My family
My family continues to be a douchebag circus. I'd like to think I'm just a little too emotionally attached and applying darker motives than exist...but I fear I am being much to charitable.
I'll try to explain with enough detail to be understood but not so much you want to shoot me.
First growing up sucked. Grandma was the most loving person I've ever met. But she had lots of health problems including extreme rheumatoid arthritis, ulcers, eating disorders, etc etc. This meant that while she wanted to do everything for everyone she physically was incapable. Grandpa on the other hand was one of the nastiest people I've ever met. He put on a show of being loving and helpful but behind closed doors there were many strings attached to any of the gifts given in public for show. Psychological and emotional abuse hard core. Mom got to be the verbal punching bag as well as unpaid cook, maid, nurse and taxi driver. Not that she really was allowed to clean much. Grandpa threw fits about us showering and changing clothes daily...mopping and vacuuming once every 2 weeks was pushing the limits.
So yeah about that doing everything for everyone...grandma was also a great manipulator. She couldn't do it so she'd look pitiful (not hard) and cry and you'd do anything to make her stop so Mom ran and did everything for everyone like grandma wanted to do and couldn't...while working full time and raising me as a single parent. It was not uncommon for us to be in Galesburg (20 minutes away in an area where minutes and miles are the same thing mostly) 5 times a week running to do for one or another aunt/uncle/cousin/great aunt twice removed etcetc. Usually but not always the grandparents paid for the groceries. sometimes they were a free babysitter (though I do recall mom having paid a babysitter to be at the house with me or dropping me off at a babysitters house as well so not often). Mom paid the water bill and for any long distance calls she made. She paid for all our clothes and bedding and stuff. Mom didn't get reimbursed for the gas and wear and tear on her car for all these trips. We also helped grandpa with his cemetery mowing gigs and were not paid for that either.
Sometime while I was in High School Grandma and Grandpa made a will which caused some hurt feelings. They signed the house over to Mom keeping life use for themselves. If one survived they got everything. When they both died bequest to sister 1, husband 1, sister 2, husband 2. Everything else split evenly amongst the 5. Mom and the other 2 sisters get no bequests. Of course sisters 1 and 2 think they got gypped cause Mom got the house. Oh side note Sister 1 was POA(WTH mom is taking care of you and doing all the work but she has no power to do anything) and is Executor with sister 2 being her co executor
(Note on the house: there was no insulation on half the house. Starting in '03ish I think the roof was leaking. On one spectacular occasion water was pouring in down the bathroom wall. The pastor rigged a plastic tarp thing across the whole of the "attic" with a drain hose as a temporary fix and as a summer project '08 or '09 they replaced the roof. Mom also was able to get an assistance program that put in insulation and replaced the furnace with a good energy efficient one. However there's probably mold in the walls from the roof leaking for so long. Also when I was 13 mom had to have back surgery. No deep cleaning at all has been done since then. Just a surface clean every week or 2. So everything needs a good detail. Structurally not so sound. Very bad bug and rodent problems. Not a good deal really since it's on a large piece of land with the garage, the shop(which was a functional welding shop at one end and an apartment at the other) and 2 other out buildings. Much property taxes. when she doesn't use anything except the garage.)
My freshman spring semester grandma had a stroke and after some horrible nursing home and doctor screw ups resulting in her leg having to be amputated, her arm being contracted into a permanent chicken wing, and a huge hole in her back from a bed sore, she died of pneumonia in June. This is when the slightly distant relationship with the 2 aunts became horribly messed up.
