Boys/Careers/Life = Confusion
Why can't I fall asleep at a decent hour when I have to wake up early the following morning?!?
But since I can't sleep I figured I'd write a bit since it's been a while since I actually put down what's in my head.
I've hit it, THE fork in the road. The time in my life when key decisions will be made, and hopefully what I choose will put me on a path on which I'll never feel the need to look back. Everything has kind of condensed into this ball of confusion that will eventually explode - relationships, school, goals, everything.
At the very least I can say that I've narrowed down my post-grad options to pursuing Project Management. So far I've heard ONLY good things about it which is pretty reassuring at this point. The issue now is what school to go to so I'm gonna begin my search with schools that offer co-op/help setting up an internship. So the plan over the next few weeks is to settle on a school, and hopefully I'll get that done so that I can potentially start in January. In the meantime I need to look for another part time job cuz IKEA just ain't cuttin' it anymore.
The boy issue gets more complicated every day. I know I'm not helping the situation much but I'm still so confused with what to do. The best advice I've gotten so far has been from Mario because he's giving me the guy's perspective. It was stuff I already know, but hearing it from him really made it concrete. It's just so frustrating because there are very few people I can really confine in about this who won't judge me or who actually understand where I'm coming from or at the very least can go temporarily go outside of themselves to at least try to see things from my perspective. Almost everyone keeps telling me "you're crazy, you've got this awesome guy" or "but he's so good to you, how can you do this to him" but they're missing the point...it's not about him, it's about me...if I'm not in the right place mentally or emotionally then I'm entitled, almost obligated, to act on it otherwise it's not fair to him or me to pretend like nothing is wrong and proceed that way. If not now then it would certainly happen in the future, in a worse and irreversible way, unlike me acting on it now. It's not like I'm complaining about the relationship or thinking badly about him, it's really not about him at all. He truly is amazing. It's about me being too fucked up right now to be in a relationship, period. Some people need someone else there to help them work through their shit. I am not one of those people. I came to the realization that since I haven't thought about myself, my wants, my needs, or who I am, since the age of 16 the problem has trickled down even to the simplest of decisions. It takes me FOREVER to decide where or what I want to eat because I always just let other people (usually the person I'm in a relationship with) decide these things. I never make plans really because I never know what I want to do. If I can't do those things, how the eff am I supposed to figure out what I want out of life or what career I really want to pursue?? So this issue really influences the rest of the issues I'm having at a very fundamental level. Maybe being in relationships has made me too dependent on the other person to be the decision-maker. I've always been easy-going but I always remember myself when I was younger knowing what I liked and disliked, having goals, having lists of things I wanted to do or places I wanted to go...I haven't felt like that person for a really long time.
I only had this epiphany recently. So no, staying in a relationship will not help me with this situation, no matter how incredible that relationship may be. How can I give everything I can to the relationship if I don't even know who I am or, what's more, if I'm not comfortable with who I am?? I've always been a firm believer that you have to be comfortable with and love yourself before you can be in a truly two-way relationship and give your love selflessly to someone else. This is me honouring that belief.
I think this problem is also why I haven't been motivated to do ANYTHING for a few years (besides finish uni successfully...and even then it was only at the last minute). If you're not sure you're happy with what you're doing obviously you're not gonna give it your all. So yes, this is a life decision...it's gonna make who I become. And people telling me I'm crazy only have that perspective because they've either been screwed over hard by guys and will be satisfied with someone who treats them well even if it isn't necessarily the love of their life, OR they've been looking too long through the rose-coloured glasses of romance movies and TV happy-endings that are neither entirely realistic nor complete. Both are terribly skewed perspectives. I am not satisfied with settling but the reality is that a lot of women do settle because guys tend to be pigs so when that marriage clock is a-tickin' the next one that comes along who is decent-looking and well enough off and treats them well tends to reel them in...and then come marriage, baby, and infidelity/doubt/regret/mid-life crisis. I've never had experiences with guys that were all that bad. Over the course of my dating life guys have tended to fall harder for me than I do them, and they tend to want to give me the world even thought I have never wanted or needed it. The worst thing was Eric becoming selfish because, well, he was my age when he started thinking about what was best for him and quite frankly even then I understood that he was entitled to do so. You only have one life and you've got to be happy with it. So us breaking up was necessary and I could never hate him for that. Besides, it also forced me to stop denying that I was in love with someone else. Bottom line is, I am confident now that this is what I need. It hasn't been an easy road, not by any means. It is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. It is quite possibly the riskiest thing I'll ever do, but it's a necessary risk because the alternative (ignoring how I feel) is much much worse for my mental and emotional future.
And if something is wrong with this picture my conscience will kick in soon enough to tell me I'm going about this all wrong. If it does then I can be 100% confident that I'm choosing him and that I truly do not and cannot live without him. And if it doesn't then I'll know that I truly am not ready for that kind of commitment yet.
So until the little voice decides to make itself heard I'll be working on my decision-making skills. Choosing Project Management is huge. Choosing me is huge. But there are many many more steps that need to be taken. I need to live my life for me right now, is that so difficult to understand??
On a side note: Storm is freaked out by the hailing and thundering right now. Poor puppy is glued to my hip right now but I gotta sleep and him moving around in my room cuz he can't be alone is really not gonna allow that to happen =(
Oh well, with work in 6 and a half hours I've gotta try to make sleep happen.
