(no subject)
so... what exactly does one write at 6 in the morning?
most of you are probably saying the same thing. "'What?' Try 'Why'?"
my sleep schedule has been shot to hell and back, so i guess this was inevitable. along with two leters of soda. as much as i hate to admit it, can't fight against chemical reactions.
i think i'm moving even more into emo-dom. only my emo-osity is somewhat harder and ... in my opinion, more classic. While i haven't taken to pissing and moaning about problems that could easily be solved by getting up and moving on with life (not that too many have popped up as of late-yay) my music tastes have shifted dramatically ovcer the past two months. i went from listening to stuff like franz and U2 and the like to marilyn manson, offspring and metallica and nin. granted, every so often i'll find something happy and buoyant to lighten my spirits like jimmy eat world or moby (specific songs mind you). Elliot Smith is kind of a mix of the two-he's happy in some of his songs but the thread is all about how lonely and depressing life is. hen again he stabbed himself in the heart-not too many cheerful people do that. not too many depressed people do that either but i digress.
among other things, i'm finally treading back into thins that have strong associations with ... her. sad i can't mention her name on this lj tho i can mention her name to others once in a while. But yes, i watched moulin rouge today and read over Blankets by (a beautifully done graphic novel by Craig Thompson which strongly relates to how i've felt these past few months ((religion and relationships)) and how my relationship pretty much died). read some anne rice not too long ago. the soreness of the wound is slowly getting dulled. i'm also working my way into the flirting game (something i was never good at in the first place having been homeschooled-read as taken OUT OF the dating game). Saw a pretty cute girl working register at a kroger and we made eyes for about five minutes while i was buying some food. Yeah, it's pathetic that i consider that a step up, but if you knew me, you'd be pretty fucking impressed. I was actually using what charm i have and flashing my big green eyes at her as she wouldn't look away, nor stop smiling. Not bad for a guy who has to ask "if a girl throws her arms around you when you walk into the room, is that a good thing?" of course, there are two things that really stopped me from doing anything. firstly, she was probably 17 and more concerned with where she'd find a prom date than anything else. Secondly, besides fencing being in twenty minutes, as i walked away i had a brief glimmer of hope and decided i'd at least get her name. so i open up the receipt and what do i find her name to be??????
melissa.
i think i scared the people next to me bc i just burst out into laughter at the sheer irony of that.
quick change of topics=fencing. i got my mask, jacket, a new foil, and my glove today. went at it with a bunch of beginners for the first hour. i need to talk to some of the diehards about some one-on-ones bc this training with beginners just isn't cutting it for me. the coach has a good deal on his plate so i can understand this not being like TKD where i could get training from someone who knew what they were doing professionally speaking. but trying to work with little kids to get my parry-ripostes down to reflex just isn't happening. however, i am finding it lots of fun to lunge and then snake around the arm on the 6th section (high-outside) or bring my tip all the way down and snake up to hit the 7th section (low-inside). my weakness tho is that i'm always getting nailed in the 4th or 8th section (the fourth being the high-inside and where a majority of touches land). hence why i want to work on my parry-ripsotes.
and today .... once the rest of the world wakes up ... i'm going to go shoot. the next gun i should find added to my collection will be a glock 17 with a laser sight (la-de-da....) but it holds 10 rounds of 9mm so that should be interesting when and if it ever arrives. eventually i'll have to start looking at holsters for these things. and more cable locks.
so .... i've got jobs i appreciate. hobbies i enjoy. and the chance of going back to school gets brighter and brighter every day. i have alot going for me right now.
so why is it that everything feels fake? why do i feel like i'm trying to tear out of my skin? why does day-to-day living feel like a dance routine, so wooden and predictable and superficial? i swear, it's like the matrix. the dreams i have feel more meaningful and alive than when i'm actually awake. it really is like there's a splinter in my head driving me slowly insane. like i have a wellspring of potential or power or SOMETHING that i'm trying to unleash or actualize but there isn't a release. it keeps flowing and filling me up and hence why i feel like i'm about to burst out of my skin.
funny thing is that i think i've found that so-caled release before. otherwise, why would i be searching so desperately for it? or at the least, why would i keep thinking it's what i need? If i look at it from a behavioralist perspective, i keep trying to do something so i must have had some sort of reinforcment for it. something had to spark this continuation of what would otherwise be deemed as irrational behavior if there were no reinforcer. so the real kicker .... what the hell am i looking for?