In the month before grandma died several things happened that contributed. First Grandpa and I got into a physical altercation. He'd demanded I take him home and feed him the instant I arrived at the hospital to see grandma even though he was perfectly capable of driving and feeding himself. When I fixed his food he said something like "I'm not eating that shit." I am still not sure how I found the self-control to not just dump his favorite boiling hot beef stew on his head but I set it on the table and then sat down next to him. I looked up to see a fist flying at my face. I jumped up and grabbed his fist before he made contact. Instead he just started pulling my hair. I forced him to sit back down in his chair. A friend who thank God happened to be there got him to let go. I walked out and never slept under the same roof with him again. He of course told everyone I swung at him first and he was just defending himself...and yes he told everyone. At this point grandma is in the hospital on thickened liquids. One of my aunts gave her unthickened liquids. When I heard about it, I said something like "That was really stupid. How's she going to feel when Grandma gets pneumonia from it?" to Mom and another aunt. Of course when a week or 2 later she came down with pneumonia and then died from it though the pneumonia probably wasn't related to those few sips of unthickened liquids she said we were all accusing her of murdering grandma.
After Grandma died, Mom continued to take care of grandpa as he steadily declined. I found every excuse I could to NEVER go home. After a year grandpa realized I wasn't getting over this and tried to buy me off with a car...however after telling me a car was mine then pulling it back twice actually giving me the third didn't help just drove home the fact that it was all a game, see how good he looks to his friends because he bought me this car.
Another rupture in my relationship with my aunts happened with our wedding. They'd both been highly involved with the weddings of my cousins. They refused to do anything for my wedding "because it's so far away" granted it's a 3 hour drive for them and the other weddings were closer. But they didn't even come with no explanation though they RSVP'd.
2006 is when Grandpa really started going down hill. Brain bleeds. Heart problems. Etc. Mom tried to keep me up on everything. I tried to ignore it as much as I could while still being there for Mom. For about 2 years he bounced between the hospital and nursing home and the aunt's tried to convince Mom that she had to pay rent to live in her own house because grandpa had life use of it. They also decided that since grandpa was not living there any more he no longer needed to pay anything so suddenly instead of barely surviving keeping the car up while paying the water bill, she now has several hundred dollars each in electric and gas and property taxes...electric for the other property she has no claim on she was still paying for. They were supposed to be clearing out the junk on those properties to sell to help pay for his expenses. Mom finally stopped paying the electric for the extra properties and power was shut off...property was sold with all stuff on property still.
When Grandpa finally died Halloween 2008 I was relieved. This was all over. The estate would get settled and Mom could finally have her house as her house not a shrine to a dead man. It's been over 2 years now and the estate still isn't settled. Mom is still living in squalor because there is so much junk and she can't get rid of it until the estate sale...and her sisters are supposed to be sorting through stuff with her to get ready. They always wait until they know she's not home (when they know she is at church or at work or visiting me) to come and work on it. They have a key so they don't need her permission or for her to even know right? Well that is changing. Things have been disappearing. Before he was even dead they had his truck, trailer, post hole digger...most things that were of any value. They hot-wired the golf cart to take it and then asked for the key later. More recently it's been littler things: recipe books, pictures, oil lamps, potty chair, etc. So wait we can't all get copies of those recipes and pictures if we want cause they're all yours now ok. For the most part they've owned up to what they've taken but 2 things tick me off.
1. Prosecuting my cousins for theft. They managed to get the police to arrest a cousin for stealing a toolbox of Grandpa's that mom and I don't remember nor did grandpa's best friend. Claustrophobic cousin would say anything to get out of that tiny tiny interrogation room so he confessed and had his tool box (not the correct one obviously) confiscated. He's a bit of a mechanic so yeah rough. The second incident they had a semblance of a leg to stand on since other cousin brother to first was out at other property pulling stuff for scrap...but since his brother had previously lived there his story that he was picking up stuff that had been forgotten should have been enough for family but no they said he'd relinquished rights by leaving it on that property for so long (gee wonder what they'd think if mom said the estate had relinquished all rights to all that property because they'd left it all there and weren't paying rent for so long).
2. Wednesday when Mom got off work she had a message saying they were coming down to sort through stuff. Now Wednesday was only Mom's 3rd day back after 2 full weeks off that the sisters knew about and did nothing during. Also Mom has told them at least 3 times that I know of her cell doesn't get signal at work so she shuts it off while in the building so her battery isn't dead at the end of the day. They know she has to be at work in time to feed kids breakfast. So do you think a call at 8:30am will get through to her cell phone? Of course not. So she got the message at 2:30 pm that at 8:30 sister 2 was off to pick up sister 1 and then they were going to work at the house. Mom had started sorting hers and not hers piles. They'd totally redone them taking a bunch of her stuff and putting it in the sale pile. Also a toy box she'd bought at an auction had disappeared. This was at least the 4th time something like this has happened.
