everythings all jumbled up.
well lets see...me and tay went to the park the other day. it was an awesome day. we took pictures and everything. then tay was tickling Micah and out of no where micah says "dada" and the look on tays face was priceless..i snapped a picture of it. he looked so happy..and amazed. it was nice. that was the best day i've had in awhile. tay was
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yeah...things are kind of sad and dreary..its like a big black cloud has formed over the house and its just pouring buckets of rain. well you and nat aren't the only ones that fight. lol we all do. i know me and him need to be happy but its just really hard right now. tay isn't really want to do anything...he just locks himself in his room and stays there all day..cept for when he comes out to see emery and micah...and even then he doesn't really talk much it really sucks :o( yeah they have been cranky...not only because of the mood in the house but just because tays been distant with them and stuff... and its really sad. no their not happy campers at all. *sigh* i can't seem to get anyone happy...or keep them happy.
i love my boys too. <3 haha. well if you wanna see them you could always come HERE. bring your kids and we can all have a big get together. well if you wanna spend time with them come and see us! i don't see tay wanting to get out..let alone with me. he's just been really distant towards me. i think it would be good for me too...but i dunno. i hope mommy comes first outta one of the other 2. i'm not the best mommy.oh lord! ZAC!!! keep your eyes off my rack! my rack is a no-zac eye zone. i would like to spend time with tay...just by ourselves it'd be nice. we haven't been by ourselves in awhile.
i'm sorry too...but isn't that how me and ike are? we always fight over something..and usually it's about tay. i've known for awhile that i had feelings for tay...they've been here for awhile. ike needed to know..that i might be getting over him and he needs to be prepared for that..and if i do it's no ones fault but his own. i don't see tay admiting it anytime soon if ever.. i dont think he'd let anything happen with us because of ike..he would feel like he took me from him and he doesn't wanna do that. but i really do like tay...and i really wish something would happen between us. when we went on the pinic it was great...i mean we held hands and everything it was so cute. *sigh* i know he's having a horrible time right now and nothing seems to be helping him. i'm so worried about him alot Zac... i just wished he'd get better again. i'm not really worried about it but i wouldn't mind it happening ya no?
i'm not taking his shit anymore. yeah but i feel bad because i know if i get with tay ever he's going to be hurt and i don't think he'll want to be around me anymore and i dont like that i still want him as a friend and like i dont want anything bad between us because we have a kid together and we're gonig to be around each other for awhile and he needs to see that. everyone is giving up on him because of how he's acting... ithink im going to be the only one there for him after awhile.
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Im sorry nikki.I dont want my brother to crawl back into that whole..i dont want him to stop expressing his thoughts or anything.Its horrible.We've all worked so hard to get coax him out of his shell...and now here is..going completely backwards.Ill be damned if this is it..if this is the end of the tay we know and love,he wont be the walking dead.We will see to it.
Well...I dont know about bringing my kids..although I do think they need to get out of that household.Their mother isnt exactly right in the head right now and it worries me.Something is different, she is different..and now even i've become someone I dont know.And I have no clue what happened.I need to be with you and my brother and take my children away from this.SOmething is going on that I know nothing about and it scares me.I want to see my nephews since I really doubt im going to ever ever lay eyes on my son with natalie.She's in labor at this very moment and she said she is praying to god for some sort of maricle that it isnt mine.And that hurts..it really does.Yes you are the best mommy..by far nikki and its beautiful.Right next to my mother.LMAO...yeah..im in too much trouble as it is right now.Im still trying to convince natalie that im devoted to her.
Its pathetic how much greed ike posses...how insanely jelous he is and how he has absolutly no trust for anyone these days...I just...I cant believe how badly my father fucked him up.Its sad,,but he did...he ruined him.And the tay thing is just way too fuckin old.He needs to just quit.Well tay is too damn respectful and curtious to ike then need be.and he most certainly dont deserve it.So I wish he'd just stop being such a good brother right there and pay attention to his own needs...and for once, give himself something he wants..you both want.At least I wouldnt have to worry.Im worried about him too.To be honest...right now, there isnt a whole lot that im not worried about.
who knows.Dreams sometimes come true.Just not for me.