most of you are probably saying the same thing. "'What?' Try 'Why'?"
my sleep schedule has been shot to hell and back, so i guess this was inevitable. along with two leters of soda. as much as i hate to admit it, can't fight against chemical reactions.
i think i'm moving even more into emo-dom. only my emo-osity is somewhat harder and ... in my opinion, more classic. While i haven't taken to pissing and moaning about problems that could easily be solved by getting up and moving on with life (not that too many have popped up as of late-yay) my music tastes have shifted dramatically ovcer the past two months. i went from listening to stuff like franz and U2 and the like to marilyn manson, offspring and metallica and nin. granted, every so often i'll find something happy and buoyant to lighten my spirits like jimmy eat world or moby (specific songs mind you). Elliot Smith is kind of a mix of the two-he's happy in some of his songs but the thread is all about how lonely and depressing life is. hen again he stabbed himself in the heart-not too many cheerful people do that. not too many depressed people do that either but i digress.
among other things, i'm finally treading back into thins that have strong associations with ... her. sad i can't mention her name on this lj tho i can mention her name to others once in a while. But yes, i watched moulin rouge today and read over Blankets by (a beautifully done graphic novel by Craig Thompson which strongly relates to how i've felt these past few months ((religion and relationships)) and how my relationship pretty much died). read some anne rice not too long ago. the soreness of the wound is slowly getting dulled. i'm also working my way into the flirting game (something i was never good at in the first place having been homeschooled-read as taken OUT OF the dating game). Saw a pretty cute girl working register at a kroger and we made eyes for about five minutes while i was buying some food. Yeah, it's pathetic that i consider that a step up, but if you knew me, you'd be pretty fucking impressed. I was actually using what charm i have and flashing my big green eyes at her as she wouldn't look away, nor stop smiling. Not bad for a guy who has to ask "if a girl throws her arms around you when you walk into the room, is that a good thing?" of course, there are two things that really stopped me from doing anything. firstly, she was probably 17 and more concerned with where she'd find a prom date than anything else. Secondly, besides fencing being in twenty minutes, as i walked away i had a brief glimmer of hope and decided i'd at least get her name. so i open up the receipt and what do i find her name to be??????
melissa.
i think i scared the people next to me bc i just burst out into laughter at the sheer irony of that.
quick change of topics=fencing. i got my mask, jacket, a new foil, and my glove today. went at it with a bunch of beginners for the first hour. i need to talk to some of the diehards about some one-on-ones bc this training with beginners just isn't cutting it for me. the coach has a good deal on his plate so i can understand this not being like TKD where i could get training from someone who knew what they were doing professionally speaking. but trying to work with little kids to get my parry-ripostes down to reflex just isn't happening. however, i am finding it lots of fun to lunge and then snake around the arm on the 6th section (high-outside) or bring my tip all the way down and snake up to hit the 7th section (low-inside). my weakness tho is that i'm always getting nailed in the 4th or 8th section (the fourth being the high-inside and where a majority of touches land). hence why i want to work on my parry-ripsotes.
and today .... once the rest of the world wakes up ... i'm going to go shoot. the next gun i should find added to my collection will be a glock 17 with a laser sight (la-de-da....) but it holds 10 rounds of 9mm so that should be interesting when and if it ever arrives. eventually i'll have to start looking at holsters for these things. and more cable locks.
so .... i've got jobs i appreciate. hobbies i enjoy. and the chance of going back to school gets brighter and brighter every day. i have alot going for me right now.
so why is it that everything feels fake? why do i feel like i'm trying to tear out of my skin? why does day-to-day living feel like a dance routine, so wooden and predictable and superficial? i swear, it's like the matrix. the dreams i have feel more meaningful and alive than when i'm actually awake. it really is like there's a splinter in my head driving me slowly insane. like i have a wellspring of potential or power or SOMETHING that i'm trying to unleash or actualize but there isn't a release. it keeps flowing and filling me up and hence why i feel like i'm about to burst out of my skin.
funny thing is that i think i've found that so-caled release before. otherwise, why would i be searching so desperately for it? or at the least, why would i keep thinking it's what i need? If i look at it from a behavioralist perspective, i keep trying to do something so i must have had some sort of reinforcment for it. something had to spark this continuation of what would otherwise be deemed as irrational behavior if there were no reinforcer. so the real kicker .... what the hell am i looking for?