Pat and I's response to this: Wednesday night we went to Home Depot and got replacement knob and deadbolt locks...ANSI level 2 with reset keys allowing a key change without a core change. Thursday late morning Pat headed down while I was at work and installed new locks for her. Now her sisters have to tell her before they come or they can't get in. She called them both that night to let them know that her locks had failed and needed to be replaced so they have been but she doesn't have spares right now so they'll have to coordinate with her. (Since the original deadbolts were made for a thicker door and had been twisted to fit the space Pat actually had to break the locks to get them out so she even has broken lock pieces to demonstrate her need.) Sister 2 called right away flipping out (one who gave grandma unthickened liquids) saying she was accusing them of breaking her locks and why did she have Pat come do this when her brother-in-laws would have done it and she thinks they're stealing etc etc. If I'd been on the phone I would have said yes I do think you are stealing. If all the sisters were able to come and take what they want that'd be ok since the estate is supposed to be equally divided among them all but seriously this isn't a free for all for you 2. No response yet from sister 1...but this is how things went when Mom sent a letter in June saying HELLO! When are we getting this crap sold? Sister 2 called right away going nuts and sister 1 never acknowledged she got the letter.
Oh that leads me to other things that make me mad at my aunts. Apparently to them we are mooches. Mom never paid any bills. Grandpa paid for everything for my schooling up through college. Yeah right. He never paid a dime to IWU. The closet he came to paying for stuff for my school was the refrigerator and class ring which were both also trying to buy my forgiveness for past wrongs that'd he'd never admit. Also apparently because mom's always lived with that crap it's ok to force her to continue living that way. Why would she want to be able to actually clean her house and get rid of the bugs? I don't know.
But because she wants to know when people are going to be on her property and wants to be there or have a representative there when folks are on her property she's being unreasonable. GAH
I'll try to explain with enough detail to be understood but not so much you want to shoot me.
First growing up sucked. Grandma was the most loving person I've ever met. But she had lots of health problems including extreme rheumatoid arthritis, ulcers, eating disorders, etc etc. This meant that while she wanted to do everything for everyone she physically was incapable. Grandpa on the other hand was one of the nastiest people I've ever met. He put on a show of being loving and helpful but behind closed doors there were many strings attached to any of the gifts given in public for show. Psychological and emotional abuse hard core. Mom got to be the verbal punching bag as well as unpaid cook, maid, nurse and taxi driver. Not that she really was allowed to clean much. Grandpa threw fits about us showering and changing clothes daily...mopping and vacuuming once every 2 weeks was pushing the limits.
So yeah about that doing everything for everyone...grandma was also a great manipulator. She couldn't do it so she'd look pitiful (not hard) and cry and you'd do anything to make her stop so Mom ran and did everything for everyone like grandma wanted to do and couldn't...while working full time and raising me as a single parent. It was not uncommon for us to be in Galesburg (20 minutes away in an area where minutes and miles are the same thing mostly) 5 times a week running to do for one or another aunt/uncle/cousin/great aunt twice removed etcetc. Usually but not always the grandparents paid for the groceries. sometimes they were a free babysitter (though I do recall mom having paid a babysitter to be at the house with me or dropping me off at a babysitters house as well so not often). Mom paid the water bill and for any long distance calls she made. She paid for all our clothes and bedding and stuff. Mom didn't get reimbursed for the gas and wear and tear on her car for all these trips. We also helped grandpa with his cemetery mowing gigs and were not paid for that either.
