If I fall back down, you're gonna help me back up again
wow..here lately i haven't been sleeping well at all.. its terrible. when i close my eyes i just keep seeing what happened to me. i can't stand this. i dont know what to do. i think it would be easier if i could just hate ike. but i can't. god knows i've tried to hate him in this past week. i've tried to hate him and not think about him.. but i can't stop loving him no matter what he does to me... god it sucks. and i'm scared of everything now.. the slightest sound makes me jump and if tay comes up behind me not making him self known it scares me.. dude this is not cool. i dont know. i just can't believe he did that... how could someone who loves you do something like that? there is no reason for it. and it'll never be right. i just don't know how he could have done that..its like it wasn't him. it was scary. my ribs still hurt and i still have some bruises.... and everytime i see a bruise it makes me cry...plus...something else is eatting at me.. i don't want to talk about itjust yet..but its important.
i don't know what happened with tay. he seemed to be getting better and now he's went back to not talking...hardly being seen.. it makes me sad. i feel like he doesn't want me there. i dont know what to do. i'm not giving up on helping him. im here for him and nothing short of beating me or killing me is going to make me leave. tays my best friend and im always going to help him whether he wants my help or not. i'm going to help him get better if its the last thing i do. because he needs to be happy again. i wish i could go back in time...and make juliet alive again. i wish i could have went instead of her because then atleast Tay would be happy. i miss tay being happy. its like i can't be happy unless he is. i just want to cry. i'm so sick of not being able to help people. its like everyone i try to help i fail. look at all the times i've tried to help ike...and he's always came unglued after awhile. now i thought i was helping tay but it turns out i'm not. why can't i help someone and succeed? i feel like such a failure. i just want tay to smile again and have his eyes light up again. i'm so sad. tay is pushing me away and i dont like it. i'm a failure. i fail at everything.
Zac..hon... i hope things get better for you i really do. I know how much you love Nat..im sure she loves you. she's just going through alot right now. i know you want to help her but she might not need your help right now. maybe she just needs to be alone....sometimes thats the best thing. i think it sucks that everyone in this family is fighting. i just wish you ike and tay would get back to being friends but i know how unlikely that is right now and that makes me even more sad. life is falling apart all around us.
my feelings right now are everywhere. i love ike..i would like to be with him right now but thats not going to happen. its not going to happen for along while if ever. i'll always love him no matter what and i think i've proved that. i know everyone thinks i'm stupid for even talking to him after what he did... or hell that i even care about him.. but i just can't stop. i have every right to hate his guts right now but i can't... my heart won't allow me. then we have me really liking someone else but they don't like me and it could never happen so i don't see why i like them. *sigh* this sucks. i just want to be happy. i just want to be loved by someone. i just want ONE relationship to work out. i've been engaged twice to the same guy and we've broken up both times...plus alot of other times. it's just like i'm doomed to be without a boyfriend or husband the rest of my life. maybe i'm the one whos no good at relationships. maybe i'm the reason they fall apart. i could believe that. i just feel like total shit. it's like no one wants me bad enough to get me. my headaches are back full force and i think they are getting worse. all i ever wanted was to be happy....and how often have i been truely happy lately? only when im with my boys. i'm SO glad i have them.
they are the one thing thats constant in my life right now. they will always be there for me no matter what and for that im glad. i love them boys so much. if i didn't have them right now i dont know how i would be. they are a blessing to me. all this shit is really getting to me.. i feel like i'm going to have a break down. i'm just losing it i think. my heart....can't take anymore pain..it's like its turning into ice.. i just dont know... i dont believe in love anymore i really dont... love is just a way to get hurt. i dont think i'll ever fall in love again. *a tear slides down my face* i hate myself. that's all.
i don't know what happened with tay. he seemed to be getting better and now he's went back to not talking...hardly being seen.. it makes me sad. i feel like he doesn't want me there. i dont know what to do. i'm not giving up on helping him. im here for him and nothing short of beating me or killing me is going to make me leave. tays my best friend and im always going to help him whether he wants my help or not. i'm going to help him get better if its the last thing i do. because he needs to be happy again. i wish i could go back in time...and make juliet alive again. i wish i could have went instead of her because then atleast Tay would be happy. i miss tay being happy. its like i can't be happy unless he is. i just want to cry. i'm so sick of not being able to help people. its like everyone i try to help i fail. look at all the times i've tried to help ike...and he's always came unglued after awhile. now i thought i was helping tay but it turns out i'm not. why can't i help someone and succeed? i feel like such a failure. i just want tay to smile again and have his eyes light up again. i'm so sad. tay is pushing me away and i dont like it. i'm a failure. i fail at everything.
Zac..hon... i hope things get better for you i really do. I know how much you love Nat..im sure she loves you. she's just going through alot right now. i know you want to help her but she might not need your help right now. maybe she just needs to be alone....sometimes thats the best thing. i think it sucks that everyone in this family is fighting. i just wish you ike and tay would get back to being friends but i know how unlikely that is right now and that makes me even more sad. life is falling apart all around us.
my feelings right now are everywhere. i love ike..i would like to be with him right now but thats not going to happen. its not going to happen for along while if ever. i'll always love him no matter what and i think i've proved that. i know everyone thinks i'm stupid for even talking to him after what he did... or hell that i even care about him.. but i just can't stop. i have every right to hate his guts right now but i can't... my heart won't allow me. then we have me really liking someone else but they don't like me and it could never happen so i don't see why i like them. *sigh* this sucks. i just want to be happy. i just want to be loved by someone. i just want ONE relationship to work out. i've been engaged twice to the same guy and we've broken up both times...plus alot of other times. it's just like i'm doomed to be without a boyfriend or husband the rest of my life. maybe i'm the one whos no good at relationships. maybe i'm the reason they fall apart. i could believe that. i just feel like total shit. it's like no one wants me bad enough to get me. my headaches are back full force and i think they are getting worse. all i ever wanted was to be happy....and how often have i been truely happy lately? only when im with my boys. i'm SO glad i have them.
they are the one thing thats constant in my life right now. they will always be there for me no matter what and for that im glad. i love them boys so much. if i didn't have them right now i dont know how i would be. they are a blessing to me. all this shit is really getting to me.. i feel like i'm going to have a break down. i'm just losing it i think. my heart....can't take anymore pain..it's like its turning into ice.. i just dont know... i dont believe in love anymore i really dont... love is just a way to get hurt. i dont think i'll ever fall in love again. *a tear slides down my face* i hate myself. that's all.