I have a secret.
Title: I have a secret.
Author: scwolf_10k
Pairing: KaoruxDie
Band: Dir en grey
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, Romance
Warnings: none
Word count: 2338
Summary: "I hate you for not telling me sooner. You could've saved me sleepless nights."
Disclaimer: They belong to themselves, and to each other.
Author's note: I've been having the urge to write for the past few weeks, but there was nothing I wanted to write about. And all of a sudden, the idea of a confession came to me and I decided to write it down, and this was the product of it. It's not beta'd, so excuse any mistakes you find. Also, since it's AU, then it fits AU week of the DxK Oktoberfest at diexkaorulove :)
+ My story archive.
+ Feel free to friend my writing journal: _wolfishness
I have a secret.
"Dear Die, I'm writing this letter not because we don't see each other that often, but because I'm better at saying things in writing form than in spoken words. Call me a coward, and I might be one. But this has been bottled up for a while now, and I need to get it out."
Kaoru stopped writing and had a look at what he wrote so far. It wasn't easy for him to write this letter, simply because it might change a lot of things. And if it didn't get the response he was hoping for, it meant that he would lose a very dear friend. And even though he started writing the letter, he was still unsure whether he wanted to send it or not. Sighing, he continued writing. Maybe by the time he was done he would be able to finally decide if it was worth sending and risk it or not.
"I know that this might come as a shock, but there's something I wanted to tell you for a while now. I could've kept it to myself, but that would be keeping a secret from your best friend. I feel like a liar when I have to keep secrets from you, and I don't like that.
I never liked going to the bars we go to together. Not because I don't like your company, absolutely not! But.. I don't like the bars. Or more like.. the girls that join us whenever we go to those places.
Thing is.. I'm gay. And I'd rather be surrounded by guys than girls."
He wondered for a moment whether the last sentence was too blunt and maybe he should change it, but then he figured that simply saying it like that was the better option. There's no sense in beating around the bushes. Determined, he continued writing.
"I'm sorry if that was a shock. I know I could've kept it to myself and not bother you with it, but it was starting to effect me emotionally. It is very hard to confess such things when you don't know how your friend would react. I'm sorry."
Taking a sip from the empty cup of coffee, which he didn't even realize was empty, he put the cup down on the table, and continued focusing on the letter. The next bit was the hardest. It could bring him crashing down and shatter into a million pieces, or it could be the best thing he had ever done in his whole life.
"The next thing I want to tell you is.. I'm in love with someone, and he doesn't know it. I want him to know how I feel, and I want him to know the real me and not the one who pretends to be straight when he's around that person. But the thing is, I don't even know if that person is into men as well or not, or whether I'm his type or not. I've known him for a while now, but I feel like I don't know anything about him still. He's a mystery that I would like to unfold if given the chance.
I know that I'm geoperdizing our friendship with this letter and it would not make sense to ask you to completely ignore what I wrote if you think this is bullshit, but you've already read it this far, and probably will read to the end. So.. I guess I'm just going to have to accept the consequenses even if they mean losing you. And I swear I'm not drunk. I know what I'm saying, and I take full responsibility on everything I'm saying here."
This was too risky, and he knew it. But he couldn't go on living in the dark anymore. So he continued writing, even though his hand started shaking a bit.
"The reason I told you all this is because that person I told you about is you.
I'm in love with you, Die.
I'm sorry if this means the end of our friendship. I will understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore. I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I'm sorry.
-Kaoru"
Running his fingers through his hair, he gave read the letter again. Maybe he was bad at putting his thoughts into words, but at least he wrote them, otherwise he wouldn't have said anything at all.
Folding the piece of paper, he put it in an envelope and got up from his desk and walked out of his room. Thankfully none of his roommates were there, and he thought maybe all of them are out for drinks by this time in the evening. So taking a deep breath, he went to Die's room, and pushed the envelope under the door. When Die gets back, he'll see it, read it, and might chop Kaoru's head off. But it was okay by now. Kaoru had decided that this was for the best. If Die came to his room to kick his ass, he'll simply face it like a man, and then will ask for a transfer. Maybe it would be best if he changed rooms if things got bad.
But he was more hoping for a positive response, even though that was unlikely to happen, because he's seen how Die is with the girls whenever they went out for drinks together. Dropping his shoulders, he went back to his room and lay down on his bed, thinking and hoping that everything would work for the best.
