(no subject)
So I guess I can post about my post 2 posts ago now without being overly emotional.
Basically, I had an awful anxiety attack brought on by OCD. Up until that point I had been fairly okay. But I came home from the shore to face a serious obsession by surprise. (Back story: my parents met with my therapist so they could learn more about OCD and how it effects me, and them, in reality). I flipped out on my mom via text message, even said a curse word or two, and she called me, and I was just having my anxiety attack and crying, and screaming at her. And when all she did was continually apologize and say she thought she was helping me I felt like such shit. And she even said how she was up half the night after she cleaned my room wondering if it was helping me or just making things worse. It's like after they met with my therapist they are walking on eggshells. I guess when they didn't understand OCD so much, it was easier to just be mad. But after this, I was angry and hurt. I was completely overcome with such emotion that this stupid little acronym, these 3 words, effects not only me, but my family, and my friends, and my coworkers...every person in my life. And always negatively. And I was angry at myself and everybody else that I am this way, and it's not fair. I didn't SI (haven't since May 27), but I did punch myself, and the wall, and kick a chair.
After that, I've been dealing with depression again. And it's hard. And I don't tell people for sympathy, I don't tell people so they can fix me; I tell people because I feel so overwhelmed I don't even know what to do. And I'm sick of people telling me being depressed is just a choice, or facing OCD is just a choice. Really, if I wasn't trying...I don't think I would even be here right now. But honestly, I'm sick of fighting to get through every day..and with therapy, I don't know how I can find the strength or motivation to fight MORE to get through every day.
Basically, I had an awful anxiety attack brought on by OCD. Up until that point I had been fairly okay. But I came home from the shore to face a serious obsession by surprise. (Back story: my parents met with my therapist so they could learn more about OCD and how it effects me, and them, in reality). I flipped out on my mom via text message, even said a curse word or two, and she called me, and I was just having my anxiety attack and crying, and screaming at her. And when all she did was continually apologize and say she thought she was helping me I felt like such shit. And she even said how she was up half the night after she cleaned my room wondering if it was helping me or just making things worse. It's like after they met with my therapist they are walking on eggshells. I guess when they didn't understand OCD so much, it was easier to just be mad. But after this, I was angry and hurt. I was completely overcome with such emotion that this stupid little acronym, these 3 words, effects not only me, but my family, and my friends, and my coworkers...every person in my life. And always negatively. And I was angry at myself and everybody else that I am this way, and it's not fair. I didn't SI (haven't since May 27), but I did punch myself, and the wall, and kick a chair.
After that, I've been dealing with depression again. And it's hard. And I don't tell people for sympathy, I don't tell people so they can fix me; I tell people because I feel so overwhelmed I don't even know what to do. And I'm sick of people telling me being depressed is just a choice, or facing OCD is just a choice. Really, if I wasn't trying...I don't think I would even be here right now. But honestly, I'm sick of fighting to get through every day..and with therapy, I don't know how I can find the strength or motivation to fight MORE to get through every day.