everythings all jumbled up.

[_xonikkiox_]

well lets see...me and tay went to the park the other day. it was an awesome day. we took pictures and everything. then tay was tickling Micah and out of no where micah says "dada" and the look on tays face was priceless..i snapped a picture of it. he looked so happy..and amazed. it was nice. that was the best day i've had in awhile. tay was

Comments

[tj_h]

hey nik nik.
Hows you feeling? good i hope, ur starting to get better i can feel it. Your sleeping more and ur feeling better about yourself. This counsellor is doing a world of good for you. I'm So Happy that ur feeling so much better.

You went and saw ike? alone? I can't believe u could face him alone, u got some real guts nikki. He really hates me doesn't he. *looks down* i hate that so much. I haven't done anything to stop you from being with him, i've helped him get u back even and still he hates me. He just hates me so much. But, wat can i do, my brother hates me. It kills me that someone i looked up to so much hates me. You know, i've been ringing up and asking about ike to see how he's been doing. You didn't know that did you.....no one did. But i guess i should just give up on him huh? cuz like, even if he does get better he's still gonna hate me like he does. So yeah.....i don't know wat else to say *takes a breathe and sighs*

I can't wait to see the boys running around and finding their feet. They're gonna be so amazing. I can see them playing all these sports and hanging out and just being so amazing. I love them so much, they really are everything to me now. They're the only thing that i can't lose anymore. NO matter wat i'm gonna be their dadda. Micah really made that real to me. That i'm their daddy and that can't be taken away from me. So, if u really want to go back to isaac....like when he's well.... i won't stand in ur way. If that's wat you really want. Umm we'll talk later i suppose.

Tay

[_xonikkiox_]

hey tay
i'm feeling better. ahh..yes sleeping again. i didn't even realize how much i missed it. i'm not sleeping all night through but enough. yeah it is...i'm glad i started going. it's been wonderful. i'm happy that im feeling better too. it's great to see you happy. i'm glad we're both feeling better now.

yeah...alone. it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be. especially after he turned around with this huge smile on his face...do you know how long it's been since i've seen him smile like that? months. he doesn't hate you tay...he was talking about wanting to work it out with you. i dont know what his problem is tay. i know you've done nothing but help him. i think what did it was that one night... i mean i REALLY wished he'd get over that. wow..i didn't know you was doing that. tay..don't give up on him. it's worth fighting for...you all really need to be friends again...family is all you have tay remember that. you don't know if he gets better he's going to hate you. he's not completely lost yet tay.

I can't wait to see the boys running around and finding their feet. They're gonna be so amazing. I can see them playing all these sports and hanging out and just being so amazing. I love them so much, they really are everything to me now. They're the only thing that i can't lose anymore. NO matter wat i'm gonna be their dadda. Micah really made that real to me. That i'm their daddy and that can't be taken away from me. So, if u really want to go back to isaac....like when he's well.... i won't stand in ur way. If that's wat you really want. Umm we'll talk later i suppose.

i can't either! it's going to be awesome. i can't wait...to watch them grow up..it's going to be an amazing experince. well you should have seen that long ago. no matter what we're always going to be their mom and dad...no one else can ever be us. thats the one thing thats forever. Tay..i really don't know if i want to go back with him or not. i can't go without least seeing if these feelings can be more than something they are...i can't go back to him wondering "what if" ya no? i want to know if the feelings i have for someone could get stronger...and be something more.

[tj_h]

he can smile as much as he wants, Just don't want him near me. He hates me, and i don't wanan be near someone who hates me that much, that can think i'd do everything he THINKS and BELIEVES i've done. Nikki it hurts. He hates me so much for things that aren't even true. He's made it out like i'm some bastard that's vandictive and muniplative. But he's the one that's like that. He's the one that put u thru shit. He can't forgive me for stuff i haven't done, then i can't forgive him for things he HAS done. Whether or not he remembers them. He still picked up the bottle which led him to do those things. And i hate him for that, i hate that he can think he deserves more forgiveness then i do. He thinks i'm worth nothing and he's worth evreything. Since when does it come down to who's better? oh wait this is ike. I know u hate me saying this shit. But fuck it. It really hurts knowing he thinks so lowly of me. So i'm just gonna do EVERYTHING back to him that he's doing to me. It's only fair to treat him the way he treats me. I'm not fucking caring wat he does anymore. I'm not fucking ringing that place every couple of days anymore. He can go jump. He hates me so much *clenchs his teeth and breathes heavily, shaking alittle but his eyes look so sad and watery*

it hurts nikki, down to the core.