--*~*~*--
Die was reading a book in his room when an envelope slipped through his door. Tilting his head, he wonder what, or rather, who was that. Putting the book aside, he got up and went to pick up the envelope. There was no name on it. But it had been pushed into his room, so it was his.
"If this is one of their pranks I'm gonna put a lock on the toilet and watch them suffer." he mumbled as he opened the envelope and took out the letter.
Dear Die,..
Okay, it was definitely ment for him. So he went back to sit on the edge of his bed as he continued reading the letter, which made his eyes turn into round orbes with every sentence he read. He recognized the handwriting, so he already knew who was it from. Why was Kaoru thinking he was bad at saying things? The man could talk anyone into anything if he wanted to, so he definitely had no lack in words.
But then it became clear to him what was it all about. Okay, the Kaoru being gay part was okay. Good news even. But what shocked him was the next part. Kaoru being in love with him. He was kidding, right? This was just a prank. The whole letter is just another prank of his roommates, and they got Kaoru to join in with them to write the letter, so it would hit Die hard on the head.
He read the letter a few more times, trying to find something that would prove this is a prank. But no matter how many times he read it, it seemed.. real. Like.. Kaoru had written this, and he really meant what was in the letter.
"Oh holy fuck.. this is.. Kaoru, I'm gonna.." he mumbled, running a shaky hand over his face and biting his bottom lip. This can't be true, can it? But then, Kaoru wouldn't joke about things like this, would he? Well, there was only one way to find out.
With the letter in hand, he went to Kaoru's room. Knocking the door and walking in without waiting for an invitation, he looked at a surprised Kaoru for a moment, and then closed the door and locked it. He didn't want the others to come in while they were talking.
He stood where he was inside the room, and held the letter in front of him. "I.. got this." he said, looking at the letter, not sure whether he should yell, or just speak calmly. He felt mixed emotions running through him, but he wasn't sure how to react to them just yet.
"I didn't know you were in your room." Kaoru said calmly, almost cautiously as he stood up. The look on Die's face could only mean one thing: disappointment. And somehow he didn't like it.
"Yeah, well, I didn't feel like going out. Besides, I thought you were out with the others." Die replied.
"I had.. things to do." Kaoru said. This was awkward. As if there was some sort of a tension in the air, but he wasn't sure. Neither of them were.
"So I see." Die replied. "I just.." he looked at Kaoru, "is this a joke?" he raised the letter up.
Kaoru shook his head, and looked down at his feet. If only the ground would split and swallow him right now. This was not how he imagined it. Although, he didn't even imagine how it might be. But definitely not like this.
"And how come you didn't tell me before?" Putting the letter into his pocket, Die started taking slow steps forward. "Why do I find out from a piece of paper that my best friend is gay?"
"It's not easy, you know?" Kaoru mumbled, still looking down.
"Look at me." Die said, and when Kaoru didn't raise his head, he repeated it, firmly this time. "Look at me, Kaoru."
When Kaoru raised his head, his gaze was met with the bright smile that made his whole body feel like melting every time it happened. And when did Die get this close anyway? He didn't even notice his friend moving while he was dwelling on the thought of fucking up, which he knew was going to happen anyway. Die was not interested in him, but why was he smiling like that?
"Thank you for trusting me with your secret." Die said, putting his both hands over Kaoru's shoulders.
Somehow Kaoru was relieved that he received a thank you instead of a punch in the face. Though a punch in the face would've been much better right now, instead of feeling like he was being hung in the air, as Die didn't mention yet which part of his secret was he being thanked for.
"And I know it's not easy." Die said, his smile still in place.
"You wouldn't understand." Kaoru replied, knowing very well that it was impossible for Die to understand how difficult it is.
"No, I actually do." Die said. "And since you confessed to me, I feel the right thing to do is to tell you a secret as well. Call me a copycat, but hey, at least I'm sharing it with you."
"Yeah, well, we're best friends, so it's only natural that we share our secrets with each other." Kaoru said, feeling a bit at ease by the fact that Die was cool with what he told him in the letter. But only a bit. He felt like his love for Die was a one-sided feeling, and even though it was disappointing, but it was better than losing Die completely.
