no one ever said it was easy
yesterday i went to the mall with eileen. i got the new donnas cd, which is rather disappointing. we saw The Grudge. I sat there with my sweat shirt over my head for basically the entire movie. this is why i don't go see scary movies. ever. i came home and got upset. no details. the end.
today i went to eileens to do her hair for a wedding. it came out pretty. i was supposed to go the play tonight, but everyone bailed on me. i'm going tomorrow night with courtney and ashley, and then ash will hopefully sleep over assuming my parents aren't being stupid. which may very well be the case after events of tonight. i have detention tomorrow at 8. this makes me mad. i was late to homeroom 3 times. oh no, call in the national guard. seriously, get over it. don't give me detention for cutting class or anything, just give it to me for being late to homeroom. Good job, Mr. Cahill.
Anyway. My mother accidentally discovered shit a few hours ago. She tried to get me to talk about things and I was in the process of telling her that I'm done talking about anything ot anyone when my dad over heard bits of the conversation and decided to comment, thus provoking me to lay his shit out. he left. i'm glad. i'd much rather be the one to leave though. THe difference is I wouldn't come back.
Funny how after years of not taking me seriously, they're all ears now. But it's too late. I have nothing to say. To anyone. I'm done talking about my feelings or being sad or depressed. I'm done being consumed by it. I don't want to talk. I want to be angry. I am good at being angry. Being angry means being safe. It's the only emotion that one can safely be consumed by. When you're angry and bitter no one can touch you. No one can hurt you. Anythign anyone does just fuels the fire and makes you angrier. I like it that way.
Don't get me wrong, I won't pretend that I don't wish it was different. I get cingy to certain people now and then. Sometimes I want to be talked to about things. Sometimes I want to be held. Sometimes I want to hear the words "I love you" more than anything in the world. Everyone wants to feel needed, wanted, and loved. There are times that the only thing I want to be able to do is be with someone and be able to show them everything there is about me and know that they love me, and feel safe, and be ok. But there isn't anyone.
My dad is crying. I made him. I don't hate him. I realyl don't. My mother says it scares her how vengeful I sound when I speak. Just in general. Isn't it sick that that makes me happy? I like being this way. And I'm sorry that I'm hurting my dad, honestly I am, but he didn't care when he was doing it to me. So basically my only attitude is "Oh, well that sucks for you. Deal with it.". I wish I could be close with my dad. Really I do. I get so jealous of some of my friends. They can just curl up in their dad's laps and talk to them about anything and everything. No one yells or makes nasty remarks. No one tells you how to feel or that you're wrong. THey just tell their dad's everything. Even about boys. Ha. You mention anything about a boy in this house and yelling and screaming goes on for hours. I wish my dad was a person that I could talk to and feel loved and safe with. But he isn't. I wish I was daddy's little girl. But I'm not... I never will be. And I can't talk to my mom about anything anymore. I don't trust her anymore. And if she knew how i felt or the things I do she'd be too hurt. And some things in this family are just never to be spoken about. The end.
The only person I even feel like talking to, feel that I can tell all my secrets to, the person who I just wish could hold me when I'm scared and alone and I know I'd feel safe with, is the person that I am so unbelievably far from safe with. It's the person that just hurts me just as much as all the rest.
I wish that I had someone stable in my life. I wish I had a sure thing. I wish I wasn't alone.
But wishes don't come true. And I just have to deal with the way things are and be careful with everything else. And if that means becoming a cold, hard, isolated, bitter and angry person; then that's just the price I pay for being safe.
(Funny thing is, now is one of those times I wish I had someone. but shh. I didn't say that.)
The End.
today i went to eileens to do her hair for a wedding. it came out pretty. i was supposed to go the play tonight, but everyone bailed on me. i'm going tomorrow night with courtney and ashley, and then ash will hopefully sleep over assuming my parents aren't being stupid. which may very well be the case after events of tonight. i have detention tomorrow at 8. this makes me mad. i was late to homeroom 3 times. oh no, call in the national guard. seriously, get over it. don't give me detention for cutting class or anything, just give it to me for being late to homeroom. Good job, Mr. Cahill.
Anyway. My mother accidentally discovered shit a few hours ago. She tried to get me to talk about things and I was in the process of telling her that I'm done talking about anything ot anyone when my dad over heard bits of the conversation and decided to comment, thus provoking me to lay his shit out. he left. i'm glad. i'd much rather be the one to leave though. THe difference is I wouldn't come back.
Funny how after years of not taking me seriously, they're all ears now. But it's too late. I have nothing to say. To anyone. I'm done talking about my feelings or being sad or depressed. I'm done being consumed by it. I don't want to talk. I want to be angry. I am good at being angry. Being angry means being safe. It's the only emotion that one can safely be consumed by. When you're angry and bitter no one can touch you. No one can hurt you. Anythign anyone does just fuels the fire and makes you angrier. I like it that way.
Don't get me wrong, I won't pretend that I don't wish it was different. I get cingy to certain people now and then. Sometimes I want to be talked to about things. Sometimes I want to be held. Sometimes I want to hear the words "I love you" more than anything in the world. Everyone wants to feel needed, wanted, and loved. There are times that the only thing I want to be able to do is be with someone and be able to show them everything there is about me and know that they love me, and feel safe, and be ok. But there isn't anyone.
My dad is crying. I made him. I don't hate him. I realyl don't. My mother says it scares her how vengeful I sound when I speak. Just in general. Isn't it sick that that makes me happy? I like being this way. And I'm sorry that I'm hurting my dad, honestly I am, but he didn't care when he was doing it to me. So basically my only attitude is "Oh, well that sucks for you. Deal with it.". I wish I could be close with my dad. Really I do. I get so jealous of some of my friends. They can just curl up in their dad's laps and talk to them about anything and everything. No one yells or makes nasty remarks. No one tells you how to feel or that you're wrong. THey just tell their dad's everything. Even about boys. Ha. You mention anything about a boy in this house and yelling and screaming goes on for hours. I wish my dad was a person that I could talk to and feel loved and safe with. But he isn't. I wish I was daddy's little girl. But I'm not... I never will be. And I can't talk to my mom about anything anymore. I don't trust her anymore. And if she knew how i felt or the things I do she'd be too hurt. And some things in this family are just never to be spoken about. The end.
The only person I even feel like talking to, feel that I can tell all my secrets to, the person who I just wish could hold me when I'm scared and alone and I know I'd feel safe with, is the person that I am so unbelievably far from safe with. It's the person that just hurts me just as much as all the rest.
I wish that I had someone stable in my life. I wish I had a sure thing. I wish I wasn't alone.
But wishes don't come true. And I just have to deal with the way things are and be careful with everything else. And if that means becoming a cold, hard, isolated, bitter and angry person; then that's just the price I pay for being safe.
(Funny thing is, now is one of those times I wish I had someone. but shh. I didn't say that.)
The End.