Sometime while I was in High School Grandma and Grandpa made a will which caused some hurt feelings. They signed the house over to Mom keeping life use for themselves. If one survived they got everything. When they both died bequest to sister 1, husband 1, sister 2, husband 2. Everything else split evenly amongst the 5. Mom and the other 2 sisters get no bequests. Of course sisters 1 and 2 think they got gypped cause Mom got the house. Oh side note Sister 1 was POA(WTH mom is taking care of you and doing all the work but she has no power to do anything) and is Executor with sister 2 being her co executor
(Note on the house: there was no insulation on half the house. Starting in '03ish I think the roof was leaking. On one spectacular occasion water was pouring in down the bathroom wall. The pastor rigged a plastic tarp thing across the whole of the "attic" with a drain hose as a temporary fix and as a summer project '08 or '09 they replaced the roof. Mom also was able to get an assistance program that put in insulation and replaced the furnace with a good energy efficient one. However there's probably mold in the walls from the roof leaking for so long. Also when I was 13 mom had to have back surgery. No deep cleaning at all has been done since then. Just a surface clean every week or 2. So everything needs a good detail. Structurally not so sound. Very bad bug and rodent problems. Not a good deal really since it's on a large piece of land with the garage, the shop(which was a functional welding shop at one end and an apartment at the other) and 2 other out buildings. Much property taxes. when she doesn't use anything except the garage.)
My freshman spring semester grandma had a stroke and after some horrible nursing home and doctor screw ups resulting in her leg having to be amputated, her arm being contracted into a permanent chicken wing, and a huge hole in her back from a bed sore, she died of pneumonia in June. This is when the slightly distant relationship with the 2 aunts became horribly messed up.
In the month before grandma died several things happened that contributed. First Grandpa and I got into a physical altercation. He'd demanded I take him home and feed him the instant I arrived at the hospital to see grandma even though he was perfectly capable of driving and feeding himself. When I fixed his food he said something like "I'm not eating that shit." I am still not sure how I found the self-control to not just dump his favorite boiling hot beef stew on his head but I set it on the table and then sat down next to him. I looked up to see a fist flying at my face. I jumped up and grabbed his fist before he made contact. Instead he just started pulling my hair. I forced him to sit back down in his chair. A friend who thank God happened to be there got him to let go. I walked out and never slept under the same roof with him again. He of course told everyone I swung at him first and he was just defending himself...and yes he told everyone. At this point grandma is in the hospital on thickened liquids. One of my aunts gave her unthickened liquids. When I heard about it, I said something like "That was really stupid. How's she going to feel when Grandma gets pneumonia from it?" to Mom and another aunt. Of course when a week or 2 later she came down with pneumonia and then died from it though the pneumonia probably wasn't related to those few sips of unthickened liquids she said we were all accusing her of murdering grandma.
After Grandma died, Mom continued to take care of grandpa as he steadily declined. I found every excuse I could to NEVER go home. After a year grandpa realized I wasn't getting over this and tried to buy me off with a car...however after telling me a car was mine then pulling it back twice actually giving me the third didn't help just drove home the fact that it was all a game, see how good he looks to his friends because he bought me this car.
Another rupture in my relationship with my aunts happened with our wedding. They'd both been highly involved with the weddings of my cousins. They refused to do anything for my wedding "because it's so far away" granted it's a 3 hour drive for them and the other weddings were closer. But they didn't even come with no explanation though they RSVP'd.
2006 is when Grandpa really started going down hill. Brain bleeds. Heart problems. Etc. Mom tried to keep me up on everything. I tried to ignore it as much as I could while still being there for Mom. For about 2 years he bounced between the hospital and nursing home and the aunt's tried to convince Mom that she had to pay rent to live in her own house because grandpa had life use of it. They also decided that since grandpa was not living there any more he no longer needed to pay anything so suddenly instead of barely surviving keeping the car up while paying the water bill, she now has several hundred dollars each in electric and gas and property taxes...electric for the other property she has no claim on she was still paying for. They were supposed to be clearing out the junk on those properties to sell to help pay for his expenses. Mom finally stopped paying the electric for the extra properties and power was shut off...property was sold with all stuff on property still.