Good!!Its about damn time.Your too fuckin good for this shit nikki...and you have enough problems on your own.When you were together, it was all about him. you always had to put your own problems,wants and needs on the backburner while dealing with him and that was lame..not only that..but your pregnant now.Things have to change.and soon.
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i don't want him to either. and you don't have to be sorry. its not your fault he's like this now. he's already stopped expressing his thoughts to me. i know we all worked hard to get him out of his shell...but its like he just came out long enough to help me and now he's going back. Zac..i really don't want him like this and i dont know how to help him. he wont even talk to me. it tears me up it really does. all i want is for him to talk to me. i wont let this be the end of him. I WONT. i fucking REFUSE to let it happen. i need him i can't lose him zac not now. i CANT.
Zac...the boys could use other kids to play with... they don't really have any friends yet. the only people they see usually is me and tay.it'll be good for them to see them. i know....it doesn't sound like she alright... she is a tad bit different. you need to be with nat. if you ever wanna come over and talk you can... we can just talk about whatever. well maybe you could talk to her about it or something...or just get the kids out for a couple day. Zac you will see your new baby.. i really don't think she would keep you from him. well Zac can you really blame her right now? she's hurt and angry of course shes going to say shit like that. you 2 love each other. and you'll work it out. i know it hurts...but love comes with pain. Zac how am i the best mom? look how i sunk into myself and could hardly take care of them. i wasn't a good mom then. your in alot of trouble mister. well she'll come around if not...then well your going to either try to win her back or let her go.
yeah he does posse alot of the it scares me sometimes. he gets so possesive and protective and its kind of scary. He does get jealous easy. it's strange. i know he hardly EVER trusted me. i think he did in the beginning but then he stopped..atleast after the Tay thing...but if you think about it he'd done lied to me about 100 times before then and i ALWAYS trusted him again. that was my problem i think alway trustin ghim again. yeah Walker did quite the job on him. It really sucks too because ike could be such a wonderful person when he wanted to be. sometimes it's hard to think he was like that...after how he's been....i mean...how can someone who treated me like glassand a princess end up doing all those horrible things to me? ya no? Yeah the tay thing is old. he ALWAYS thought i was going to leave him for Tay one day but i NEVER would have done that. i LOVED him ya no? i wanted to be with him. but feelings change or people change in this case. i know he is. it's sad. even after everything tay still respects him and his wishes. I wish he would just let go of all that shit for one night...and just let things happen...but i dont think he's going too. i can wait for him. i'll wait forever if i have too. i'm really worried....sometimes...when i can't sleep...and hes in his room with the door shut i'll go and sit outside it and listen to him breathe. i know.. i'm really afraid we're going to lose him ZAc. :o( yeah i can't take anymore of his shit...ike just needs to grow up and start getting some resposibitly specially if he wants to be a dad to this baby. he needs to learn to put other peoples wishes and needs over his own. thats how its going to be from now on.
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No.Its not over yet..he's not gone yet.Its not the end yet.Everything gets better in the end..and if it hasnt gotten better...its not the end.He will come through..he has to...and he will.He's just stuck in a moment for now..and we will help him out of it and it will all be just fine like it never happened.Just...I dont know..be patient.Its hard..I know...but patience will pay off for you, the situation, and for tay.He needs us to be patient and understanding with him and most of all ..believen him..because of course he is going to question himself.
