What is the most dangerous thing you have ever done?
Wow.
Who agrees that this question would have been much easier to answer ten years ago, when the reply would have been walking with my bare feet on Xander's bedroom floor. I loved Xander's bedroom. And I love Xander, and even if I felt the way I did about him for what felt like forever a while, when I mushed the two together the places I pictured didn't have anything to do with that floor.
There could be extremely productive archaeological digs based around the layers of -- stuff there.
Danger now though, right? Not danger then? I need to stay on topic.
If I was bright, and forthright, and the mature adult that we all seem to be reaching for? I would say bringing Buffy back. Because of every spell before, and since, it was the one that had the most potential to go wrong, even more potential than that other potential spell. The one that could so easily get away from my intent, and run away from me. Along with my best friend. And I am going to write the next part out in full, and not scratch a single word out, and be proud of myself for doing it.
Even when I tried to end the world? That wasn't dangerous for me, it was dangerous for everyone else. The thing with cutting a swatch of unspeakable chaos and destruction? It isn't as unsafe when you initiate it. There would be danger when I wanted there to be danger. And that is not danger defined then, actually.
That is a death wish.
A part of the danger is knowing it, I think. And I didn't appreciate the danger in either of those situations as fully as I should. With Buffy gone, I had been the 'boss' all summer, and according to Xander and his artwork I even had the 'creds' to prove it. I was full of myself, and to sure of what I had come by too easily. I was blind to the consequences, and of what could go wrong. That was a picture I only really appreciated later. So that wasn't danger either.
That is arrogance.
The truth is the most dangerous thing I ever did was get back on that plane for Sunnydale, without Giles next to me. Because I knew what would come after. Sooner or later they would need me, and the magic, and I would have to touch it again. It's like -- a shimmering layer of dark to reach through, sometimes even during the simplest of spells. But I was afraid I would linger there again. That I would have to tap into parts of myself I was at some point willing to wall away, until Giles and the Coven helped me learn that would always be nothing but an unsuccesful attempt. It is who I am, and what I am, and part of that will always be dangerous.
Who agrees that this question would have been much easier to answer ten years ago, when the reply would have been walking with my bare feet on Xander's bedroom floor. I loved Xander's bedroom. And I love Xander, and even if I felt the way I did about him for what felt like forever a while, when I mushed the two together the places I pictured didn't have anything to do with that floor.
There could be extremely productive archaeological digs based around the layers of -- stuff there.
Danger now though, right? Not danger then? I need to stay on topic.
If I was bright, and forthright, and the mature adult that we all seem to be reaching for? I would say bringing Buffy back. Because of every spell before, and since, it was the one that had the most potential to go wrong, even more potential than that other potential spell. The one that could so easily get away from my intent, and run away from me. Along with my best friend. And I am going to write the next part out in full, and not scratch a single word out, and be proud of myself for doing it.
Even when I tried to end the world? That wasn't dangerous for me, it was dangerous for everyone else. The thing with cutting a swatch of unspeakable chaos and destruction? It isn't as unsafe when you initiate it. There would be danger when I wanted there to be danger. And that is not danger defined then, actually.
That is a death wish.
A part of the danger is knowing it, I think. And I didn't appreciate the danger in either of those situations as fully as I should. With Buffy gone, I had been the 'boss' all summer, and according to Xander and his artwork I even had the 'creds' to prove it. I was full of myself, and to sure of what I had come by too easily. I was blind to the consequences, and of what could go wrong. That was a picture I only really appreciated later. So that wasn't danger either.
That is arrogance.
The truth is the most dangerous thing I ever did was get back on that plane for Sunnydale, without Giles next to me. Because I knew what would come after. Sooner or later they would need me, and the magic, and I would have to touch it again. It's like -- a shimmering layer of dark to reach through, sometimes even during the simplest of spells. But I was afraid I would linger there again. That I would have to tap into parts of myself I was at some point willing to wall away, until Giles and the Coven helped me learn that would always be nothing but an unsuccesful attempt. It is who I am, and what I am, and part of that will always be dangerous.