Goodnight.
But since I can't sleep I figured I'd write a bit since it's been a while since I actually put down what's in my head.
I've hit it, THE fork in the road. The time in my life when key decisions will be made, and hopefully what I choose will put me on a path on which I'll never feel the need to look back. Everything has kind of condensed into this ball of confusion that will eventually explode - relationships, school, goals, everything.
At the very least I can say that I've narrowed down my post-grad options to pursuing Project Management. So far I've heard ONLY good things about it which is pretty reassuring at this point. The issue now is what school to go to so I'm gonna begin my search with schools that offer co-op/help setting up an internship. So the plan over the next few weeks is to settle on a school, and hopefully I'll get that done so that I can potentially start in January. In the meantime I need to look for another part time job cuz IKEA just ain't cuttin' it anymore.
The boy issue gets more complicated every day. I know I'm not helping the situation much but I'm still so confused with what to do. The best advice I've gotten so far has been from Mario because he's giving me the guy's perspective. It was stuff I already know, but hearing it from him really made it concrete. It's just so frustrating because there are very few people I can really confine in about this who won't judge me or who actually understand where I'm coming from or at the very least can go temporarily go outside of themselves to at least try to see things from my perspective. Almost everyone keeps telling me "you're crazy, you've got this awesome guy" or "but he's so good to you, how can you do this to him" but they're missing the point...it's not about him, it's about me...if I'm not in the right place mentally or emotionally then I'm entitled, almost obligated, to act on it otherwise it's not fair to him or me to pretend like nothing is wrong and proceed that way. If not now then it would certainly happen in the future, in a worse and irreversible way, unlike me acting on it now. It's not like I'm complaining about the relationship or thinking badly about him, it's really not about him at all. He truly is amazing. It's about me being too fucked up right now to be in a relationship, period. Some people need someone else there to help them work through their shit. I am not one of those people. I came to the realization that since I haven't thought about myself, my wants, my needs, or who I am, since the age of 16 the problem has trickled down even to the simplest of decisions. It takes me FOREVER to decide where or what I want to eat because I always just let other people (usually the person I'm in a relationship with) decide these things. I never make plans really because I never know what I want to do. If I can't do those things, how the eff am I supposed to figure out what I want out of life or what career I really want to pursue?? So this issue really influences the rest of the issues I'm having at a very fundamental level. Maybe being in relationships has made me too dependent on the other person to be the decision-maker. I've always been easy-going but I always remember myself when I was younger knowing what I liked and disliked, having goals, having lists of things I wanted to do or places I wanted to go...I haven't felt like that person for a really long time.
I only had this epiphany recently. So no, staying in a relationship will not help me with this situation, no matter how incredible that relationship may be. How can I give everything I can to the relationship if I don't even know who I am or, what's more, if I'm not comfortable with who I am?? I've always been a firm believer that you have to be comfortable with and love yourself before you can be in a truly two-way relationship and give your love selflessly to someone else. This is me honouring that belief.
I think this problem is also why I haven't been motivated to do ANYTHING for a few years (besides finish uni successfully...and even then it was only at the last minute). If you're not sure you're happy with what you're doing obviously you're not gonna give it your all. So yes, this is a life decision...it's gonna make who I become. And people telling me I'm crazy only have that perspective because they've either been screwed over hard by guys and will be satisfied with someone who treats them well even if it isn't necessarily the love of their life, OR they've been looking too long through the rose-coloured glasses of romance movies and TV happy-endings that are neither entirely realistic nor complete. Both are terribly skewed perspectives. I am not satisfied with settling but the reality is that a lot of women do settle because guys tend to be pigs so when that marriage clock is a-tickin' the next one that comes along who is decent-looking and well enough off and treats them well tends to reel them in...and then come marriage, baby, and infidelity/doubt/regret/mid-life crisis. I've never had experiences with guys that were all that bad. Over the course of my dating life guys have tended to fall harder for me than I do them, and they tend to want to give me the world even thought I have never wanted or needed it. The worst thing was Eric becoming selfish because, well, he was my age when he started thinking about what was best for him and quite frankly even then I understood that he was entitled to do so. You only have one life and you've got to be happy with it. So us breaking up was necessary and I could never hate him for that. Besides, it also forced me to stop denying that I was in love with someone else. Bottom line is, I am confident now that this is what I need. It hasn't been an easy road, not by any means. It is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. It is quite possibly the riskiest thing I'll ever do, but it's a necessary risk because the alternative (ignoring how I feel) is much much worse for my mental and emotional future.
And if something is wrong with this picture my conscience will kick in soon enough to tell me I'm going about this all wrong. If it does then I can be 100% confident that I'm choosing him and that I truly do not and cannot live without him. And if it doesn't then I'll know that I truly am not ready for that kind of commitment yet.
So until the little voice decides to make itself heard I'll be working on my decision-making skills. Choosing Project Management is huge. Choosing me is huge. But there are many many more steps that need to be taken. I need to live my life for me right now, is that so difficult to understand??
On a side note: Storm is freaked out by the hailing and thundering right now. Poor puppy is glued to my hip right now but I gotta sleep and him moving around in my room cuz he can't be alone is really not gonna allow that to happen =(
Oh well, with work in 6 and a half hours I've gotta try to make sleep happen.
Goodnight.