Im taking the kids.Im not speaking one word to kate unless its to divorce or be annauled.I cant trust her.She cant be trusted.She's so vindictive and munipulative and goes about it in the most sneekiest of ways.Thats the most unhealthy of all kinds.Even if..heaven forbid..I cant be with natalie..I refuse to have to settle with kate,..I dont even know that we can be friends.Im thinking I might even battle for the kids.But..I cant do this...I just cant.I know I need to be with nat...and I went to her...but...Im not wanted...to the least bit...she shot me the most icy glare and was just in so much pain.Her heart was laying at my feet, in tiny little peices.It was heartbreaking..I just cant believe this is all real and I did this.How could I have made such a mess?And been so careless?How does one let this happen?I dont think Natalie will have it.I dont think she will even listen to me.She finds me unworthy of it all.And whats worse is..I dont know that I disagree.I went to see the baby, and the only reason I got in was because I told them I was the father.She was too busy pushing to notice me and didnt notice until they asked me if I wanted to hold the baby.Nikki..she reacted as a new protective mother would..she pulled the baby close,and tight..as if to protect him from me.She ammediatly answered before I could, saying no, he doesnt.And basically said I had no bussiness there.She told me just how much I crushed her...and that she and HER baby didnt need me. =0( it hurt..it crushed me..I was living my own hell..but how could something so precious and beautiful be in hell?My son...he's...so innocent..so beautiful...it almost stopped time for a moment, but unfortunately wasnt enough to erase it all or to make natalie reconsider forgiving me or giving it up for now and making amends..she was still bitter towards me.Even though I begged her not to be..for the childs sake.I didnt want him to be introduced to me under these circumstances..I must look so horrible to him.I wanted for both of us to have a big blissful smile on our face and tears of joy...not for his mother to cry because I wont get away from her fast enough and because seeing me pains her.You are the best mom...nikki...you just are..point blank.Ask everyone.You dont need an explination for that.
I know.But really..right now..I dont want to talk about ike...im not even in the mood to bash him.I cant...because..i've sank just as low, if not..lower...so I get no joy from it.I feel like scum..I feel disgusting.I need answers..I need proof...I just...cant I wake up from all this?None of it makes any sense..its all so unreal in the worst possible way.Wow...I see hope..I mean..those are strong words nikki..to say that you'd wait forever for tay...he's never heard anyone say that..and to be honest..I think he needs to hear that..I think you need to tell him this, and not me.You wont lose tay, if its the last thing I do.Ill see to it..before I dissapear completely..ill at least make sure he's fine first.In order to be a parent, you have to put pretty much everyone before yourself and you must be last.So yeah.
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i know its not over yet...and i know he's not gone yet..but its like each day that passes i can see him fading away...his eyes are getting so lifeless again zac it scares me. not everything gets better. he doesn't have to do anything Zac...right now he's just withering away. you can't just get him out of a stage like this and act like it never happened. I'am being patient. it is hard...but i've got all the time in the world. he's already questioning himself. i hate this. i just want him better. thats it.
well i can see you taking the kids...and your probably going to have to be the one who files for divorce because i really don't see her doing it. zac...all this is finally getting to her. well zac...your making her sound like trash or something..talking about "settling" well...thats just mean. well...zac what did you expect her to do? welcome you with open arms? you cheated on her and betrayed her.....shes not going to be happy with you and you should have prepared yourself for that. it's not all your fault that this happened..im sure kate had alot to do with it. zac give her time...she needs time to heal and let all this soak in..and maybe she'll talk when shes ready. zac your not unworthy. zac..im sorry you didn't get to hold him..and im sorry that it had to be that way...but it'll get better. i promise. i know it hurt zac but she can't really keep you from seeing him ya no? it might not be the best of terms to have a new baby but maybe...this is a sign...maybe he's came now for a reason. and you can't give up on nat..if you love her you gotta keep trying to win her back. zac you nad nat have true love....you can't just let it slip through your fingers without a fight....if she fights fight back harder. PROVE your love to her. make her see why she fell in love with you to begin with. i hope i can be a great mom. i'm so afraid i'm going to screw them up zac..it's hard... i don't really feel like talking about him either.. you've not sunk lower than ike believe me. zac its not a dream...if you pinch yourself you wont wake up. *bites lip* i know their strong words. and they are true. i would wait forever...hes tay. zac..i don't want to tell him this right now..he doesn't need me mooning over him. i can't tell him this..im afraid of what he'll say...or wont say...or do... it's just...scary. i see him and i get butterflies. its nice. i dont want to lose him....i really hope he gets better. i miss tay. i miss us sitting up all night talking. i miss me and him playing with the boys. it makes me sad he's like this. i just wanna cry when i see him
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i know we cant act like none of it never happened, I dont ..I dont know what I was talking about..im not even thinking clearly..my mind is racing.
