If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again
wow..here lately i haven't been sleeping well at all.. its terrible. when i close my eyes i just keep seeing what happened to me. i can't stand this. i dont know what to do. i think it would be easier if i could just hate ike. but i can't. god knows i've tried to hate him in this past week. i've tried to hate him and not think about him.. but i can
( Read more... )
I dunno what all this stuff about Tay is. If he isnt happy dont blame yourself. And please dont blame yourself for anything to do with me. I was a fucking mess, and tay has a lot to get over, none of that is your fault. There isnt a single thing wrong with you and i dont want you even thinking that there could be. I know he's still going through a lot of stuff but.. i'm starting to think my suspicions are right. i'm not blind or stupid Nik. Especially all these comments between you. And just after you'd told me that you were JUST friends! that it was nothing more? You just flat out lied? Its obvious something is going on and I dont need lies. I hate that. Just tell me if its going on. You both still have something there and I cant even stand that fucking thought. After everything, this is still slapping me in the face.
I shouldnt comment on zac now, he's not really on my best side.
Baby, I'm sorry for everything. I love you too, so much. I know I've messed up before and you're skeptical that I can get better and be with me again, but I want to do this Nik. I am so thankful that you say you'll always love me and I just hope that will never change. I know what I did was wrong and you probably should hate me, but baby, its a sign, it is, you still love me despite everything, if you can forgive what i've done the least i can do is get better. You'll be happy, you will baby because you deserve it, more than anyone. We can work baby.. Once I get it together we can. I'll be me, the ike you met.. and we'll be so perfect together baby. We'll work. You're not the one bad at relationships, dont ever say that. I messed everything up and you put up with me.. Thats more than I could have wanted. I'm so sorry I messed up Nik. I am. I'll make it up to you.
I know how much you love them and I'm thankful you have them cuz they seem to be doing good for you. Just please dont give up Nik. you cant. You're so incredible. You're yong and gorgeous and you deserve all the happiness and love, dont give up on that ever. I'm really trying to get better. I'm in a month long program baby. I'm staying at this place 24hours. They dont allow anything so I cant cheat.. Baby I'm gonna do this.
Baby... a..are you really pregnant? By me? My god. It hurts how upset everyone sounds by it. I know it wasnt in the best way. I hate that I did that to you.. but Nik.. a baby?? Our baby?? We can do this.. We can baby.. Wow.. I really didnt expect that. Please dont give it up baby? Please, I cant even stand the thought of that.. I know that it started from something ugly but it could be so beautiful, so amazing.. making a new life together.. Baby I'll be there.. I'm really gonna get better and work on myself, and we can do this. I love you. We'll do it baby.
Reply
dont be sorry.... because sorry doesnt help...and yeah. just because i know it wasn't you...doesnt make it right. i didn't deserve it but i seem to get everything i don't deserve instead of what i deserve anymre. well...if you getting better came out of this...well i guess its kind of good.
i know i shouldn't blame myself for him being unhappy...but i can't help it. i want him to be happy and iwant to make him happy..and if i cant i see it as failing. i blame myself over you because...well.....it's really my fault you started to slip again. i know he has alot to get over and hes never truely going to heal till he starts to grieve. ike of course there is something wrong with me. theres always something wrong with people. mine is a trust to easily and waaaaaaaay to much. and i always forgive people when i probably shouldn't. i'm just to nice for my own good and thats what's wrong with me. ike i know your not blind or stupid. we are just friends. but...there might be feelings there..but it doesn't matter. no i didn't lie. it's nothing more than friends..if we have feelings for each other..we're keeping them at bay. nothing is going on with me and tay. you hate lies? ike don't get me started. why can't i lie a little bit if i wanna... i mean shit look at all the fucking times you've LIED to me. ike---yes we have feelings for each other..but are we going to act on them? no. me and tay just click..even if there wasn't something between us there'd seem like there was. ike--i love you. and its not like me and tay are going to get married and have babies...well...not get married atleast. i'm not going to be with ANYONE for awhile. and you shouldn't be mad at tay over this
when is he ever? and it seems both zac and tay are on your bad side right now.
i'm sorry to ike. no i know you can get better.....you have before...but i dont think you was fully better and then you just slipped back into your old ways when things got to hard. i will always love you and nothing will change that. i mean if it hasn't changed yet i really dont think its going to change now or ever. this is all it took for you to want to get better and stay better? well we should have done this a long time ago then. ike i'll always love you no matter what you do to me. i dont think its a sign... its just how it is. yeah..the least you can do is get better and stay better. i know i'll be happy again. i hope we can work. god. i miss that ike. i really do. i hate this person you've become. i might not be bad at relationships but mine always fail. you did mess everything up but can you put everything back together out of the mess you made? thats the question.
yeah. i love them...i dont know what i'd do without them these last months...they was stone. they kept me sane... ike i've already given up. i've lost all hope in relationships actually working out. i'm glad your really trying to get better this time. good. what if your not better in a month? you might do it but how long is it going to stick this time? none of this means anything unless it sticks this time...i hope you do it...and it sticks.
i dont know for sure that im pregnant...because i haven't been to the doctor yet but i know iam.. it's how i feel.. i know it. i'm going to make sure tomorrow... i have a doctors appointment. yes by you. your the only one i've had sex with in forever so yeah it'd be yours. well ike...they're just worried. yeah... a baby. i mean..are you really ready for a baby. ike why in the hell would you think i'd give up a baby? i could never give up a baby... never. ike..i'm keeping it. it did come from something ugly. ike...just because im pregnant doesnt mean imma get with you as soon as you get outta where ever it is your at. it doesnt even mean im going to move in with you. and we're not going to make a new life till im ready too. i hope you get better for good this time. all i want you to focus on right now is getting better. i love you too.
Reply
Leave a comment