"True true." Die patted Kaoru's shoulders, and then crossed his arms around Kaoru's neck. "You see, you Little Mr. Box of Mysteries, you're not a coward for deciding to write me about your feelings in a letter. In fact, I'm the coward in this case, because I couldn't tell you any of that, not on a letter, and not in any other way. And you play the straight guy role very well, if I may say."
"Uhm.. thanks." Kaoru tried to pull away from Die's arms, but the taller guy had him locked within.
"I was waiting for the moment you'd say something, so I would have the courage to do the same." he leaned his head down a bit, so his eyes were at the same level as Kaoru's as he stared into them. "I love you too, Kaoru. Always have."
Kaoru felt as if his legs would fail him any moment now, but at the same time, Die could be toying with him. "Don't make fun of me, please." he said, grabbing Die's arms and pulling away from them. "I didn't confess just so I could get mocked." he said, and moved away from Die.
Not liking what just happened, Die turned around and grabbed Kaoru's hand, pulling him close and without hesitation he locked his lips with Kaoru's, only to break the kiss after a moment and cupping Kaoru's face with both hands. "I mean it, Kao. And I'm not joking." He let go of Kaoru's shocked face, and turned around, lifting his hair up to reveal a small tattoo on the back of his neck.
"That's.. my name!" Kaoru gasped.
Letting his hair fall down again, Die turned around, shrugging. "Got it last year right after the exams. I thought that since we're both graduating this year we might not see each other anymore. And I wanted you to always be with me. So I got this." he looked at Kaoru. "I do mean it, I share the same feelings as you. And I would like to get to know the real you, just as you want to know the real me."
It was impossible for Kaoru to speak anymore. His happiness was so overwhelming that he simply started laughing, and pulled Die into a tight hug, which was responded by Die's arms wrapping around his shoulders and hugging him back, just as tight.
"Oh, and by the way," Die said, grinning like the idiot he felt he was at that moment. "I hate you for not telling me sooner. You could've saved me sleepless nights."
Kaoru pulled back a bit and grinned. "I somehow like the thought of giving you sleepless nights."
"I think I like the idea as well." Die grinned in return, and then brought a hand to Kaoru's chin, and leaning down a bit, he started kissing him.
-The End-
Author: scwolf_10k
Pairing: KaoruxDie
Band: Dir en grey
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, Romance
Warnings: none
Word count: 2338
Summary: "I hate you for not telling me sooner. You could've saved me sleepless nights."
Disclaimer: They belong to themselves, and to each other.
Author's note: I've been having the urge to write for the past few weeks, but there was nothing I wanted to write about. And all of a sudden, the idea of a confession came to me and I decided to write it down, and this was the product of it. It's not beta'd, so excuse any mistakes you find. Also, since it's AU, then it fits AU week of the DxK Oktoberfest at diexkaorulove :)
+ My story archive.
+ Feel free to friend my writing journal: _wolfishness
I have a secret.
"Dear Die, I'm writing this letter not because we don't see each other that often, but because I'm better at saying things in writing form than in spoken words. Call me a coward, and I might be one. But this has been bottled up for a while now, and I need to get it out."
Kaoru stopped writing and had a look at what he wrote so far. It wasn't easy for him to write this letter, simply because it might change a lot of things. And if it didn't get the response he was hoping for, it meant that he would lose a very dear friend. And even though he started writing the letter, he was still unsure whether he wanted to send it or not. Sighing, he continued writing. Maybe by the time he was done he would be able to finally decide if it was worth sending and risk it or not.
"I know that this might come as a shock, but there's something I wanted to tell you for a while now. I could've kept it to myself, but that would be keeping a secret from your best friend. I feel like a liar when I have to keep secrets from you, and I don't like that.
I never liked going to the bars we go to together. Not because I don't like your company, absolutely not! But.. I don't like the bars. Or more like.. the girls that join us whenever we go to those places.
Thing is.. I'm gay. And I'd rather be surrounded by guys than girls."
He wondered for a moment whether the last sentence was too blunt and maybe he should change it, but then he figured that simply saying it like that was the better option. There's no sense in beating around the bushes. Determined, he continued writing.
"I'm sorry if that was a shock. I know I could've kept it to myself and not bother you with it, but it was starting to effect me emotionally. It is very hard to confess such things when you don't know how your friend would react. I'm sorry."