When Grandpa finally died Halloween 2008 I was relieved. This was all over. The estate would get settled and Mom could finally have her house as her house not a shrine to a dead man. It's been over 2 years now and the estate still isn't settled. Mom is still living in squalor because there is so much junk and she can't get rid of it until the estate sale...and her sisters are supposed to be sorting through stuff with her to get ready. They always wait until they know she's not home (when they know she is at church or at work or visiting me) to come and work on it. They have a key so they don't need her permission or for her to even know right? Well that is changing. Things have been disappearing. Before he was even dead they had his truck, trailer, post hole digger...most things that were of any value. They hot-wired the golf cart to take it and then asked for the key later. More recently it's been littler things: recipe books, pictures, oil lamps, potty chair, etc. So wait we can't all get copies of those recipes and pictures if we want cause they're all yours now ok. For the most part they've owned up to what they've taken but 2 things tick me off.
1. Prosecuting my cousins for theft. They managed to get the police to arrest a cousin for stealing a toolbox of Grandpa's that mom and I don't remember nor did grandpa's best friend. Claustrophobic cousin would say anything to get out of that tiny tiny interrogation room so he confessed and had his tool box (not the correct one obviously) confiscated. He's a bit of a mechanic so yeah rough. The second incident they had a semblance of a leg to stand on since other cousin brother to first was out at other property pulling stuff for scrap...but since his brother had previously lived there his story that he was picking up stuff that had been forgotten should have been enough for family but no they said he'd relinquished rights by leaving it on that property for so long (gee wonder what they'd think if mom said the estate had relinquished all rights to all that property because they'd left it all there and weren't paying rent for so long).
2. Wednesday when Mom got off work she had a message saying they were coming down to sort through stuff. Now Wednesday was only Mom's 3rd day back after 2 full weeks off that the sisters knew about and did nothing during. Also Mom has told them at least 3 times that I know of her cell doesn't get signal at work so she shuts it off while in the building so her battery isn't dead at the end of the day. They know she has to be at work in time to feed kids breakfast. So do you think a call at 8:30am will get through to her cell phone? Of course not. So she got the message at 2:30 pm that at 8:30 sister 2 was off to pick up sister 1 and then they were going to work at the house. Mom had started sorting hers and not hers piles. They'd totally redone them taking a bunch of her stuff and putting it in the sale pile. Also a toy box she'd bought at an auction had disappeared. This was at least the 4th time something like this has happened.
Pat and I's response to this: Wednesday night we went to Home Depot and got replacement knob and deadbolt locks...ANSI level 2 with reset keys allowing a key change without a core change. Thursday late morning Pat headed down while I was at work and installed new locks for her. Now her sisters have to tell her before they come or they can't get in. She called them both that night to let them know that her locks had failed and needed to be replaced so they have been but she doesn't have spares right now so they'll have to coordinate with her. (Since the original deadbolts were made for a thicker door and had been twisted to fit the space Pat actually had to break the locks to get them out so she even has broken lock pieces to demonstrate her need.) Sister 2 called right away flipping out (one who gave grandma unthickened liquids) saying she was accusing them of breaking her locks and why did she have Pat come do this when her brother-in-laws would have done it and she thinks they're stealing etc etc. If I'd been on the phone I would have said yes I do think you are stealing. If all the sisters were able to come and take what they want that'd be ok since the estate is supposed to be equally divided among them all but seriously this isn't a free for all for you 2. No response yet from sister 1...but this is how things went when Mom sent a letter in June saying HELLO! When are we getting this crap sold? Sister 2 called right away going nuts and sister 1 never acknowledged she got the letter.
Oh that leads me to other things that make me mad at my aunts. Apparently to them we are mooches. Mom never paid any bills. Grandpa paid for everything for my schooling up through college. Yeah right. He never paid a dime to IWU. The closet he came to paying for stuff for my school was the refrigerator and class ring which were both also trying to buy my forgiveness for past wrongs that'd he'd never admit. Also apparently because mom's always lived with that crap it's ok to force her to continue living that way. Why would she want to be able to actually clean her house and get rid of the bugs? I don't know.
But because she wants to know when people are going to be on her property and wants to be there or have a representative there when folks are on her property she's being unreasonable. GAH