I hope that I get the kids...I really do.God I want them...and even if I cant have all of them, I want atleast my babygirl, or to have the twins, I will not seperate the twins though.My youngest already has to deal with being seperated from her twin for the rest of her life and not being whole.There are times she cries and cries and kate, nor I can get her to stop..I think its a feeling of being incomplete.And I will file for divorce..im going to right away.And at this very moment... I dont care if I make her sound like trash by saying "settling" with her,Nikki..I dont know that your understanding just what she did...she munipulated me as a part of her own scam.It was her way of getting natalie back..I know.And she is dillusional nikki, she isnt right..she scares me and im going to go rescue those kids tonight..im going to get them away from her...she isnt right nikki..she's not.I dont know what she did to me...but she did something bad to me.I think I was even raped.Im not done with nat..god knows I love her and i've fought this whole time for her..so why would I stop now?She's worth every fight...even if its with my last breath.She...she said maybe that the only reason we were to be together was to concieve this child and *sniffles*..and *breaks down crying*..now that, that has been accomplished..we are to part ways.I know she is hurting..but this hurts me too damn it..It hurts so bad.Does she even hear herself?You arent going to screw them up, you and nat will be wonderful mothers....believe in tay, believen you and him and the possibilitys..he wont turn his back to you when you show him true love.Thats not in his nature.
now wish me luck..im going to need it...im going back there to save my children...and im just hoping I come out alive.Because she isnt right and I think adam is back around again.
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the only thing we can do is learn from it and put it behind us.
i think you will with how she's been lately. i mean shes a little off the rocker. you'll get all 3 of them if you take her to court and show all the bad things shes done. it's hard on twins if you seperate them or if one of them dies.. emery and micah have this bond already they don't like to be away from each other. poor baby. :o( well good. maybe that will do some good. ZAc i do understand. i mean look what ike did to me.... i understand she's done something terrible. and wrong. good. you keep fighting for her zac...you'll get her back you have too. she wasn't with you just to get pregnant or anything. zac..she loves you but you gotta remember shes in alot of pain right now and you just gotta give her time to work through all her emotions and shit. i know it hurts you too zac. *sigh* i hope i'm a good mother. i do believe in tay. i dunno... i think he would but not because he wanted too but because he thinks he doesn't deserve love. good luck. jesus. why is she with him AGAIN? look what he did last time! god. shes stupid sometimes. and not only that putting your children at risk. BLAH!
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Well I hope so.She has threatened me and said that the courts rule in favor of mothers though. =0(
I know I have to get her back..I need her..I love her...like no other.She is my soulmate..my other half and what completes me.We got married because we loved eachother..not because she was pregnant..we love eachother..I wish she could just see that..think back and remember..all the way to the times before this.
I know.He fuckin killed one of our babies,almost killed the other AND her.I saved her...I fuckin saved her..and this is how she repays me.
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well even if she gets full custody of him you should still get visitation rights because well you haven't done anythingto hurt him or put him in danger and i think its fucked up if she didnt let you see him just because of what you did.. i mean look how my baby was concieved and im stil lgoing to like ike see it.
you'll get her back if its meant to be. i know you got married because you loved each other. zac she still does love you but you gotta realize you've probably crushed her heart doing this and thats not something you soak in and get over in a day...remember rome wasn't built in a day.
kate is just doing some stupid shit right now and any of those kids are hurt forever i'll fuck her up. i swear i will..putting her kids at risk like that. what the hell is wrong with her?
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