Taking a sip from the empty cup of coffee, which he didn't even realize was empty, he put the cup down on the table, and continued focusing on the letter. The next bit was the hardest. It could bring him crashing down and shatter into a million pieces, or it could be the best thing he had ever done in his whole life.
"The next thing I want to tell you is.. I'm in love with someone, and he doesn't know it. I want him to know how I feel, and I want him to know the real me and not the one who pretends to be straight when he's around that person. But the thing is, I don't even know if that person is into men as well or not, or whether I'm his type or not. I've known him for a while now, but I feel like I don't know anything about him still. He's a mystery that I would like to unfold if given the chance.
I know that I'm geoperdizing our friendship with this letter and it would not make sense to ask you to completely ignore what I wrote if you think this is bullshit, but you've already read it this far, and probably will read to the end. So.. I guess I'm just going to have to accept the consequenses even if they mean losing you. And I swear I'm not drunk. I know what I'm saying, and I take full responsibility on everything I'm saying here."
This was too risky, and he knew it. But he couldn't go on living in the dark anymore. So he continued writing, even though his hand started shaking a bit.
"The reason I told you all this is because that person I told you about is you.
I'm in love with you, Die.
I'm sorry if this means the end of our friendship. I will understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore. I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I'm sorry.
-Kaoru"
Running his fingers through his hair, he gave read the letter again. Maybe he was bad at putting his thoughts into words, but at least he wrote them, otherwise he wouldn't have said anything at all.
Folding the piece of paper, he put it in an envelope and got up from his desk and walked out of his room. Thankfully none of his roommates were there, and he thought maybe all of them are out for drinks by this time in the evening. So taking a deep breath, he went to Die's room, and pushed the envelope under the door. When Die gets back, he'll see it, read it, and might chop Kaoru's head off. But it was okay by now. Kaoru had decided that this was for the best. If Die came to his room to kick his ass, he'll simply face it like a man, and then will ask for a transfer. Maybe it would be best if he changed rooms if things got bad.
But he was more hoping for a positive response, even though that was unlikely to happen, because he's seen how Die is with the girls whenever they went out for drinks together. Dropping his shoulders, he went back to his room and lay down on his bed, thinking and hoping that everything would work for the best.
--*~*~*--
Die was reading a book in his room when an envelope slipped through his door. Tilting his head, he wonder what, or rather, who was that. Putting the book aside, he got up and went to pick up the envelope. There was no name on it. But it had been pushed into his room, so it was his.
"If this is one of their pranks I'm gonna put a lock on the toilet and watch them suffer." he mumbled as he opened the envelope and took out the letter.
Dear Die,..
Okay, it was definitely ment for him. So he went back to sit on the edge of his bed as he continued reading the letter, which made his eyes turn into round orbes with every sentence he read. He recognized the handwriting, so he already knew who was it from. Why was Kaoru thinking he was bad at saying things? The man could talk anyone into anything if he wanted to, so he definitely had no lack in words.
But then it became clear to him what was it all about. Okay, the Kaoru being gay part was okay. Good news even. But what shocked him was the next part. Kaoru being in love with him. He was kidding, right? This was just a prank. The whole letter is just another prank of his roommates, and they got Kaoru to join in with them to write the letter, so it would hit Die hard on the head.
He read the letter a few more times, trying to find something that would prove this is a prank. But no matter how many times he read it, it seemed.. real. Like.. Kaoru had written this, and he really meant what was in the letter.
"Oh holy fuck.. this is.. Kaoru, I'm gonna.." he mumbled, running a shaky hand over his face and biting his bottom lip. This can't be true, can it? But then, Kaoru wouldn't joke about things like this, would he? Well, there was only one way to find out.
With the letter in hand, he went to Kaoru's room. Knocking the door and walking in without waiting for an invitation, he looked at a surprised Kaoru for a moment, and then closed the door and locked it. He didn't want the others to come in while they were talking.
He stood where he was inside the room, and held the letter in front of him. "I.. got this." he said, looking at the letter, not sure whether he should yell, or just speak calmly. He felt mixed emotions running through him, but he wasn't sure how to react to them just yet.
"I didn't know you were in your room." Kaoru said calmly, almost cautiously as he stood up. The look on Die's face could only mean one thing: disappointment. And somehow he didn't like it.