[_xonikkiox_]

tay i understand. i dont know what his problem is. or why he hates you so mcuh.. i mean why? you've done nothing to me. tay your a wonderful person and if he can't see that then he doesn't deserve to be in your life. your the one who should hate him because of everything he's done. he seems to think he's better than you even when you was at your worst..the problem is it wasn't YOUR choice to get there..you had a medical problem. ike knew what would happened if he picked up that bottle and starting drinking liek that again...he knew he'd get most likely get volient and do something terrible. that was his choice... that what gets me. your worth more than everything tay...i don't hate you for saying it. it just makes me REALLY sad that you 2 ended up like this. i think he hates you for what might happen. he thinks we're going to end up together and thats what hurts the most... ya no? i really wished he didn't hate you tay. you don't deserve this shit.

i know it does hon.

[tj_h]

he makes me feel like just dying. Like would that make him happier? if i was just gone? like would that make his life perfect again? if i was dead? Cuz dammit i would've done that for him. Sometimes i still would. But he hasn't dont anything to deserve it so why should i put the boys thru that for him. He wouldn't look aftre them. He wouldn't love them like i do. He fucking hates that their mine and would make the feel like shit cuz they have MY gene's even thoughhhhhhh my gene's are the same as ikes. i feel like screaming until my lungs are completely empty. The worse thing is, zac is so trying to be my brother again, he's trying to be there for me. And i love him for that.....but.....he's my younger brother, i have to be there for him, but i don't know if i can let him be there for me, ya know? like i'm supposed to protect him and ike's supposed to protect me.....i just, i wanna be a good big brother, i don't wanna put zac thru shit for no reason.

He just makes me feel like everything in this whole world is my fault. Even though i try so hard to be there for him. He won't let me near him, he's shut off to me. And if it was the other way around i would NOT do that, he's my blood, my brother. For god sakes i didn't even have a go at him for raping you. Even if i hate that he did it. I didn't lose it at him cuz i figured he didn't need another person at his throat, i figured he needed someone to help him. But no, i'm just the bad guy.

Nikki i just.... *tugs at his hair* he makes me wanna die.

[_xonikkiox_]

tay..he's done nothing to deserve anything from you. he's treated you like shit for over a year...he's been horrible to you and you shouldn't forgive him for it. you've tried so many times to help him but he always shoved you away. he doesn't deserve shit from you. i know what you mean...there would always be that. i mean i know he'd love them....but there always be that little part that dislikes them for being yours. i understand. you want your big brother back... tay he's going to have to be there for you...because ike isn't going to be..he's made that clear...all you and zac got now are each other. your a good big brother and zac wants you to let him be there for you.

i know what you mean....thats how i always felt going back to him. like the whole thing was my fault...that i should forgive him.. i dont know how he does it. tay i wouldn't try anymore..if it's bothering you this bad you should just stop. i know you didn't jump on him for raping me...that's the same reason i didn't.. i wanted him to get help.rather than me ripping his throat out for it. tay your not the bad guy..your the good one. remember that.

don't let him get to you like that..it'll only make it worse...is there anything i can do to make you better? i don't like you feeling like this.

[tj_h]

but zac doesn't get it. He just don't understand. Isaac don't hate him. Isaac hates me. And i never made zac feel like this. I NEVER would do that to him, he's my baby bro. I love him. And i love isaac... i wish i could hate him as relentlessly as he hates me. But i can't.

I'm not the good one nikki, i've done shit like isaac is.

I don't think anything could make me feel better. I feel like shit.

[_xonikkiox_]

your right ike doesn't hate him but he hates like like ike hates you... i dont see them ever being brothers again. i know you'd never do that to him or to anyone. i know what you mean...even after everything he's done to me. i still can't hate him. it would all be so much easier if i could.

tay..you wasn't the good one..but your good now...you don't do anything like that anymore.

i'm sorry.. i really want to help. :o( i hate seeing you like this. i really do. it breaks my heart.

[tj_h]

don't let it upset you. Please? then i just fucked up you being happy for once *poutz* god that's not good

[_xonikkiox_]

tay..i can't help it.. seeing you like this upsets me. tay...i'll be happier when your better. im still happy..it just tears me up to see you like this.

[tj_h]

let it go nikki, forget i said anything seriously.

[_xonikkiox_]

now really tay. you of all people should know i can't very well let it go. you know how iam.