN TURN AROUND TO DENY IT AS THEY WIPED THEIR FUCKING MOUTHS.
THAT IS, AS I HAVE WRITTEN BEFORE, NOT SOMETHING I COULD ALLOW. I COULD HAVE TOLD HER SIMPLY THAT SHE WAS NOT LIKE ME, THAT SHE DID NOT HAVE THE SPIRITUAL WHEREWITHAL TO THROW HERSELF ON A PYRE FOR THE UNGRATEFUL MASSES. BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE. EVERYONE HAS THE ABILITY TO MAKE THAT KIND OF SACRIFICE, TO MAKE THE CHOICE THAT COSTS YOU EVERYTHING BUT PROTECTS SOMEONE ELSE. IT IS INDEED ONE OF THE MOST COMMENDABLE FEATURES OF THE SENTIENT SPIRIT. BUT THE TERRIBLE TRUTH I HAD TO TELL HER, THAT I DID NOT WANT TO TELL HER, WAS THIS:
EVEN IF YOU DO THAT, EVEN IF YOU RELINQUISH EVERY PART OF YOU IN THE HOPE THAT SOMEONE YOU CARE FOR CAN FIND REDEMPTION ...
THAT SOMEONE MAY NEVER BE REDEEMED REGARDLESS.
I WILL NOT SAY, THINKING BACK, THAT NOT EVERYONE IS CAPABLE OF CHANGE. ALL ARE CAPABLE. BUT, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND: NOT ALL ARE WILLING. AND THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH A PERSON CAN DO TO ENGENDER THAT WILLINGNESS. IT IS NOT THAT ANY EFFORT IN THIS REGARD IS A WASTE OF TIME: THE SAVING OF A PERSON'S SOUL IS THE MOST HOLY AND SACRED OF ACTS. BUT NOT EVERY SOUL WISHES TO BE SAVED AND THAT IS SOMETHING WE MUST SOMETIMES ACCEPT. IT IS HARD, AND IT TEARS US DOWN, BUT THERE IS NOTHING TO BE DONE ABOUT IT.
I HAD TO TELL AVALI THAT I MYSELF HAVE LET GO OF CERTAIN SOULS, BECAUSE I KNEW THAT I WAS NOT THE RIGHT CATALYST FOR THEM. I COULD NOT BE THE AGENT OF CHANGE THEY REQUIRED, AND IN SOME CASES, I DO NOT THINK ANYONE COULD. I AM GRATEFUL EVERY DAY THAT VEHIRON FOUND EULALIA, WHO KEEPS HIM SAFE AND CALM IN A WAY THAT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE--INCLUDING ME.
HEARING THIS TRUTH--PERHAPS ESPECIALLY AFTER ENDURING SUCH HARSH REPRIMAND FROM HER FRIENDS--WAS TOO MUCH FOR AVALI. SHE WITHDREW. SHE LOCKED HER HEART. THE FIRE QUENCHED ITSELF.
I KNOW THAT SHE IS STILL IN THERE AND THAT HER LOVE IS AS FIERCE AS EVER. BUT IT IS PRESENTLY TEMPERED BY FEAR, WHICH NO ONE BUT SHE CAN DISPEL. I WILL DO WHAT I CAN. I LOVE HER, AFTER ALL.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH: THE NEXT PERSON WHO PHYSICALLY GRABS HER AND SHOUTS AT HER IS GOING TO FIND HIM OR HERSELF
TRANSFORMED INTO A GODDAMN SHEEP
AND LEFT TO GRAZE
IN THE GODDAMN DESERT.