"Yeah, well, I didn't feel like going out. Besides, I thought you were out with the others." Die replied.
"I had.. things to do." Kaoru said. This was awkward. As if there was some sort of a tension in the air, but he wasn't sure. Neither of them were.
"So I see." Die replied. "I just.." he looked at Kaoru, "is this a joke?" he raised the letter up.
Kaoru shook his head, and looked down at his feet. If only the ground would split and swallow him right now. This was not how he imagined it. Although, he didn't even imagine how it might be. But definitely not like this.
"And how come you didn't tell me before?" Putting the letter into his pocket, Die started taking slow steps forward. "Why do I find out from a piece of paper that my best friend is gay?"
"It's not easy, you know?" Kaoru mumbled, still looking down.
"Look at me." Die said, and when Kaoru didn't raise his head, he repeated it, firmly this time. "Look at me, Kaoru."
When Kaoru raised his head, his gaze was met with the bright smile that made his whole body feel like melting every time it happened. And when did Die get this close anyway? He didn't even notice his friend moving while he was dwelling on the thought of fucking up, which he knew was going to happen anyway. Die was not interested in him, but why was he smiling like that?
"Thank you for trusting me with your secret." Die said, putting his both hands over Kaoru's shoulders.
Somehow Kaoru was relieved that he received a thank you instead of a punch in the face. Though a punch in the face would've been much better right now, instead of feeling like he was being hung in the air, as Die didn't mention yet which part of his secret was he being thanked for.
"And I know it's not easy." Die said, his smile still in place.
"You wouldn't understand." Kaoru replied, knowing very well that it was impossible for Die to understand how difficult it is.
"No, I actually do." Die said. "And since you confessed to me, I feel the right thing to do is to tell you a secret as well. Call me a copycat, but hey, at least I'm sharing it with you."
"Yeah, well, we're best friends, so it's only natural that we share our secrets with each other." Kaoru said, feeling a bit at ease by the fact that Die was cool with what he told him in the letter. But only a bit. He felt like his love for Die was a one-sided feeling, and even though it was disappointing, but it was better than losing Die completely.
"True true." Die patted Kaoru's shoulders, and then crossed his arms around Kaoru's neck. "You see, you Little Mr. Box of Mysteries, you're not a coward for deciding to write me about your feelings in a letter. In fact, I'm the coward in this case, because I couldn't tell you any of that, not on a letter, and not in any other way. And you play the straight guy role very well, if I may say."
"Uhm.. thanks." Kaoru tried to pull away from Die's arms, but the taller guy had him locked within.
"I was waiting for the moment you'd say something, so I would have the courage to do the same." he leaned his head down a bit, so his eyes were at the same level as Kaoru's as he stared into them. "I love you too, Kaoru. Always have."
Kaoru felt as if his legs would fail him any moment now, but at the same time, Die could be toying with him. "Don't make fun of me, please." he said, grabbing Die's arms and pulling away from them. "I didn't confess just so I could get mocked." he said, and moved away from Die.
Not liking what just happened, Die turned around and grabbed Kaoru's hand, pulling him close and without hesitation he locked his lips with Kaoru's, only to break the kiss after a moment and cupping Kaoru's face with both hands. "I mean it, Kao. And I'm not joking." He let go of Kaoru's shocked face, and turned around, lifting his hair up to reveal a small tattoo on the back of his neck.
"That's.. my name!" Kaoru gasped.
Letting his hair fall down again, Die turned around, shrugging. "Got it last year right after the exams. I thought that since we're both graduating this year we might not see each other anymore. And I wanted you to always be with me. So I got this." he looked at Kaoru. "I do mean it, I share the same feelings as you. And I would like to get to know the real you, just as you want to know the real me."
It was impossible for Kaoru to speak anymore. His happiness was so overwhelming that he simply started laughing, and pulled Die into a tight hug, which was responded by Die's arms wrapping around his shoulders and hugging him back, just as tight.
"Oh, and by the way," Die said, grinning like the idiot he felt he was at that moment. "I hate you for not telling me sooner. You could've saved me sleepless nights."
Kaoru pulled back a bit and grinned. "I somehow like the thought of giving you sleepless nights."
"I think I like the idea as well." Die grinned in return, and then brought a hand to Kaoru's chin, and leaning down a bit, he started kissing him.
-The End-