ramblings

Mar 14, 2015 17:18

Being in a successful relationship doesn't mean you get everything your way. It doesn't mean that everything is about you and your happiness. It's about compromise and respect, and understanding that it *isn't* all about you. This time around, I'm learning what it means to be respected and to respect. I guess going into this relationship I already knew that's what it would take, but I didn't know what it felt like.
We talk. We talk about everything. There aren't secrets. There aren't hidden feelings or suppressed emotions. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes bringing up a topic is awkward for me, especially since I know sometimes he's totally oblivious to things, and other times I'm just being too sensitive. But I always feel better after we've talked. Because once we start talking the worry, the hurt, whatever it is, is out there. And it's no longer mine, it's ours, and we make it better and it goes away.
He doesn't bring me flowers. He's never given me a piece of jewelry, or an ornament to sit around on the bookshelf and collect dust. He's given me snow boots. And a travel bag. He's taken me out on the Big Lake for the first time in my life, and taken me on more boat rides in one summer than I've been on in my entire life. He's practical. Not overly romantic. But he makes me feel more loved than anything else in the world. He txts me almost every day, whether we have the chance to see each other or not. I am "mommy" to his dog. Sometimes we're like an old married couple. It's a wonderful feeling.
Sometimes I still feel completely unworthy of him. I don't understand how someone so wonderful could love me, someone so... not wonderful. But in the almost two years we've been dating I've learned that it's not about being worthy, but about being worth-something to each other.

In less philosophical murmurings: I have lost 17 pounds since January 4th. I still have a long way to go before I'm back to where I want to be. But at least, for once, it doesn't seem hopeless.

And when people tell me I should maybe find someone closer to my own age, and when guys my own age pay attention to me now I just think, "He loved me when I was heavy. He loved me when I was 185 and he loves me still, despite what I've gained. He encourages me and my goals. But I am beautiful to him now as I was then. Where were the guys "my age" when I was heavier?" And that's one of the most wonderful things about him. He loves me for who I am. Not for how I look or what I wear or what I weigh, but for me.

life, love, growth

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