(no subject)
So its been a while.
I only seem to post when i'm feeling sorry for myself, i apologise for that already.
So i just got back from a manic summer. First i went to Madiera with parents and then i went on a mammoth tour of morocco and europe with people from europe.
The whole holiday has been amazing but now it's over i keep mulling over everything the whole time. and because it was so awesome i really don't want to go back to uni.
Im really not sure i can cope with it. and it's for no particular reason. It's just that i'm really going to have to knuckle down this year and actually do some work. And ... i can't explain it ... i dont think that i'm capable of what i've always thought i was capable of and it's like now is the time to proove it one way or another and i'm not sure i want to find out. I've just lost all confidence in my academic ability.
Plus this holiday made me see just how much there was i don't know about everyone and i dont know about them. and we are all good friends still but i feel really strange now. like i don't know what to expect. its just so much easier when people were there for events rather than having to explain why you feel the way you do about things. It's becoming easier just not to say what you feel like then you don't get questioned.
On top of that the end of last term was really strange. A lot of things happened, not all of them good, and it sort of overwhelmed me. and this is really silly and arbitrary but everyone coupled off. and i think this year is going to be filled with a lot of people in happy coupledom, or in not so happy coupledom, and i'll have to listen to the trial and tribulations of it all and i'm not sure i can put up with it; cause i don't have anyone. its really stupid. i'm angry at myself because i don't want anyone, but i want to want someone. so i keep fixating on random people, which is going to be dangerous. i can feel it happening and i don't like it. Plus Emma decides that now is the time to move to london so keeps ringing to see if i wanna come for a drink. and i don't actually know if i like her that much. and she's only here for 6 months so i'm not sure i want to like her very much. GRRAHH!!!! i'm such a loser.
And then of course its october and so it's a bad month. it's been 5 years now, you'd think i'd be used to it by now but at the end of every september it's the same; it takes me off guard how much i miss Lee. So i'm feeling super uncertain about relationships and life in general.
So generally just feeling a bit down and fed up and (for want of a better word) scared.
On the plus side of things though.
i got the special study module i wanted. I'm studying acupuncture which means i get to learn how to do it, have it done, and learn how it works which is cool. although it does mean getting up to camden once a week which is (a) money and (b)effort.
and seeing people again is nice.
and rosie has moved to north london so shes only an hour or so away. yay!!
right i'm gonna go and sleep and hide from the world for a bit.
love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I only seem to post when i'm feeling sorry for myself, i apologise for that already.
So i just got back from a manic summer. First i went to Madiera with parents and then i went on a mammoth tour of morocco and europe with people from europe.
The whole holiday has been amazing but now it's over i keep mulling over everything the whole time. and because it was so awesome i really don't want to go back to uni.
Im really not sure i can cope with it. and it's for no particular reason. It's just that i'm really going to have to knuckle down this year and actually do some work. And ... i can't explain it ... i dont think that i'm capable of what i've always thought i was capable of and it's like now is the time to proove it one way or another and i'm not sure i want to find out. I've just lost all confidence in my academic ability.
Plus this holiday made me see just how much there was i don't know about everyone and i dont know about them. and we are all good friends still but i feel really strange now. like i don't know what to expect. its just so much easier when people were there for events rather than having to explain why you feel the way you do about things. It's becoming easier just not to say what you feel like then you don't get questioned.
On top of that the end of last term was really strange. A lot of things happened, not all of them good, and it sort of overwhelmed me. and this is really silly and arbitrary but everyone coupled off. and i think this year is going to be filled with a lot of people in happy coupledom, or in not so happy coupledom, and i'll have to listen to the trial and tribulations of it all and i'm not sure i can put up with it; cause i don't have anyone. its really stupid. i'm angry at myself because i don't want anyone, but i want to want someone. so i keep fixating on random people, which is going to be dangerous. i can feel it happening and i don't like it. Plus Emma decides that now is the time to move to london so keeps ringing to see if i wanna come for a drink. and i don't actually know if i like her that much. and she's only here for 6 months so i'm not sure i want to like her very much. GRRAHH!!!! i'm such a loser.
And then of course its october and so it's a bad month. it's been 5 years now, you'd think i'd be used to it by now but at the end of every september it's the same; it takes me off guard how much i miss Lee. So i'm feeling super uncertain about relationships and life in general.
So generally just feeling a bit down and fed up and (for want of a better word) scared.
On the plus side of things though.
i got the special study module i wanted. I'm studying acupuncture which means i get to learn how to do it, have it done, and learn how it works which is cool. although it does mean getting up to camden once a week which is (a) money and (b)effort.
and seeing people again is nice.
and rosie has moved to north london so shes only an hour or so away. yay!!
right i'm gonna go and sleep and hide from the world for a bit.
love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx